A question for the masses

team_starfox3 · 2024-12-22T03:41:24+00:00

I'd advocate for taking a real look and reassessing yoir marriage. You're at a phase where life is drastically changing and sounds like neither of you are adapting.

something drastic does need to happen to wake things up and breathe, obviously that something could be divorce, but it could also mean having a real serious talk.

You've been military for along time. How did commands assess and fix problems within the unit? They looked into what the symptoms were, identified the source of problems then made decisions with deliberate action to correct

pk2at · 2024-12-20T22:56:21+00:00

You need to look into asset protection and pro se legal separation, that's your exit plan, save your assets and see how you can pay zero to her

jog515 · 2024-12-20T19:11:02+00:00

My wife beat me to the punch and filed before I did in October. I hired a lawyer and gave him the reigns. I walked out of the house a few weeks later with two suitcases and a backpack. I'm rucking through Asia right now. Sitting on a beach in Hua Hin Thailand weed gummies in my belly.

F' that witch.

NorthBoy_9012 · 2024-12-20T15:58:00+00:00

Absolutely see an attorney before. Visit apartments/condos whatever ahead of time you might live in. Strengthen your connections with friends, relatives, your kids - and feed the support network you’ll need. Make sure you have hobbies set up. Join a church if you’re not already in one. After that, plan it with her, calmly, if possible. Protect your financial assets BEFORE. Good luck.

No_Pace2396 · 2024-12-20T15:21:44+00:00

Prepare for the worst hope for the best. Get your plan in place. When you’re ready, try to get her into discernment counseling so you can mutually decide to divorce, preferably thru a mediator. If she flips out, you have your plan b.

leaving4me · 2024-12-20T14:30:23+00:00

Consult your attorney and be resigned to the fact that half is half going in because the person you married is NOT the same as the one you are about to divorce.

Gattsama · 2024-12-20T13:56:07+00:00

CUT & PASTE

Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free.

Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash / assets the day before or of filing. The date of filing normally locks in debts and assets. Anything new after that is separate (in most states).

Confirm the no fault conditions for your state. Some states have a 1 year mandatory separation prior to final settlement. However, separation is a legal status not a physical state. You can be separated but live in the same house (eg move into the guest room and put a lock on the door). Since you have kids do NOT leave the house without a court approved / ordered parenting plan in place. That can be seen as abandonment.

Divorce has three parts: communal assets / debts, spousal support and child support. Each of these are calculated separately. You can however use the assets/debts to balance out or in lieu of support. You can NOT normally negotiate child support (as in theory this is for the child).

The child has three parts: custody, residency/visitation and support. Understand that you can get 50/50 custody but that is separate from residency. Most people today are aiming for equal residency as well: 7-7 (7days with mom, then 7days with dad) or 5225 (5 days with A, 2 days with B, 2 days with A, 5 days with B). In some states child support is just a formula, Google for your state.

Your retirement accounts are a community asset. Anything earned during the marriage (what you earned before is normally safe) is 50% hers.

If you want to keep your retirement accounts, then what you have to do is an uneven distribution or buy her out. Ex 1 - you have 100k of assets, 50k debt and 60k of investments. You keep the 60k but now owe her 30k; so you either give her 30k more of assets or you take an extra 30k of debt. Ex 2 - you give her $30k of extra spousal support or cash. Same is true if you want to keep the home.

The house has two parts. Title and mortgage. Changing the name on the title is as simple as a few forms and fees at the court house. The mortgage however can not be changed without refinancing. So again 3 choices: refinance loan, assumption loan or sell the house. If you get a new loan she still has to get her half of the equity. Either you buy her out (cash), an unequal distribution, or roll into spousal support. If you sell the house, again it's a 50/50 spilt or the equity can be use in lieu of.. (aside - in my case we have to sell the house, I plan to use my half of the equity in lieu of support. So just give her a huge ass check and have no spousal support after final settlement and we have no kids).

Check if you can legally record conversions in your state. If so buy, a recorder from Amazon. Record everything, can delete at the end of each day if nothing happens. Document everything, not a diary just your life: picked kids from school, did homework, etc. To show you are a good parent.

Contact an attorney, tell them your concerns and review your case (normally first 1hr consult is free). Do not tell her shit until you are prepared. Ask your attorney what temporary orders can be filed to prevent the kids from crossing state lines, visitation, etc. This also varies state to state.

We don't know you or her. IF you think she will be reasonable. Make the plan, have everything on stand by but before pulling the trigger on temp orders, attorneys and escalation; confront her, and see if she is willing to be reasonable and have an uncontested divorce via mediation. Tell her you have filed and there is no repair. I love you and feel horrible. IF she is feeling guilty and workable might not need the temp orders as these pretty much put an end to mediation. IF you know she's crazy, likely to be crazy or takes the news crazy; those orders need to be done at the time of filing or ready to file is things go side ways.

Beside the excel sheet, make a word document with a master timeline is also good to have. Again, you can do this with Google docs and sheets with your new Gmail account. It's not just that you don't want her to see this stuff it's that you want to create a new separate life & systems.

All assets and debts from the time you marry until you file are communal. She opened a credit card in her name, it's got 50k on it. That's half your debt. After you file everything is no longer communal. So right after you file you want your check to be direct deposit to your new account. You can transfer to the joint account as needed to cover bills and expenses. Pay for everything that is you from your account, do not use communal assets. You want to stop co-mingling asap after filing. Again, close all joint accounts just prior to filing. Leave 50% cash in joint checking (aside - my STBX maxed out the joint VISA +$9.5k, took a $7500 cashiers check from the joint checking account, maxed out personal line of credit [zero balance when I filed, now over drawn at +$20k]).

Spousal support alimony varies a lot from state to state. In CA after 10 years there is the possibility of life long alimony!! I'm in WA and that's not on the table until >25 years. Many states have caps on length and amounts, some work to make everything equal. But remember child support is totally separate. Many men can easily find they have to sign over >50% of their net take home. Google for your state and check with attorney.

I can not stress enough that your lawyer can NOT do anything to change the system. They are not your friend or therapist. The only thing you need to discuss is the case. YOU need to read everything you can about the laws in your state, they will not do the heavy lifting for you. If you can do mediation and get it done (even if you have to give up some extra cash) do it! This BS can get really expensive really fast, but you will get the exact same deal at the end anyway. It's more about staying power. A lot guys get crap deals because they give up and quit/settle; or just run of out money to keep fighting.

Good luck out there

Gattsama · 2024-12-20T13:55:03+00:00

You need to talk to an attorney and then call up your divorced military peers (numerous of them exist) for advice about your pension and benefits.

soontobesolo · 2024-12-20T13:34:04+00:00

Right here my friend, follow this: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1f4yhuc/my_advice_to_those_starting_down_this_path/

Absolutely quietly strategize and work very carefully to disentangle yourself from this marriage. Play the long game, with patience. Do this and you'll be OK at the other end.

AirSailer · 2024-12-20T13:30:12+00:00

Thanks for posting again.

The moment I realized I needed to divorce my (now ex) wife was when I came to the conclusion there's no path forward where she would change. All the changes she needed to make has to come from within her; nothing I could do would change her. The financial irresponsibility, the screaming, the lack of sex, the refusal to get a job, hoarding crap... I wasn't going to change any of that and I could not continue living that life. She begged me not to, and when that failed she turned into the Queen Bitch of the Universe, burning as much as she could to get as much out of me. Those were her true colors, and her behavior during the divorce validated to me that I was doing the right thing.

That being said, it hurt financially, but my life is magnitudes better now. I have control of my life, it's going well, and drama free without that parasite draining my energy for her own purposeless pursuits.

Unusual_University14 · 2024-12-20T12:47:18+00:00

I did have a plan (though timetable was moved up some once I realized she was planning a silver bullet divorce, which only applies for underage kids for the most part) and certainly did consult an attorney. Without fighting over custody it makes things easier, it's just a question of alimony and splitting up marital estate.

RespectInevitable479 · 2024-12-20T12:21:36+00:00

If your unhappy leave. You’ll split assets but your piece is worth It. Thankfully your kids are grown and grew up with you around. Go chase happiness. Women divorce for less. Sorry I never was married so can’t answer your questions.

ExaminationKlutzy194 · 2024-12-20T12:20:33+00:00

In your case, given the military retirement, I would absolutely consult an attorney before making any decision. Your retirement benefits will be part of any divorce settlement. You may or may not have to pay short term support to your wife depending on her employment status and the state you are in. And there may be assets and physical property you very much want to try and conserve.

I also am a firm believer in not leaving my home. If you are in an apartment I might think differently. But if you stay and file, that may convince her to go, which is in effect a win. So in that respect, wait.

Title	A question for the masses
Author	Savings_Sail_231
Upvotes	8
Comments	17
Date	December 20, 2024 12:15 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1hiij4w/a_question_for_the_masses/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/a-question-for-the-masses.1539044 https://theredarchive.com/post/1539044

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