While I was dating a LVM I often extrapolated how he would treat me under certain circumstances, and built a picture of him as a caring partner in my head. However when opportunities arose, he rarely rose to the occasion. Let me explain. 

On a visit to his hometown, I met several of his longtime friends. Throughout the night, a few of them made the point of telling me how loyal he is, that he’ll always be by your side, and will always go to bat for you. These long term friends seemed like a reliable source of information, and I felt confident that my ex would go to bat for me as well. 

WRONG. If I told him about a disagreement I encountered during my day, he always defaulted to playing the devil’s advocate. When there was a dispute among my friend group, he said it was best that he stay neutral. Maybe he backed his homeboys no matter what, but I did not receive that treatment. 

Early in the relationship he told me that he loaned a friend of his quite a lot of money to help her start a business. I extrapolated that not only was he comfortable financially, but that he would be similarly generous with money with me. 

NOPE. My birthday present was late AND cheap. We stopped going on dinner dates way too early, and even when we did go it was always 50/50. When he went on a trip with some friends he made a big deal about how he was going to bring home a souvenir for me. It turned out to be a cheap, small piece of costume jewelry from a gift shop. He was great at keeping track of when it was my turn to pay, but had memory lapses when it was his turn or he owed me. He was so stingy and cheap with every last thing, so even if he was comfortable financially (which I now doubt), he never enjoyed it let alone shared it with me.

His dog was accidentally injured and needed to have a wound regularly cleaned and rebandaged. He was so gentle while he diligently cared for the wound. I extrapolated that he would be equally tender with me if something ever happened to me. 

NUH UH. At one point I became ill and had to miss several days of work, which is very unusual for me. Not only did he not put forth any extra effort, he even withdrew a little. No stopping by, no calls, and only regular texts asking how our days were. When I communicated how unwell I was, I only got an emoji for a response. 

The danger in relying on second-hand or indirect information about a man is that you build a false image in your head which can be difficult to let go of when you’re presented with information to the contrary. I had invested in being with a man who was half real, half imagined. The cognitive dissonance I experienced each of the events I mentioned above made me feel unsettled, but due to my low self-esteem I always defended him and blamed myself. “My expectations were too high, he’s having a hard week.” 

My experience was a perfect example of “if he wanted to, he would”. He absolutely knew how to be loyal, generous, and caring, he just wasn’t with me. While deciding to leave him I struggled with why he wouldn’t provide that care to me, despite him saying he did care for me. But the disparity between his words and his lack of action made me leave. With the help of therapy and FDS I’m confident that it doesn’t matter why he didn’t put forth more effort in the relationship. The only thing that matters is that I learned a lot and will never put up with a low effort partner again.