Divorce

Noodletrousers · 2023-05-31T12:59:45+00:00

This is a common theme here. We all go through it. It doesn’t matter if you initiated the divorce or she did. It’s a loss and trauma. Like all trauma, it gets easier to accept as time passes, if you’re honest with yourself. For a few months I was driven mad at the thought of my wife in bed with another man. Slowly it dissipates and now I don’t think about it.

There’s a ton of good advice here and lots of dudes here to help you through the times you’re struggling the most. Use this sub to find the tips and tricks and actually carry them out.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. You can choose your path forward now without an albatross. Do you want to be happy or wallow? It’s up to you.

idiskfla · 2023-05-31T14:23:32+00:00

Two years since my divorce, and i’m still hurting, although feeling a little better month by month. I’m an introvert, my ex was an extrovert, so it’s tough for me to make friends and meet new people. She has a huge network / support system. She also makes a lot of money, is hot, young-looking Cambodian-American with great body. (She cheated on me after 12 yrs). Long story short, I don’t believe she’s in a bad place without me. I know she’s fine. And this makes me really jealous and resentful.

However, these are some things that’ve helped me.

Accept that it’s going to hurt. It just does. Whether due to pain of rejection or the pain of regret (or both), it’s going to hurt. A lot of guys you walk past everyday are feeling the same pain.
Be around people. Family, friends, get a dog, join a club / community. Avoid being alone if you can.
Focus on her negatives. I made a list of things I didn’t like about my ex, her family, and our relationship. The list was 3 pages long in ten point font. She’s one of a billion, not one in a billion. When we lose something, we tend to focus on what we lost. Try to focus on what you gained.
Take risks in your life. Esp risks that you wouldn’t / couldn’t take when you were together. Financial, career, dating, hobby, personal, just take them. Ask a stranger out. If she says no, the pain from the rejection still won’t be anything compared to being rejected by your ex who you loved for over a decade.
Gym. Or run. Or swim. Just channel negative energy into self-improvement.
Set a tough goal for yourself each day and or each week. Not just regular admin / work goals, but something really challenging that you’ll look back on at the end of the day and say “wow”. There’s no growth in the comfort zone, and there’s no comfort in the growth zone.
Always keep in mind that in the year 2080, it’s doubtful any of us will still be on this earth. You won’t be here, I won’t be here, our exes won’t be here, our in laws def won’t be here. So we can choose to use the next 30-60 years of our lives dwelling on the past 5-10 years. Or we can say fuck the past, start making boss moves, and let the next 30-60 years be one friggin’ incredible ride.

Fuck her, and fuck the past.

Gattsama · 2023-05-31T13:10:45+00:00

Everyone is different. I filed but still was pretty messed up. For me, it was important to remember that I wasn't actually in love with her. I was in love with the idea of her, a delusion I had created in my mind. The person I was in love with wouldn't tell me what a pile of shit I am, never support me, plan me for everything, go deadbed for 2 years, encourage me to work to death, tell me she didn't want to hear my problems or how me discussing the negative aspect of the marriage made her feel unsafe, etc.

Don't know your situation. But a reaccuring theme is we focus on the good, ignore the bad and frequently engage in delusion.

Ultimately the question is are you health together? Are you workable? Do you respect each other? For me all the above was no. I still was affected by choicing to terminate the marriage. But in my case, life as been so much more peaceful, stress / drama free and I have never been more emotionally and mentally fit.

Be safe out there

To_Shrug · 2023-05-31T13:10:59+00:00

You will make it through this because you have to!

Its really boils down to just 2 choices, you either move on and better yourself... or you don't and wallow in self pity and sadness forever.

It hurts a lot right now, most of us on this sub have been in that same spot. We understand and are all here to help. You will read a lot of great, practical advice on this sub like - work out, read no more mr nice guy, eat healthy, don't drink...

But, the first thing you have to do (if this is fresh) is mourn the loss of the relationship. It sucks, and is really really hard: you'll grieve (not be able to eat or sleep well for a while and lose weight). For reference - it took me a few months.

You have the support of an AWESOME group of men here that are here to help. You'll have a lot of questions and this is the best place to turn. I suspect there isn't a question that hasn't been answered on this sub.

Read everything you can here, its very cathartic. You got this!

Betterversion-me · 2023-05-31T13:14:26+00:00

Thank you all very much. This is awesome and means a ton to me that men out there are willing to help a stranger. To that I say thank you.

MightBusiness7231 · 2023-05-31T16:57:25+00:00

It sucks. My wife did the same. I was all in. She had written me off and didn’t have the balls to own it. Our therapist had to basically tell me she wasn’t interested in making it work. Her life will suck more, and she’ll be poorer, but she’s a child mentally so she doesn’t know what consequences are.

sicrm · 2023-05-31T13:09:24+00:00

finding an outlet if you don’t have one already can help (fighting club, cooking, any hobbies you lost touch with, or a rage room especially if someone goes with you).

if you go with a fighting club tell the trainer a little about what you’re going through. then get work out until you can’t anymore. then pick a day to do it over again.

visiting friends/family or a place you always wanted to see could be a good reset as well.

captainchippsixx · 2023-05-31T14:25:01+00:00

Do you want the truth? She fell out love because she likes someone else. She started talking to them before she told you. Women start the plan before they tell the husband. So she is a cheater. Change your mentality. Emotional and possibly physical cheater.

This is like a 80% chance that this is the scenario. It’s that common. Check her phone. Check photos, deleted photos, texts, memos. It will be there. She has you on the ropes.

Mountain_Collar_7620 · 2023-05-31T13:51:19+00:00

You’ll be fine !!! Rest a bit then work out logistics , do some exercise and heal 🤗 Nothing lasts for ever in life once you accept that death divorce and disasters just become random Events in the game of Life

Classic_Dill · 2023-05-31T14:07:29+00:00

TIME

Pharmanomic · 2023-05-31T18:58:12+00:00

The best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody

pk2at · 2023-05-31T15:14:05+00:00

16 years is a long marriage, this is not the time for you to grieve. I would be very worried with how divorce proceedings play out in court, with you getting financially bankrupted and enslaved for the rest of your life.

Get smart, prepare for battle, manipulate her and get two signatures on a legal separation form giving you control of any assets you have earned

Theedon · 2023-05-31T23:38:30+00:00

Well, you take one step at a time until you can run again. Read every reply here. Should be lots of good advice. 👍 If you keep calm, you will make it through this. The other side might be better or the same old shit but hey, that's life. 💯

Also you were addicted to someone being there with you and sometimes for you. It will happen again. Might get divorced again too. You just never know.

Title	Divorce
Author	Betterversion-me
Upvotes	10
Comments	34
Date	May 31, 2023 12:52 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/13wlgnd/divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/divorce.1220878 https://theredarchive.com/post/1220878

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