How do you cope with anger toward your exes?

nonchalantasian · 2020-07-15T01:53:35+00:00

I realized that my ex had already wasted enough of my time. I didn’t want to waste anymore.

I had to go through a phase of acknowledgement that anger and resentment were bound to happen. This comes along with sadness too.

I know it’s hard at the moment, but every time I felt that anger come on. I would tell myself “look, you’re a bad ass bitch. He’s not even worth the energy.”

Then I’ll go look for positive vibes or positive things to do like listen to podcasts or exercise.

We deserve better, we got this 🙌

painmakesyoustronger · 2020-07-15T01:56:55+00:00

Post about him on here.

I journaled, posted on reddit, talked to my family, poured my feelings into passionate athletics, changed the music I was listening to, selected shows that lifted me up, read powerful books, got really into bettering myself, etc.

Admonishing them or trying to get them to understand, apologize or change never, ever made me feel better.

I was angry at myself for letting them abuse me. That was the true source of my anger. I let them do it. Dating those men was self harm, really.

The anger began to subside when I began to feel less helpless and more in control. I don’t need to be seething with anger if I am in control. I am not a victim anymore. I am a queen that sailed off with wisdom and better standards and boundaries.

You release your anger when you change the story that’s making you angry.

They did this TO you? Or did they do it.... FOR you? To unlock a major level up that would otherwise be inaccessible to you?

It’s your story to tell. Rewrite that shit.

nutshit · 2020-07-15T04:58:41+00:00

I put that anger into bettering myself appearance wise and mentally. That anger made me prettier 😆

lilithdianara · 2020-07-15T05:52:46+00:00

Take your time. HONOR the emotion, process kt and own it. A healthy amount of anger is necessary. Use it as a driving force to treat yourself better, to create better boundaries and to keep in mind never to let another person treat you like that ever again. It is so natural to go through that anger as it is part of the grieving process of the death a relationship. I liken it to the Kübler-Ross model, which was taught to us in Nursing school, which was mainly about the five stages of grief in terminally ill patients, but quite honestly, I think some of its principles can be applied to the death of a relationship as well (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance)

You can write a letter (which you will never send, ofcourse!) to your ex about how angry you were and BURN it after. What really helped me was journaling about how I felt. Let it all out on paper, all the frustration, the anger. It is very much like emptying a full cup - that cup containing repressed emotion. It helps you put things into perspective. I did this when I broke up with my ex and rereading previous journal entries months after writing them made me realize how much I had grown from a naïve little pick-me to a strong woman who knew her boundaries.

It also really helps to let the emotion move through you. What do I mean? Working out with weights helped me a lot to channel that anger. Something about anger propels me to work out harder and the endorphins that come after are a sweet treat too. Sensual dance helped me too. I have a sensual dance playlist on Spotify if you want a link! Ranting to a trusted non pick-me girlfriend does wonders as well. Meditation helps a LOT as well. You can download apps like Insight timer that have thousands of free meditations for users.

Never feel wrong for being angry. Anger is a useful tool. It is a matter of really utilizing the emotion to your advantage. Sending you love, light and healing! 💕

bootyandthebeet · 2020-07-15T01:57:59+00:00

I don’t have a lot of advice to be honest but I am just commenting to say I feel the same!! I have a lot of anger too. The break up is still fresh for me and our exes sound similar. I think it will just take time for me. I’ve always been a people pleaser and I was trying to be a fixer-upper in my relationship. Anger is actually a very new emotion for me too because I’m used to minimizing my needs and feeling sad instead of anger. So this new feeling is like what how do I deal with it.

I may have shred him out via text message to him, but it didn’t achieve anything. Nothing he said back would ever be enough to make up for it. So I didn’t use my anger properly, I also feel tempted to tell everyone how bad of a boyfriend he was but I know it won’t make me feel better. If anyone asks maybe I’ll say something but I doubt they will. It kills me to think he might be bagging me out to his friends/fam when I did nothing wrong other than not to have left him. Argh. Thanks for asking this question I hope we can both gain some insight.

passionatevirtuoso · 2020-07-15T02:40:51+00:00

I was in the exact same place. My ex was abusive, manipulative and just plain awful.

I listened to Tara Brach's podcasts on anger, she talks about how to see anger as a helpful force and how it IS ok to feel anger.

She also talked about anger in ways that brought me a lot of peace.

Please try her!

button-up · 2020-07-15T02:53:05+00:00

I write letters I never send.

dntbfllikeidid · 2020-07-15T06:30:41+00:00

When you figure that out, please let me know! 😅

divination__ · 2020-07-15T11:53:33+00:00

I'm in a really similar situation! I think I have largely gotten over the anger (it's been maybe three months since the breakup) but I still get waves. I have also done some self-reflection on my own self to try and figure out what it was about me that accepted this treatment from someone for so long. Not to blame myself, but to identify my weak points. There are insecurities he exploited and I am working on them now. The answer, I think, is just time, self-reflection, and focusing on yourself. It will pass, but there is no quick fix.

hm_idunno · 2020-07-15T01:45:12+00:00

Did we date the same guy? Seriously, these NVM soul suckers are way too common. I’m 1 yr post dumping his ass and honestly the only thing that made any long term difference was therapy but also spoiling myself, dressing up, taking care of myself also helped me just feel sorry for him. Main thing is to just be thankful that it’s in the past, and swear to never fall for such bullshit ever again.

DallasOMalley · 2020-07-15T17:13:04+00:00

[deleted]

Suz1998 · 2020-07-15T02:18:44+00:00

I’m in the same boat and what I did was take a moment to have some clarity. Maybe not the best idea but I told him exactly what I thought of him in no uncertain terms. Refused any apology because there is no apology in the world that will make things ok. Then blocked his ass. Let him keep the anger and every time I feel it I imagine throwing it on him. Told myself that I was better than all his BS and to move on. He’s the angry small person. And just like you my life is so much better without him in about a month. Not dealing with the toxic BS is amazing!

throwawayitst · 2020-07-15T05:17:11+00:00

Go through the feelings and acknowledge them - just like any would itll heal and before you know it you wont even be able to find the invisible scare! Be conscious in your decision to leave him behind- take your lessons and grow❤️

loudest_gusset · 2020-07-15T16:04:03+00:00

I used my anger to learn MMA fighting and weight-lifting and got super fit, someone who couldn't even walk anything faster than a leisure stroll or my shins would start burning and I'd get out of breath. Other than getting my aggression out, now I'm 70 lbs lighter, way more zen and focused, and small but strong (and no longer angry)!

Physical activity is a great way to release frustration. Even if he was my catalyst to try something new, pretty soon after I started, my heart had no room to harbor that anger for him and I was left with a great hobby, newfound health, and a great way of coping with my current and future stressors.

vowelsareimportant · 2020-07-16T11:07:00+00:00

My anger comes in waves. After a while, I realized that a lot of my anger was actually just shame. I was angry because past me didn’t see things as I see them now. I felt embarrassed about letting myself get treated in certain ways and behaving in ways that were beneath me.

The more I work on forgiving myself, the less anger I feel towards them. Being angry at them keeps my focus and my mental energy on them. I don’t want to keep giving them more of myself. I write down all I’m feeling and then just move on (or try to).

Also, I went to a rage room once and it was amazing. Corona might have shut those down where you are but, if not, it was really cathartic to smash a bunch of glass with a baseball bat.

DallasOMalley · 2020-07-15T03:15:18+00:00

Step 1. acknowledge that the only person who controls what you think, feel, and do is you. That's completely under your control and no one else.

Step 2. accept that it's your thoughts that create your feelings... and change what you allow yourself to think about.

Breakup coach Dorothy has loads of excellent podcasts and videos breaking this down really well (e.g. https://www.facebook.com/watch/live/?v=753419275110310)

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