How do I live without her

mywash57 · 2025-05-29T23:51:36+00:00

So we talked it out for hours and from that conversation I can confirm we are not making it. There was definitely fault on both sides but I was definitely on autopilot for most of the marriage. The things she experienced I had no idea. It breaks my heart because I was not there to comfort her. It almost seems like the interactions that I took as miniscule, they meant the world to her. How could I get this so so wrong. How is that possible?...Funny part is I've always been a loner and now that I need people in my life to lean on, I've isolated myself so I have no one. I just don't want to feel anything...I need to stop my mind from thinking about anything so I'm at the bottom of a bottle. I know this is not the way, but realizing what's coming breaks my heart and I don't want to feel anything. I want to numb it all. I fucking hate life sometimes.

mywash57 · 2025-05-29T04:08:20+00:00

She just moved her things out of our bedroom into the guest room. Shit just feels like a slow burn. 😞

NohoTwoPointOh · 2025-05-27T19:02:02+00:00

Same way you lived before her.

The feelings are normal, BTW. Therapy, exercise, and avoiding bad stuff. That will form a solid base for moving on.

Lonely_Panda4322 · 2025-05-27T05:17:52+00:00

My brother, more grace to you…remember time heals everything. You’ll be fine, keep pushing and you’ll see the wonders of the Lord in your life. Let her go and move on…trust me it gets better.

broakie212 · 2025-05-26T18:17:06+00:00

2 years post divorce, almost 4 since separation. Been there done that, through the ups and downs. Best advice I can give is prayer, not once, not whenever you feel like it but daily, this is your shortcut to healing without putting your self through a bunch of temporary feel good moments.

Fickle-Jellyfish-529 · 2025-05-26T17:25:14+00:00

Ohh my. Come and let me hug you. You are terribly heartbroken. It's going to take time to recover from the betrayal. Be kind to yourself that is all you have to do. Nothing else. Just love on yourself and hard as it may seem press forward. Your goals your way your time. Hang in there. This is the worst stage of healing.

demonofthefall96 · 2025-05-26T14:33:32+00:00

Hi I'm really sorry you're going through. Everyone has given you great advice which in many ways also helped me in the last year or so. If you're intention is to get back with her then I recommend listening to the Husband Help Haven podcast. That podcast really saved me in my first 3 months of separation. In the end it was I who finalised the divorce as I no longer liked the person she became throughout separation however I hope your journey will be smoother for you.

Sending you much strength!

Blue_wafflestomp · 2025-05-26T14:10:48+00:00

They say that divorce is the second most traumatic thing an adult can go through after the death of a child. Death of parents, friends, etc doesn't come close. Saying that just so you know it's more or less "supposed" to feel like this.

One day at a time, one hour at a time some days. It'll get easier but for now just get through the moments of the day. It's not time that heals, but experiences. If you sit and wallow, and wait to be "better" it'll take longer and hurt deeper. Do things while you are hurting, even if they aren't enjoyable. Go see a movie alone, go to a nice dinner alone. Run. Exercise. Hike. Paint. Play video games. Talk to strangers, especially if it is awkward and feels like a disaster. Doesn't have to be women, can be a hobo panhandling at the stop sign.

Enjoy your kids. They're hurt by this too although they'll manifest it in inexplicable ways that don't make rational sense. Your kids need love and a strong male presence as a leader.

MonkeyBranchBuster · 2025-05-26T12:48:15+00:00

I'm pretty fresh, 7 weeks since finding about her affair and her "breaking up with me". Just don't do anything rash, remember to eat, get in touch with close friends to vent.

Talking to her about anything now is pointless, and after a few weeks you'll accept the new situation and your love for her will soon be over once you realize it's one sided and she's ruthlesly coming for your wallet.

Don't be emotional in front of her, mirror her behaviour. Just give it a few weeks and you'll start thinking more clearly.

No suicide, your kids need you. Trust me, I know a few people that have lost a dad that way and they are scarred for life. That just made it easier for the mother to whore around and set her loser dad narrative. You don't want this for your kids.

Exactly65536 · 2025-05-26T12:48:03+00:00

It is indeed similar to losing a loved one. Which happens, you know. There's no timing these events for our convenience.

Let yourself grieve. Let yourself cry. It's a fair, valid reaction. Take a day off if you can afford it. If possible, reschedule your exam or, if not, try to pass it the best you can.

Don't hurry to the gym or any other way to make you feel better. Feel bad for a while, that's okay, that's necessary.

And, obviously, don't kill yourself. The pain will pass, and you will remain.

Pleasant-Mechanic-49 · 2025-05-26T12:22:27+00:00

⚠️You NEED urgently⚠️ to see a doctor bc if u think abbot suicide, u are at least at Dperession Scale 2 or 3.

Also, Resilience is the ability to adapt & the capacity to absorb and manage difficult emotions. You're going through a tough time, so it's time to add some cushions

Physical

Get your body in shape: lift weights, do cardio You need to be strong, both physically and mentally, to take on the challenges ahead. It is either this or take depression pills. Exercise has been studied as being as good as Prozac
Get a full bloodwork 🩸 before starting to see result a year from now. Add STD check while u are on it...especially if you understand why she left

💪Exercises will help you kill not 2 but 3 birds with one stone:

better physical shape
antidepressant benefits
get back in shape to find a better woman down the line as you are probably out of the Love market for years

Try to eat it clean. Dont expect to feel better if you eat soda/burger to feel better. it is a trap

Mental

See a therapist to work through your emotions.
ASAPP , YOU needto see a doctor. Having suicidal thoughts indicates at least moderate to severe depression, and it should be taken very seriously.
No drug & stay sober: Being intoxicated can be used against you in court, so it's crucial to maintain a clear head. Bear in mind: custody usually defaults to the mother — the father has to FIGHT to earn it so dont start with negative points
Sweet revenge: Are you thinking about revenge ?The best one is living a better life 🙅‍♂️. Get yourself in shape, get a better job, and become a better man. When you will be there crushing it, after all that storm, you'll be the one attracting the attention of younger women. Your ex. will know it & wont like it. Don't ask the logic behind ;)
Your kids: More than ever, they deserve a real father and not an addict & deadbeat dad. . Show them with action not words what it means to be a responsible & strong father.

"Indeed, with hardship comes ease."

Stay strong !

TheHumbleFarmer · 2025-05-26T11:58:33+00:00

I've been there dude it hurts for a long time. Don't worry you got a big group of guys here that can support you always reach out if you ever need anything like emotional support. it's a lot on your mind to try to process what went wrong just don't beat yourself up a lot of the times it has a lot more to do with the females state of mind then necessarily our state of mind so don't think there's something that you can just do to fix this because overall the person is leaving you without any feelings about how you feel so you really need to try to reciprocate that and try to move on. The best advice I've heard is basically this is the time to find yourself again. So often we give up huge parts of our identity to fit with our partners and now is the time to think about what made you you in the beginning. Get back to those old hobbies that you've not been able to enjoy but this is going to take a long time. Don't hit the bottle too hard and try to stay as active and out in the public as much as possible because sitting alone and dwelling doesn't do anything take my advice for that for sure. Good luck brother we are here for you.

Reasonable-Glass-965 · 2025-05-26T11:56:17+00:00

I get it man. Caught my ex of 10 years cheating. She didn’t want to work on anything. Just told me she was glad I finally caught her cause she didn’t know how to leave me. I couldn’t eat for almost 2 months. Lost over 30lbs. Hit the gym hard. Dance lessons every night I didn’t have the kids. Found out women really like me. Found out I can’t even have sex with anyone but my ex without using viagra. And even with Viagra it’s almost impossible for me to orgasm. She left the guy she chested with and found 2 more within a month. Did and became everything she wasn’t while with me.

I’m sitting here alone and know I have the selfish option of accepting that life is over. Or I can keep just focusing on my kids, my business and myself and hope that maybe in time I will heal. For my kids sake I’m working on option 2. But everyday I wish I could take option one and be done. Even had a beautiful woman fall in love with me hard. Gave me everything my ex didn’t. And I couldn’t do it.

All I can say is I wish you luck and hope you stick with option 2 as well. It’s for the kids. And maybe one day we will heal.

let_me_grieve · 2025-05-26T09:24:41+00:00

I was there a couple years back. It still hurts, and there’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about my ex. My advice to you would be to accept that there’s nothing you can do about it and try to focus on your day to day. I know it doesn’t sound like much but mindfulness is your friend here. Take some time off work, get reoriented, and survive.

trade-craft · 2025-05-26T06:05:08+00:00

Really sorry to hear you're experiencing this pain. I can understand your feelings of grief, but you certainly are not worthless. The decision she made doesn't define your worth.

Feel free to drop me a message if you feel like chatting to someone. I know I'm a stranger, and I know it aint much, but I can hear you.

OrdinaryPrimate · 2025-05-26T05:57:29+00:00

Totally understand the feeling man. It's terrible. You feel like you're losing a loved one because you are. I can't sugarcoat how much it sucks and is going to suck for awhile. But you know what? It won't always feel like it does today. I'm 8 months post separation and I'm still sad and I'm still adjusting, but my heart doesn't race when I get a co-parenting text anymore. I can eat without having to remind myself because I have an appetite again. The suicidal ideation has toned down quite a bit. It gets better slowly and don't be so in a rush to move past it that you bury anything. Deal with it all. Feel sad. Mourn the relationship. Focus on self improvement in every aspect of your life and don't even consider dating again until you're done feeling sad about her and comfortable being alone. Let me know if you just need someone to chat with, I'm free to help the best I can.

Thebadmamajama · 2025-05-26T05:52:37+00:00

first thing is to surround yourself with people you can trust. I personally didn't dump on my friends, because it becomes a drag on their lives. close family members or one good friend with their consent to vent your thoughts might be ok.

another technique, start a journal. just write down a few sentences of what's going on in your mind. work your way up to writing two or three pages. get it all down and start sorting through your thoughts. you can shred or burn the journal later. this was greatly helpful to me, and better than any therapist.

get a therapist if you do we'll with those.

above all, you need to invest in yourself and think for the long term - this all works out, it's just not obvious how right now.... pour your energy into sleep, exercise and things that bring you joy. don't let these circumstances cause you to deprive yourself to invest in you.

CaptJaxParo · 2025-05-26T05:40:03+00:00

You have what is called catastrophic thinking. If something bad happens it's literally the end of the world. If you get fired at your worthless if you lose your job you might as well commit suicide if you have a car accident you may as well never drive again. You break your finger, you are finished. Does all this sound about right?

Do you know that there are people who don't think this way. That can say it was a failure and it didn't work out but I'm ready to move on and make the best of things because tomorrow is going to be an awesome day I can rebuild myself meet new people do new things reinvent who I am and go have new adventures that I could never have with the person who is breaking up with me. Do you know that there are people who don't think like you and that you are thinking comes from a childhood of PTSD or trauma. That you're thinking is not correct.

It sounds like you have some reprogramming to do. Until you can figure all of this out know that you must make good decisions everyday and not react out of emotions anger loneliness or whatever things go to the amygdala of your brain. Learn to control your emotions and if you don't know what to say or do, then do nothing. Better to do nothing than do something you can't fix.

Despite your worries you have already made a good decision to go to the gym because emotional regulation is usually done in men with fighting building pushing climbing. Those sort of testosterone things. So you've made a good first step.

Learn what you can take notes because you're going to have to help others here once you pull yourself up out of this dive.

LearnGrowExist · 2025-05-26T05:39:01+00:00

You did lose a loved one, my friend. And you absolutely need to grieve that loss for a while, however long it might take. There is no timeline. There is no playbook. There is only what is right in front of you right now. Make new friends or lean on old ones. Feel everything as it comes. Don’t rush into sex and/or relationships. Get comfortable being completely alone. It doesn’t necessarily get easier, but it does get better. Coming from someone who was in your exact same shoes almost a year ago now, you will survive this, and you will be better off alone. Oh, and when you are ready, get good and honest with yourself about who she really is.

Gen_X_Xoomer · 2025-05-26T05:31:15+00:00

It’ll get better. We all went through this. Time heals all wounds. You’ll move on and find love again. Just don’t put a ring on it.

Josie4321 · 2025-05-26T05:29:08+00:00

I’m truly sorry you’re going through this. The pain of a separation can feel overwhelming, and it’s completely valid to feel lost, betrayed, and heartbroken right now. Divorce is not just the end of a relationship; it’s the end of shared dreams and a life you envisioned together. It’s natural to grieve this loss deeply.

Feeling like you’re drowning in sadness, especially when you have responsibilities like work, exams, and caring for your children, can be incredibly daunting. It’s okay to feel like you’re not okay. You’re not alone in this, even if it feels that way.

You mentioned thoughts of suicide, and I want you to know that your life matters. The pain you’re feeling is intense, but it doesn’t define your worth or your future. Please consider reaching out to a mental health professional or a crisis hotline. In the U.S., you can call or text 988 to connect with the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. They’re available 24/7 to listen and support you.

It’s commendable that you’ve signed up for the gym to help manage your anxiety and depression. Physical activity can be a powerful tool for coping. Remember to be gentle with yourself during this time. Healing isn’t linear, and it’s okay to have ups and downs.

When it comes to talking to your kids, it’s important to reassure them that they are loved and that the divorce is not their fault. Maintaining routines can provide them with a sense of stability.

You are not worthless. You’re a person experiencing profound pain, and reaching out, as you have here, is a courageous step. There is hope, and there are people who care and want to help you through this.

Please take care of yourself, and don’t hesitate to seek the support you deserve.

If you feel comfortable, I can also help you find local support groups or resources in your area. You’re not alone, and there are people who want to support you through this.

DevinB12 · 2025-05-26T05:24:56+00:00

Man, reading that is so much like what I wrote on here 2 1/2 months ago. The feeling of being alone and nobody being there for you. Having to go to work and keep the kids going. I feel for you brother. I can tell you it took about 6 weeks for me to accept it. I told her I would not lose hope that we could stay together until she signed the last document. I still have that hope but everything she has done and said, the way she treats me, the cold indifference, just still strikes me to my core. After that first 6 weeks, I started moving forward. I found a place for myself, my son even helped pick it out. I’ve just pressed forward with life and the realization that I am alone here. All those friends I thought I had…only one or two are supportive. It will get better I promise you. I tell myself that whenever something pops into my head I don’t think about it. Not sure it’s the right way but it has helped. This sub has helped a ton too! You are not alone here!!

Title	How do I live without her
Author	mywash57
Upvotes	17
Comments	35
Date	May 26, 2025 5:14 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1kvmc1p/how_do_i_live_without_her/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-i-live-without-her.1552999 https://theredarchive.com/post/1552999

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