How do I (43M) "work on myself"?

wasitmethewholetime · 2020-03-01T15:59:03+00:00

You are working on yourself based on what you said. Give yourself a break, don’t expect so much from yourself.

The whole “we became roommates“ thing always irks me because of course that’s going to happen with any two people who spend a really long time together and the simple fix is to work on ways to change things up a little, but instead one party always decides that it’s just unfixable and leaves. So many divorces that don’t have to happen but it’s just that one or both parties don’t understand the nature of how relationships change continuously over the years.

Divorce really sucks and is brutally painful. You just have to feel the feelings in order to process them. Don’t try to bury them, don’t try to push yourself to feel better too soon, don’t push yourself to do anything you’re not ready for. Don’t let other people tell you what you should be doing or how you should be feeling, or when you should be ready to date etc. Do you things on your own time, that’s part of practicing self-care.

NohoTwoPointOh · 2020-03-01T16:16:29+00:00

Seeing therapist - Check.

Praying to the Iron God - Check

Re-establishing your support network - Check

Doing pretty well, brother. What about your career and hobbies? How are things going professionally? Also, are there hobbies that you gave up or set aside during the relationship?

MagnusRexus · 2020-03-01T17:30:51+00:00

Hey man, I'm sorry you're going through this right now. My D-day was about 3 years ago. Together for 11 years, 2 kids together, then she left me for one of my "friends". I was totally blindsided. I was devastated. Worst emotional pain I've ever gone through. I still have a lot of work to do, but I'm much better now in my head than I've ever been before. I think it's because aside from what you've already mentioned, the "work" I did included a lot of self reflection about how my own mind & thoughts work. I discovered a lot of thinking errors about the world, life, relationships, etc that I didn't know were there. So I started doing research in Eastern thought, Stoicism, etc. A lot of the perspectives these disciplines preached were foreign to me, even the opposite of how I saw the world. But I recognized the logic and truth in these alternative ways of thought, so I started to practice them over the last 3 years. I still have a long way to go, and am catching myself daily making mental mistakes, but catching yourself is half the battle. Once you see your errors you have the opportunity to correct them. It's a very empowering dynamic. Adopting these new frames of thought is what made me mentally "better", more able to deal with life from a different perspective, one that makes me happier on a moment by moment basis and feel more in control of my emotions, thoughts and life. I'm a much different person now than I was 4+ years ago, and I'm grateful for it. So if you're wondering where/how the "work" happens, I really think it comes down to changing your perspective on life as a whole. If whatever you've been doing up until now isn't working, try something different. Best of luck.

BaldDudeInFlorida · 2020-03-02T02:56:05+00:00

Focus on getting into the gym, schedule a physical, start watching your diet, learn to cook, learn to play a musical instrument, listen to some self-help and investment books on tape, travel to Rio. Do what makes you happy. You are about to enter Life 2.0. Enjoy it dude.

Slick-Fork · 2020-03-02T04:19:28+00:00

I was in your shoes a couple of years ago, in Canada we need a one year waiting period so I got my divorce signed about this time last year.

To me it sounds like you’re doing the right things, but it takes time. Tons and tons of time, you will have days where you feel like you’re getting over it and you’re ready to face the world as a brand new man. And then you’ll have days where all you wanna do sit on the couch and see how many six packs you can polish off.

I got through the bad days by taking up cross country skiing and biking in the summer. I learned to recognize when I was down and I would go for a ski or for a bike ride and guaranteed I would feel better by the end of it

When you were having a bad day, acknowledge to yourself that you’re having a bad day. Recognize those feelings for what they are, and recognize that they are temporary and tomorrow is a new day.

My other comment is not to cave into bitterness, you still have to negotiate final divorce if this goes that way. Don’t let yourself be a doormat, but don’t be needlessly vindictive either. Be the person that you will be proud to be when you look back five years from now.

cosmicjoker1776 · 2020-03-01T16:24:47+00:00

My STBXW of 11 years is doing something very similar to me. There is nothing that anyone can do or say to lessen how you feel. Unfortunately, only time will ease the pain. You need to let the grieving process happen. The pain you'll suffer will likely never be "fixed", the most you'll hope for is that it becomes less of a burden to you over the years. Following through with therapy is important. Make yourself a better person, regardless of what may happen with your wife.

Being productive (gym, work, friends) is helpful, so is seeing a therapist. Some things that I have found that don't really help are drinking/drugs (they tend to amplify the already negative thoughts in your head), running away from your fears and problems (not the easiest thing to do), being too lazy (there will be days of zero motivation and that's okay, just don't let it be the norm).

Find your emotional support (friends, family, groups, etc) and vent and listen and share. What you are going through is something I would never wish on anyone (except for my wife's new boyfriend, fuck him).

akihonj · 2020-03-01T16:37:19+00:00

Everyone is saying that because they don't have anything else or better to say. Sadly I think most saying that saw the writing on the wall long before you did.

So take their advice get the therapy and get to a gym. Then go from there

reallydiditthistime · 2020-03-01T18:57:36+00:00

I'll share how I'm dealing with it, I still have to deal with the loss right now. Shes not willing to talk about reconciliation. I cant bury those feelings, so while I haven't been served papers, I also know exactly where I stand without false hope. Maybe in this separation I'll find I'm not willing or able to meet her needs? I just have to take care of myself and one way or another. Come out of this a much better man.

tjbizzle1974 · 2020-03-01T20:51:53+00:00

I could of wrote that post myself. (45M) and married 12yrs with one child. We literally separated this past week and I’m heartbroken and lost. She on the other hand shows no remorse, or sadness. I put up with years of emotional abuse to the point that I’m left with no self worth, no self esteem, and that I deserved to be treated that way. She is a narcissist and I thought if I just stick it out that someday she will change and realize how much I do for her and the love I give, while she purposely refused to show me any love. My wife never physically touched me our entire relationship and most arguments were me begging for even a simple hug. Years of this made me think there was something wrong with me and that it was my fault, which I still feel that way. I’ve lost most all of my friends and my family doesn’t live near me so I’m alone. I know that I have a good heart and deserve better yet I loved her and prayed every day that she would love me the way I loved her. I finally had to end it even though I am scared. I thought maybe I should just stay and just accept the way things are that atleast I will still have my family, and sacrifice my needs for my child. I’m still so confused and regret what I did all the time and consider just going back. My wife puts all the blame on me and thinks she is a perfect wife and that instead of physical touch she thinks that paying bills, taking care of our child, being in the same house is her way of showing affection to me. 12yrs ago on our wedding our Pastor asked each of us what do we need to feel loved. I immediately said “physical touch” where as she said “when I clean the house, buy her things, and helping her financially” was her way of feeling loved by me. Well I’ve done most the cleaning, pay most of the bills, and buy her gifts all the time yet she refuses to put her hands on me. I’ve always been faithful yet I don’t feel she has done the same. I feel ashamed because I’m the man and men aren’t the ones in abusive relationships so I don’t talk about it or admit what’s really going on to people. I know that it’s not healthy emotionally and mentally for me to continue in this marriage but I have hope and faith thinking anyway she will change, but after 12yrs chances are she won’t. This is the first I’ve opened up to anyone about my situation and I erased my response three times already because I’m embarrassed and I’m afraid of peoples responses. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this and there’s a 75% chance I will beg her to allow me back. I good friend of mine was in the same situation as I was and we had each other to talk to and to compare who had it worse, but sadly he committed suicide two years ago. I can see how emotional abuse can lead to suicide because when someone purposely neglects you love you wonder what’s the point of living. The thought has crossed my mind, however I would never do that to my daughter or people who care about me. I know that in the end I will be glad I did but it’s just getting to that point seems so so far away and unreachable. Without a support system is going to make it even harder...fml! Anyway I just want you to know that your in my thoughts and prayers and if you need to talk I’ll be here for you. Good always wins, which means we will eventually come out of this in a positive and healthy way, not just for us but for our children and family too. Stay strong my friend and I’ll do the same. It’s nice to know I’m not totally alone.

CoatedWinner · 2020-03-01T17:36:28+00:00

Youre doing it. You ask how people get through it and its by doing the stuff you said you are doing. And time. Everyone grieves in their own way. You're right where you should be, dont beat yourself up.

reallydiditthistime · 2020-03-01T18:58:37+00:00

And I'm glad to hear she is working on herself. You will both have to be your best to have a chance.

I'm pulling for you both!

mushpuppy · 2020-03-01T22:09:17+00:00

Start with this book. Trust me. It has changed my life.

I love myself. A simple enough mantra. But it is powerful.

Read the book.

tjbizzle1974 · 2020-03-02T05:56:42+00:00

I’ve never made my own post and usually never comment either, but your post hit so close to home that I had to atleast share my story as a comment at the least. Reading the comments from your post helped me a lot already. Thanks for the feedback and who knows, perhaps you might see a post from me.

dday_throwaway3 · 2020-03-03T15:35:06+00:00

This advice was tremendously helpful to me during my reconstruction period: https://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=81647

d4bitch · 2020-03-06T19:36:44+00:00

I am in the same situation but reverse (my husband is the one who doesn't want to make the effort after suggesting therapy). The best thing i did so far for myself is to take some time off work. That gave me the opportunity to work on myself more. I do the same as you, but i added some books about non violent communication to help my future relationships and some books and podcasts on how to love myself again. I also found an online community of women who are going through the same thing. Hearing that others are feeling the same as i am, makes me feel that my feelings are validated. For some reason my family and friends just want me to move on and not mope about and don't really get it. I am doing yoga because it helps with feeling strong in one area of my life at least and it helps with breathing. For some reason i feel like i am always holding my breath or that i don't have enough of it.I know it doesn't seem like much, i also expected the "self healing" process to look more clinical or serious but apparently this is enough. I a guessing in time i will be able to do more, but so far this is it.

vabab8 · 2020-03-01T16:40:01+00:00

You need MRP and get yourself a MAP.

reallydiditthistime · 2020-03-01T17:20:15+00:00

Wow. This one hits close to home and is very similar to what I'm going through at the moment. I dont have a silver bullet, but a month into this it has gotten more clear, if not any less painful. Focusing on my kids, setting up my new house, and my friends have all been blessings. I've also been working to rebuild relationships with her family and I'm having some success there.

I know that it seems like you are setting yourself up to die two deaths, but if you love your wife, you'll have regretted walking away if there was any chance.

You say she wont work on herself. That's fine, you cant control her. You focus on listening to her needs and meeting them. Make the changes you are willing to make. With any luck, she will see them and spark an interest

Edit: could anyone please explain the downvotes? I thought this thread was for supporting each other

Title	How do I (43M) "work on myself"?
Author	devastated_dad
Upvotes	11
Comments	46
Date	March 1, 2020 3:48 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/fbvt4i/how_do_i_43m_work_on_myself/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-i-43m-work-on-myself.818492 https://theredarchive.com/post/818492

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