I decided to file for a divorce

F_b_s_40944 · 2023-10-09T04:19:31+00:00

So what you can to fix the relationship.

Unless there is cheating or drug/alcohol use….I’d try again to get back on track. Divorce is nasty and your kids are young. It’s going to hurt like hell when the kids are completely away from you 3-5 days a week.

sicrm · 2023-10-09T04:30:25+00:00

waiting 6 months could be fine, or a mistake.

book a consult with a lawyer if you haven’t already to get clarity and work on an exit plan.

Brilliant-Tomorrow55 · 2023-10-09T09:22:09+00:00

First off, have you done counseling. I ask because before you do this, you need to be 100% sure.

You didn't provide enough detail to give me a sense that it's beyond broken. Sounds like you just had a kid. That is a huge stressor.

If you haven't, seek counseling together and separately. Nothing wrong with taking to a lawyer at the same time though, just to prep.

_vinland_ · 2023-10-09T16:16:56+00:00

She's lost attraction (which is very common after having kids). What I am about to suggest is counter intuitive but I highly recommend you try it before you pull out the divorce card:

Start lifting barbell weights. Hop on a program like Strong Lifts or Starting Strength. You can pack on 20lbs of muscle in 6 months.
Get some nice fitting shirts.
Start talking to other women in public (whether your wife is with you or not). Do not flirt with the women. Just be cordial, polite, and confident, to arouse small talk and conversation.

A woman will be attracted to you if other women are attracted to you. Your goal is to have other women find you attractive such that your wife may stay attracted to you. This will be a lifelong game you are going to have to play

techrmd3 · 2023-10-09T01:55:51+00:00

you filed get divorced

I too thought hey maybe "filing will knock some sense into her"

THAT is not how women think about divorce. They will immediately go into securing remaining meal ticket mode. Which means realizing she has 2 small kids and no man to be meal ticket.

In short she will freak. And maybe "say anything" to get back. Don't take bait.

ontoanewjourney · 2023-10-09T02:23:51+00:00

Make sure you split bank accounts, record everything, get in front of the narrative with family and friends, not lying but just setting the record straight. I would suggest that you use a mediator instead of the courts. Understand that she will be working off emotions and will try to bate you for emotional manipulation and reactions, don't fall for it, keep the talking to a minimum and only about the divorce. Be realistic, you will take a financial, emotional, and mental hit. Financially try to start budgeting for your new reality now, start working on a third of what you make now, this will help lessen the impact later. Emotionally, start working on your friendships because through this process you will lose some of your so called friends, understand and accept that it will happen. You will have doubts that you're doing the right thing, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING, stay vigilant and steadfast in the process. Start working on yourself, reading, working out, etc. Start thinking about what your new normal will look like. You have an opportunity to create the life you want, go out and do it. Don't beat yourself up when you have bad days, slips are normal, find outlets to open up to and share your thoughts and fears . Your kids are very young so they will be able to adapt to the divorce easier than if they were older. Find support groups for divorced dads, keep busy, volunteer, give back to others, this will help you appreciate your situation and realize it could be a lot worse.

Objective-Fan-5464 · 2023-10-09T22:54:51+00:00

I was going to suggest reconciliation then I read your previous post.

I was in a similar situation where I have been contemplating divorce for almost 5 years now. I distinctly remember a point in 2017 where I wrote an email asking for divorce, slept on it, then deleted the draft because we made up.

I figured every marriage has ups and downs and always deferred the decision. We would go to therapy, fix things, then things would go back to the way they were. Then a couple of months ago, I re-evaluated my situation. We were living like roommates. I was shouldering all the financial and household burdens while being abused. This is not how I wanted to live.

So, OP, figure out how you want the rest of your life to go and make a decision to either fix the marriage permanently or go your separate ways. Both paths are extremely difficult.

Good luck!

pk2at · 2023-10-10T01:45:24+00:00

I would suggest some long term financial planning. Get her a better job, give some money to your mom, informal loan to your friend etc. You need to prepare well before filing as family courts are interested only in money and don't care about your children

SII75 · 2023-10-09T02:03:45+00:00

The biggest thing is try and avoid alimony which considering you were only married 4 years should not be an issue but state laws are arcane so double check with your lawyer how much you have to pay and for how long. Based on the income disparity between you two at the current time, you will have to pay child support which some of it will go to fund her lifestyle. Therefore your main priority needs to be to get her to work. If you could demonstrate that she has the income potential when she starts to work that I think you should be golden and not paying child support. All of this is to say that alimony and child support will destroy your life and it’s a form of slavery. Child support makes sense because of the kids is alimony is slavery.

PanYan_Prose · 2023-10-09T12:33:26+00:00

I second the advice of investigating what is broken. Money and raising small children are the 2 biggest stressors on most marriages. It’s probably the hardest part of any marriage especially in the early years. Do you have any family you can ask to help with the kids? Do you spend time together as a couple, e.g. date night etc? You have not provided much detail into ‘what’ is not working with her. Do you talk about how you both feel? Do you argue? Is the intimacy missing?

Before you file you need to be 100% sure that divorce is the only option left. It’s hard, it’s upsetting, no-one gets out without scars especially with small children.

It also sounds like she’s trying to contribute to household finances. If you divorce, she may not be able to work that job depending on daycare costs etc.

You have years of child support/alimony ahead of you based on the age of your children. Think about what your life might be like on half of your income, and half of the time with yours children. The grass is not always greener when trying to date someone else under those circumstances.

Seek counseling. 2 yrs of struggling, with small children, IMO is not unusual for any marriage. I’m saying this from experience of being married to someone who had young children when we met (10 and 8- now grown) paying child support having a child together (now 12) and separation. After 18 mths apart we’re still working on it, counseling, talking, kinda dating again trying to figure out what went wrong. Because the divorce route is even harder.

Be careful of advice from people who suggest divorce is the only option before exhausting ALL options. It’s devastating financially, emotionally and mentally.

Good luck to you.

captainchippsixx · 2023-10-09T02:20:45+00:00

It’s not going to go smoothly. You should have contingency plans for the worst. Attempts to clean out accounts and use credit. Spin narrative to family your an abuser and call the cops and use the courts to take you down.

Title	I decided to file for a divorce
Author	jd385272
Upvotes	24
Comments	29
Date	October 9, 2023 1:18 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/173fhat/i_decided_to_file_for_a_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/i-decided-to-file-for-a-divorce.1234460 https://theredarchive.com/post/1234460

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