Anyone that’s stayed single on purpose to heal , learn, grow!? How did you do it?

buddingQueenie · 2020-04-30T03:22:44+00:00

I'm an only child and a loner by nature, so being single has been very comfortable for me.

I love focusing on my goals of getting more fit, love taking care and loving my puppy, and just love experiencing life on my own or with the occasional friend.

You have to find value in life other than having a man by your side. What are your dreams or aspirations? Interests? Ever thought of getting fit or learning some new weird skill? Passion for life's obscurities will help you. Just have fun!

Acts1v8 · 2020-04-30T02:57:59+00:00

I am also going single on purpose for the first time and I LOVE IT. I'm planning on going at least through November cause that'll make a full year but I may extend it. First thing I did was get me some time consuming hobbies. Painting. Learning to play an instrument. Cooking. Just filling my time with things I enjoy that make me happy and feel accomplished. It's natural to feel lonely when you feel like the only attention that matters is male attention. Start making new friends. Rekindle old friendships. You can fill that loneliness with things other than men. Also consider therapy. It can be really helpful to talk to someone who can help you notice and alter your negative thinking patterns and deal with any other internal issues you may be having

MiddayScroller · 2020-04-30T03:25:44+00:00

I was so heartbroken I couldn’t date. Then things got better and I still didn’t want to meet another man. Dating is risky and my instinct to protect myself was higher than my need for intimacy. I’m back on the apps now, employing the mindset I learned here. The men I let into my life must be better than the one who I was heartbroken over.

curlygirl507 · 2020-04-30T06:18:46+00:00

I'm 32. I've given over a decade of my life to men. When I asked myself what I had gotten in return, the answer was "not much." After that I started focusing on other areas of my life, which I'm happy about because I have much more control over them than over my dating life.

k27743t · 2020-04-30T05:33:23+00:00

I was in a long term relationship for my early twenties and have been single for a year and a half. I've dated very little and tried dating apps but I got off them because I want to be the best ME I can be. Physically, financially and emotionally. I've been working on myself and everytime i want attention or want to get back on dating apps i stop myself because I'm not where I want to be juuuust yeeettttt. I ask for alot and I want the whole package. So until I'm at my best I'm not wasting my own time. Work on yourself. Work out, meditate, build a vision board. If you're able to hike in your area I recommend it. It gives me clarity and keeps me in shape and tan. Lol .I also like to sun bathe at the beach and listen to music while thinking of things I'm grateful for and saying positive affirmations. I like to spoil myself by buying whatever I want and pamper myself by doing my nails and hair.. girl time and family time also helps ! Stay strong!

DazzlingMolasses7 · 2020-04-30T06:58:09+00:00

I’ve been going on almost 3 years now of purposely being single. No online apps, rejected every date proposal, etc. I didn’t plan for it to go this long. After ending a long term relationship, I needed a break, maybe several months. But I kept going because I realized how easy and nice it was. I thought I would get lonely and/or miss sex. Turns out, it’s sometimes more lonely to be in a relationship. And after the first few months... I didn’t really care about sex much. I know that if I want sex only I can get it at any time. And I’ve chosen this entire time not to.

It’s the happiest I’ve been in a while. I’ve accomplished so much in my career. I made great strides in my mental health with regular therapy (there wasn’t anything glaringly wrong before but still made tons of improvements). I lost weight and am now in amazing shape. I spend more time on grooming and fashion. I made a lot of new great friends and business contacts. My social life is much more active (prior to quarantine). And I got a pet!

I’m on the older side so I have a lot of been there, done that. Not itching to go back to men. Maybe one day I will, who knows? But I already have a pretty good idea what most men are like and they’re a big no thank you. I get plenty of male interaction with work and friends. If someone great comes along, sure, but I’m not holding my breath when I have a life to live.

That being said, I highly encourage women who want partners to find them. I was never interested in kids and the disinterest grew with age, so I don’t care much about marriage. Different things make people happy. My path isn’t the same as everyone else’s.

kikivegan · 2020-04-30T03:25:43+00:00

I am always single for at LEAST a year between relationships. I have always been a loner and enjoy me-time, so it is easy to do with my personality. Being single is a great time to find a new/better exercise routine/class, invest time in a new interest/hobby, read books, strengthen relationships with family and friends, and become more in tune with your thoughts and habits. I never use dating apps, I find them to be toxic and not the men I would want to date IRL. I believe the "right" man will come into my life organically.

2020-04-30T08:24:56+00:00

[deleted]

Elegant-Stop · 2020-04-30T09:22:13+00:00

Reading about all the awful men featured in this sub made me realize 99% of men were not worth my time. I started to see how all these guys I was dating for “potential” had just as much potential to be manipulative, lazy, entitled partners as they did to be good ones. I now only date if the man is already the whole package.

To me this is staying single on purpose because I could get some random lvm guy to commit if I was desperate for company, but instead I’ve committed to myself and plan on staying that in that commitment unless someone truly adds to my quality of life in every way.

2020-04-30T15:37:58+00:00

Therapy. Therapy, therapy, and more therapy.

Focused on my physical health. Got back into sports.

Focused on my friendships. Now I have a huge social circle with amazing friends.

Focused on my career and quintupled my salary within a few years. I took classes, read books, apprenticed under important people, networked my ass off. You might use this time to get certifications or a/another degree. My field doesn't need formal accreditation, so I didn't bother with it. Your situation may vary. But level up your education/career however you need to. This is not hard to do. Start with google for your research and then ask people in your field.

I also sought out mentors. I now have VIP contacts throughout my industry and people approach me. If I lost my job today, I'd have another one by the end of the week. My boss is often worried about me getting poached, as he should be.

Did I mention therapy? Seriously, go to therapy. It was magic for my self-esteem.

Like /u/curlygirl507 said: I'm in my 30s and realized a couple years ago that I had given my whole life to men starting in high school and had nothing to show for it. Men shamelessly stole from me for years. And yes, I do regard their chronic bad behavior as theft.

So, I spent the last few years single and ignored men completely while I focused on myself. Now I have the fabulous life to show for it: great career, great friends, great reputation, no debt, money in the bank. I've got fun hobbies. I wake up excited most days.

Believing you "need" a man is a great way to fuck up your life. That belief left me broke, miserable, and abused. I tolerated the most insane shit and poured so much of myself into men who never deserved my generosity and never appreciated it. It got me nowhere and left me with nothing.

Focus on yourself. You are your own best investment.

Haltthemoon · 2020-04-30T07:40:21+00:00

Therapy. Seriously.

ldid · 2020-04-30T13:41:06+00:00

I went a full 9 months without even attempting to date. No online, no set up's. Nothing. I focused on school, on working a second job to score some extra income, went on solo back country camping trips. Everything about dating during that time period actually disgusted me and when I did a cost calculation, a $200+ night at the bar I worked at was a way better use of my time than some shitty ass date where they don't even bother to ask/learn anything about me. It got to the point where I couldn't even justify going on dates anymore because I was just so good at being single.

2020-04-30T12:48:51+00:00

Honestly I feel you. I’ve been trying to steer clear of relationships for a little while now and I honestly don’t crave any of that sort of attention because I just see men stare when I’m out with friends (not anymore for now) or grocery shopping. The simple fact that I see so many of them stare at good looking girls makes me glad I’m single. Imagine thinking he’s all committed only to have him stare at some random chick’s ass when he’s out. I just don’t have the energy for this shit atm.

Peak_Tree · 2020-04-30T15:52:55+00:00

Me. From 18 to 25 ( so I've spent 7 years single as of now). My first and only relationship was good, but I noticed several promblems with myself (low self esteem, absolute lack of boundaries,etc...) and subconciously I knew I needed to fix all that before dating again because other men would prey on those things. Some time later other things got in the way ( I was seriously sick for several years, it made me drop out of college,etc...) and I wasn't gonna date in such a vulnerable state. I'm getting back on track as of this year (improved health, I'm starting college again, self esteem problems are mostly fixed, stronger boundaries). But I want to give it more time (advancing more in my degree, laboral experience I'm sorely lacking pecause of those down years I was sick and unnocupied, exercise I couldn't do before, personal styling that was not in my priority list). So I suposse I could continue single for another year or two.

goatismycopilot · 2020-05-01T14:05:47+00:00

I find it easy but I am older. After my last relationship ended I just asked myself what I was really getting out of dating. I have been married and had serious LTRs and while all of them had loving moments and loving times on balance for me I never had a sustained feeling of being loved and cherished and respected and treated with kindness. I am not mad at men and I have male acquaintances through activities I do but for me relationships have mostly been " meh" and I identified some pretty clear patterns in who I attract and end up in relationships with so I stopped. I would date again if I met somebody who did treat me with kindness was reliable and who I had common ground with it just has not happened. I do not feel left out or excluded at all nor isolated but I have always been able to entertain myself and I grew up with a sense of exclusion and being dismissed and once I stopped trying to make people happy in my personal life either dating or friendships I achieved a sense of balance. It is not easy. During quarantine I have had a few men from my past pop in wanting to gripe about things and vent and it made me temporarily super resentful but I just gave a generic answer and discontinued the conversation. I live in a semi rural area and have spent a lot of time lately just appreciating the sounds of nature. I think in order to properly reflect about who you are and what you want it is helpful to find a contemplative space.

meanemad · 2020-05-01T23:14:03+00:00

i was 3 years single, cause i realized i never was alone since 16, and those long relationships didnt give me anything of value, drained me, made me eat unhealthly, one of them put me down... During those years i had to say no to a lot of men, was difficult to be alone the first year, cause i didnt know how to be without boyfriend. Later went very well, and nowadays i think those three years were much better than all my previous years with boyfriends. i was so happy alone that my actual husband had to really impress me for me agreeing to have a relationship with him. Prior, i was a person with zero selfesteem, cause first boyfriend abuse and childhood traumas, and being atractive and low selfesteem was like the perfect target for lvm. I used the time for know myself better, what i liked, my dreams, improve my work, get more friends, trust my gutt... nowadays i apreciate myself and feel compassion, knowing i am not perfect, but i know i have a good hearth. Those 3 years i didnt have sex, and i think this worked very well for me too. I am a better person and more patient with friends and family too, much more encouraging of other people dreams. But with better boundaries, so i cant stand toxic people now, i feel the draining at once now, so i had to cut some friends too, but i dont regret it. Those 3 years gave me peace of mind. Hope you find your own way too.❤❤

yaaasss123 · 2020-04-30T11:22:52+00:00

Flirt but don't date. I get it male validation feels nice. Personally for me I get more validation from a variety of men as a single women. One guy would just reduce the amount of validation you get.

I have had plenty of options since I lost weight about 2 years ago. I had options before that I had options but no so many.

cirrus_cloud · 2020-04-30T23:02:47+00:00

Gurl! Singledom is the PERFECT time to pick up those hobbies or interests that you didn’t have time for when you were focused so much on a relationship.

Always wanted to take a yoga training? Do it! Always wanted to learn a new instrument? Do it! Want to put more time into your female friendships? Do it!

Being single is an incredible opportunity for self mastery. Esp since there’s no longer a Narc LVM sucking all of your time and energy.

Title	Anyone that’s stayed single on purpose to heal , learn, grow!? How did you do it?
Author	readyheartsx
Upvotes	73
Comments	26
Date	April 30, 2020 2:14 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/gan0be/anyone_thats_stayed_single_on_purpose_to_heal/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/anyone-thats-stayed-single-on-purpose-to-heal.677275 https://theredarchive.com/post/677275

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