"Ultimatum" and a Culture of Boundary-Shaming

Wtfpwned69 · 2020-12-01T02:09:37+00:00

Ultimatums are 100% necessary and anybody who disagrees with them are just looking for excuses to stay in a shitty relationship. If we are dating and you continue to disappoint me and refuse to grow with me, I AM leaving you.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-12-01T02:06:44+00:00

And this is why if anybody fucks with your boundaries you say "oh you don't like that? Well then I'll just leave. How about that?"

AwkwardDisaster4150 · 2020-12-01T03:23:17+00:00

I thought the reason people say not to use ultimatums is because you shouldn’t have to- if it’s gotten to the point where just asking the person to change their behavior hasn’t worked for so long that you’re considering issuing an ultimatum, the relationship probably isn’t good anyway because if they really gave a crap about you, all you’d have to say is, “hey this bothers me, please stop doing it,” and they’d stop, no ultimatum needed.

At least, that’s how I like to think about it. I’m done bargaining with people to try to get them to treat me with basic respect. Either they treat me right or I’m not going to be in their life anymore.

fcebtfs · 2020-12-01T02:11:07+00:00

Its also only the women they shame for having boundaries. Men will post things like " my girlfriends chews weirdly and it bothers me should I break up with her? " and the comments will be saying "of course you deserve better" etc. A woman will post how her boy friend emotionally abuses her and is addicted softcore porn on Instagram and the comments will be saying that "if you love him you'll stay, there is nothing wrong with that, its normal in a relationship, you can fix him, he just needs a little TLC".

Less-Panic · 2020-12-01T05:02:00+00:00

I've posted about this ass multiple times but my ex refused to see me during Covid. Our birthdays are a day apart in August and in early July I asked him "Hey - I would really love to see you on our birthdays. Do you think you can come up with a way for me to stay safe enough so that you'd be comfortable seeing me?" He gave me some bullshit answer along the lines of "I'm too stressed to think about it right now." I said "Oh okay. Well do you think you could let me know in two weeks? I want to make sure I either have enough time to quarantine safely or if you don't think you'd be comfortable I would like to fly to visit my parents, instead." He snapped and said "DON'T YOU DARE GIVE ME AN ULTIMATUM. THAT'S EXACTLY HOW YOU GET THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU WANT." Dude - that's not a fucking ultimatum. That's asking for some consideration so I can make alternate plans.

Platipus6 · 2020-12-01T03:31:57+00:00

If you have to make an ultimatum, your relationship is already unhealthy.

"Stop doing that or I'll break up with you"

The dumdum should have already come to that conclusion and stopped it himself.

sassenachpants · 2020-12-01T05:38:00+00:00

My ex used to call this “putting the relationship on the table” and acting like I was terrible person for doing it. I put the relationship on the table when: - he treated me disrespectfully. Like had a bad day that had nothing to do with me and wouldn’t look at me or acknowledge me. - he lied to me

So yeah, in retrospect I should have just fucking left the first time because that shit didn’t change.

ModernDayOracle · 2020-12-01T07:50:23+00:00

I 100% agree with the sentiment, and this is my take on it:

A boundary is condition you set on your own behaviour, for example I will not be in a relationship with someone who uses porn

An ultimatum is a condition you set on someone else's behaviour, for example If you don't stop consuming porn I'll dump you

If you're issuing ultimatums, the battle is already lost, because it's reactive rather than proactive. A boundary also circumvents the whole 'you're trying to be controlling!1!!' response. Kyle, no one is telling you that you can't watch as much porn as you want, but I won't date you.

Boundaries should be set and communicated early, and don't set a boundary you aren't 100% willing to enforce immediately. No second chances, no hesitation.

Diamond_fairy · 2020-12-01T04:07:42+00:00

My NVfather used to call "blackmail" and "threat" anything that would put a limit to his misbehaviour to the point that the other person would leave: go figure how much of entitlement these people feel. 🙄

When I was a teen I tried to ask him what about the freedom of that person to not deal with BS they don't want in their life. As much as he's free to choose his bad habits, they're free to walk away from him, right?

According to the sperm donor, nope. Women should just put up with his BS because he's "genuine" and giving him ultimatums to keep the relationship is "blackmailing". 🤦🏻‍♀️

The audacity shitshow.

Edit: this was not only romantic relationships-wise, actually these men treat every woman as if they were not legitimate to have boundaries.

Summerisle7 · 2020-12-01T07:39:17+00:00

I mean, isn’t an ultimatum a necessary part of a boundary? You have to have follow through.

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Title	"Ultimatum" and a Culture of Boundary-Shaming
Author	ProfessionalPee
Upvotes	117
Comments	23
Date	November 30, 2020 6:47 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/k429nh/ultimatum_and_a_culture_of_boundaryshaming/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/ultimatum-and-a-culture-of-boundary-shaming.732566 https://theredarchive.com/post/732566

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