Going to couples counseling today for the first time. We are 40 somethings married 17 years. Two teenage kids. She is a SAHM.

It's been rocky for years (and years and years). I do love her, but we have not been in love for a long time. I am empty and lonely. I feel like a shell of a man, and the moment I dread every day is walking in the door.

It's not abusive or volatile. We get along just fine. We are just roommates. It is empty and void.

Anyway, I went to counseling for a while, and she has been in therapy for the past year or so. There is some very real trauma in her past that leads to an inability to let me in.

Last week I told her how lonely I was. The conversation spiraled downward, and I'm afraid it may have set her back in her own recovery. We decided that the only thing to do was go to the counselor together. So that's were we are headed.

I don't know what I even want to say. If it was not for the financial implications, I would have divorced her by now. Those feeling are becoming more and more real. It's almost on the tip of my tounge and I feel like one day it will just slip out. Deep down, it's what I want. Damn the torpedoes.

I can't even wrap my head around the financial devastation. I make modestly decent money. She has not worked in 15 years. I know it's more than money... but the money is big.

The biggest thing for me is the lack of touch. To know that in my house, my physical body is repulsive to the one person I committed it entirely to. It makes me want to throw up just typing that. Like it is a burden I can no longer bear.

I have felt that way for many years but kept it tucked way down. It was not bearable, but I stayed numb enough to get through each day. Then when we started therapy a little over a year ago, I was forced to let go of the numbness. Feeling the feelings again made it all the harder. And after a year, we are still where we were.

So, I guess that was a lot of rambling to say I'm just in a fog right now. Not sure what this afternoon will bring.