Nervous about being intimate with my fiance

CSterlingCoaching · 2021-07-07T05:23:58+00:00

Ask him to shower before sex, whether or not you decide to do oral. And be prepared that your first time may hurt (for some women, quite a bit), so it can br helpful to take all pressure off the experience to be "amazing," and just let it be the two of you, experiencing something special amd intimate together. Your first time will probably not be like movie sex, and basically nobody's is. Not creating expectations for what it "should be" can help you to appreciate what it is. ❤

tinytiril · 2021-07-07T10:07:36+00:00

You don't need to do anything you don't want to to "keep him happy". He should expect you to be inexperienced and new to this because he obviously knows he is marrying a virgin. Take all the time you need before and during penetration, as it can be a process getting comfortable, especially when feeling pressed. Don't be afraid to tell him what you want or don't want, what feels good etc.

CountTheBees · 2021-07-07T05:33:37+00:00

If you're a virgin, chill out about the pornographic sex acts. Virgins should not behave like porn stars. In time when you feel more comfortable and you've been married for a while you can start experimenting.

Spunkei · 2021-07-07T18:28:58+00:00

This is something you need to talk to him about, ASAP. What are his expectations? Maybe he doesn’t even like oral. It’s important that he respects your preferences, too...you might be willing to compromise on a BJ, but what happens if he wants to do something you’re vehemently against?

I truly think all couples should be having this conversation before marriage, especially if sexual compatibility is important to them. There’s nothing embarrassing or shameful about it. Honestly, going into your first time completely blind is not a fun experience. I know you may have this self-expectation to blow his mind the first night, but that’s not gonna happen if you don’t even know what he likes, nor does he even expect you to. Talking about it with him isn’t going to ruin any of the magic, I promise.

Open up to him, let him know your insecurities, talk through them with the one person it actually matters to and who can actually answer your questions and settle your concerns. Internet strangers can only scratch the surface of applicable advice for you.

Good luck :)

LouiseConnor · 2021-07-08T02:01:56+00:00

It’s understandably nerve wracking! Don’t stress, you (presumably and hopefully) have the rest of your lives to work on your sexual relationship, so it doesn’t have to be (almost guaranteed not to be, actually) the most amazing fireworks ever. So many things impact sex, expect there to be ups and downs forever. In my marriage, it’s took a solid 7 years or so to really get great. Not that we thought it was that bad, we just didn’t know the ceiling could keep rising and rising.

1) communicate about what you’re both expecting before moving in. Maybe he’s not planning on initiating and thinking you will, or planning to wait til the wedding. You don’t know til you talk about it. It can help avoid certain disappointments.

2) re: oral - ask him what he likes. If it’s one of his favorite things (very likely) ask him how to do it. No one will know better than him. If you’re nervous, say that and try your best. He will probably appreciate effort and care for him over actual performance, especially at first. There’s always another day to try. As for it being clean, no harm in asking him to freshen up before. The tip tends to stay fairly clean, it’s the creases everywhere else that might hold sweat/odor and stuff. Oral was my arch nemesis for a long time but I’ve gotten used to it and my husband got better at describing what he likes. Some stuff just takes a lot of practice.

3) For yourself, if you haven’t explored much by yourself, it doesn’t hurt to start. You’ll probably want lube, a towel for cleanup, and baby wipes. That’s what I keep nearby. It’s hard to say what your first (few) times will be like. For me it was awful, just to throw that out there. No shame in that! Everyone is different! It’s doesn’t mean you are broken or bad or can’t learn. There are quite a few good books too for science and mechanics. I can recommend a handful of Christian ones if you like and a few non.

4) also would like to reiterate that side effects from the pill may come into play as far as lowered sex drive, dryness, mood swings, weight gain, digestive or skin issues, and more. Or not…or the opposite! It’s kind of a wild card. But if you run into issues, don’t forget to consider it as a variable.

Emotional-Turnip · 2021-07-08T01:36:30+00:00

It sounds like you have a ton of expectations built up, or expectations that you think you need to fulfill for sex. Throw all of those away. Your first time is going to be messy and awkward so embrace it! Tell your husband that you're nervous, have a few giggles over the awkwardness and enjoy the fact that you get to share the most vulnerable part of yourself with someone whose committed themselves to you.

Also, from any polls I've seen/things I've read, the thing that most makes sex "good" for men, is simply the fact that you're engaged and that you desire him. Do you and your fiance have any intimacy now (cuddling, kissing, making out)? If not and you're saving that for marriage, that's totally fine, and if that's the case you might even ask him if you guys can simply get used to kissing/ touching over your clothes on your wedding night. Feel comfortable with him. Desire him. Let your intimacy come from a place of wanting to please him because of the love you have for him, not from thinking you have to fulfill an expectation.

It's gonna be weird in the beginning! Keep talking to him, explore gradually and remember that sex is fun!

Roxitten · 2021-07-07T03:34:34+00:00

His penis should always be clean. Set that expectation now.

You should really just talk about it with him.

anothergoodbook · 2021-07-07T19:19:55+00:00

No one has said this yet… use lube. Lots of it. if you are using condoms get water based lube!! Some people think that needing lube is something to be ashamed of (like you aren’t turned on enough or something), but it can be very helpful to make it less painful and much more enjoyable!

Don’t worry if things don’t “work” well the first time. The first time isn’t typically super enjoyable for a woman. It’s more or less the start of a wonderful adventure.

As far as blow jobs. We didn’t even do them for the first year. My husband thought it was demeaning for me and I thought it sounded a bit gross. I read a Christian book (Sheet Music by Dr Leman - highly recommend!!) that helped me get over it. He talked about the how-tos in detail. TMI - but I don’t swallow (ick). The first several times I would ask him to warn me and I wouldn’t let him even finish in my mouth. So basically there was a learning curve to the whole thing.

The thing that frustrates me about the modern idea of sexual compatibility and the worries you have - is that there’s no room for working together and growing together. My husband and I were both fairly inexperienced (I wasn’t a virgin, but I sure didn’t know much about sex!) and we had a lot of fun working on sex together. We did read a few books (since were Christian we did read some that were modestly presented) and we just played around with things we learned. Not everything worked for us and we were surprised to figure out the things we do like. If he’s a good man he’ll be patient and work with you.

The very biggest takeaway is learning to be honest about sex. Telling him what feels good, asking him what he likes… talking about it outside the bedroom without be accusatory but curious and playful.

Don’t mind the comments about the age difference. That’s a very “blue pill” concern…

Inside_Ad_7292 · 2021-07-07T12:33:37+00:00

Don’t allow stress to take the joy of your first time away from you. Don’t worry about being good at it, because it’s not about being “good”, it’s about being together in a vulnerable moment and feeling close to one another. It’s a really beautiful thing. And yes, he’s done it with other girls, but he never did it with a woman he loves as much as you, and so you will be more special. Be in the moment, enjoy the closeness, and worry about technique when you’ve done it a few times. Be sure to be completely open with him about how you feel and I’m absolutely sure he will be happy to do everything he can to make sure the whole experience is as comfortable and loving as possible. He wants you to enjoy it as much as him. I promise.

Chlobal · 2021-07-07T13:02:52+00:00

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Original-Ad-7559 · 2021-07-08T00:19:40+00:00

Take it one step at a time. It’s ok, let him do his thing. If he has experience he will know to take it slow in the beginning.

The oral thing, most likely you will grow into it. You need to try it, most say they realize they just overhyped it and actually enjoy it later down the line. Experiment and have fun!

Just breathe and relax, this is an extremely special occasion. Let it be amazing, feel the love and connection together! And communicate!

WistfulPuellaMagi · 2021-07-14T09:29:53+00:00

Don’t do anything just to make him happy. If you aren’t comfortable doing it, don’t push yourself. A good man is not happy when his partner is uncomfortable.

Also explore your own body first and make sure that he does focus on you as well when you start getting intimate. Don’t jump to sex right away. Explore each other first. A man who jumps to sex first is someone who only cares about his pleasure. Start with fingers first and use lube.

Do let him know that you are a virgin and don’t let him pressure you into doing things you aren’t ready for.

Also if it is EVER real painful, you need to stop right away. Sex should never be real painful unless you want it to be.

Communicate what you want or don’t want. Don’t be afraid to tell him to stop. If he continues when you have asked him to stop, you need to end this relationship cause that is rape. Also discuss all your fears and expectations and boundaries and safe word FIRST. A couple who can’t discuss sex should not have sex. And have him take an STD test since he had multiple partners.

Good luck.

yourbadformylungs · 2021-07-07T16:34:56+00:00

If you don’t want to give him a blow job you don’t have to. Its not required to keep him happy, and if he insists that it is required against your wishes then you may want to reevaluate things. You give him a blow job when and if you are ready (if at all) because you want to not because you have to. As if a blowjob is really going to keep a guy around if he doesn’t want to be with you.

I would suggest doing some research about sexual boundaries as you are young and inexperienced. I get wanting to keep the innocence factor of it going into it with your bf especially as a virgin. Though you can learn a lot from sexual boundaries and it says a lot about your partner as to whether they can respect those boundaries or not.

Reading from your comments I personally think it may benefit you to explore your sexual side a bit. Try thinking of fantasies of what you are attracted to in your man and what you may be wanting to do with him (you don’t have to use porn) or maybe even go ahead and experiment with touching yourself and allowing your mind to get into a sexual head space. You don’t have to go inside yourself to do that, you have a clitoris for a reason; women can enjoy sex too and again I suggest you do more research. This may open you mind to start thinking of sex and understanding things a bit more. Maybe even talk to your partner about your feelings and insecurities. Its important as well that you trust this man you are having sex with, trust and sex typically go hand and hand for a woman.

I personally think of sex for me as a submitting my power to a dominant which would be my man. I love giving to him and he loves giving to me. Now this is balance or ratio between dominance and submission is different for every couple, though it general plays a role in most relationships, some more than others. It also could be the other way around for some regarding which partner is dominant and which is submissive though generally in heterosexual relationships the guy is more dominant and the woman is submissive.

I love sex with my bf, its fun and I enjoy giving him blow jobs, it a turn on for him and myself but its certainly not a requirement to keep him.

ZeroTwoAnythingForU · 2021-07-08T03:22:22+00:00

Negotiated desire becomes an obligation. Which means there is no genuine desire - Rollo Tomassi

karenina-13 · 2021-07-08T00:58:28+00:00

Just a comment on the contraceptive pill -- it can negatively impact a female's perception of her partner, as noted in "Sex at Dawn". The authors mentioned how when the wife came off the pill, she no longer loved her partner and felt indifferent to him. Correlation is not causation, but the contraceptive pill doesn't come without side effects.

SillyRabbitBlue · 2021-07-07T03:40:43+00:00

Ive been with my husband for 10 years. He has come to terms with me not wanting to go down there. That dosn't mean someone else will do it. Also, after child birth it really grossed him out to go down there on me. It isn't that we are not clean we just both feel odd about it. You can say no or maybe work your way up to being ok with it.

Title	Nervous about being intimate with my fiance
Author	Chlobal
Upvotes	16
Comments	23
Date	July 7, 2021 3:02 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ofad4d/nervous_about_being_intimate_with_my_fiance/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/nervous-about-being-intimate-with-my-fiance.789389 https://theredarchive.com/post/789389

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