IS IT NORMAL

Icy_Discussion_6647 · 2025-04-09T22:34:36+00:00

I stopped thinking about my ex years ago. They aren't thinking about you. Stop.

judasholio · 2025-04-09T22:19:41+00:00

I think it is normal. Personally, I wish I could find a real way to move on. I grew up Catholic, and I’m having a very hard time putting the idea of marriage behind me, and being open to the possibility of a better relationship.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-04-09T21:35:21+00:00

"So far I'm good...married again already.."

Doesn't sound "good". But too late now.

You are still stuck in the early phases of grief. I'm going to guess you got involved with women again early on to distract. You never gave yourself time to heal or grow as a man. Anger typically lasts 12-18 months and then you let go and forgive. Give it another year or so.

You'll also have to accept because you did not get to grow as a man you are replaying your first marriage just with a different person next to you. After the second divorce give yourself a good 2 years before letting another romantic partner into your life.

Dialetic212 · 2025-04-09T20:04:42+00:00

There’s no timeline for healing. You may feel emotionally fine but your brain is still trying to process it. This is actually how we grow and evolve between relationships. Your current partner isn’t getting 100% of you if you’re still processing and getting angry.

blahblahnookie · 2025-04-09T18:32:03+00:00

Thanks for posting this, good subject for me. I’m a month past finalizing my divorce, and the conversation here helps me see what I have yet to do. It’s not fair to your new partner if you’re not prepared to deal with past traumas as reminders of them come up. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, you just have to prepare mentally for the possibility to stay out of the weeds. My focus is to wait about 3 years to heal, get back to the life I want to live then worry about prospective partners at a later date. Dunno if that will work or not but it’s the closest I have come to a solid plan.

roshi-roshi · 2025-04-09T17:33:59+00:00

I ruminate. It’s awful. I don’t want to distract. I want to know what happened. Totally sideswiped. Wife stonewalled leaving me feeling unbearably guilty. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. Been one year.

Bumblebee56990 · 2025-04-09T17:28:16+00:00

Therapy.

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShab · 2025-04-09T16:41:18+00:00

Rumination: A Cycle of Negative Thinking

Rumination involves repetitive thinking or dwelling on negative feelings and distress and their causes and consequences. The repetitive, negative aspect of rumination can contribute to the development of depression or anxiety and can worsen existing conditions.

When a person who is in a depressed mood ruminates, they are more likely to “remember more negative things that happened to them in the past, they interpret situations in their current lives more negatively, and they are more hopeless about the future.”1 The preoccupation with problems also makes it difficult to move beyond to allow for a focus on problem solving. Even in people without depression or anxiety, rumination can contribute to negative emotions. This can become a cycle where the more a person ruminates, the worse they feel, which then contributes to more rumination.

A study in the University of Liverpool in the United Kingdom looked at the connections between a person’s circumstances and past experiences and development of depression and anxiety. Researchers, led by Peter Kinderman, Ph.D., found that the most important way that a person’s past experiences, such as traumatic life events, led to depression or anxiety was “by leading a person to ruminate and blame themselves for the problem.”3 “Depression and anxiety are not simple conditions and there is no single cause,” Kinderman noted in a statement. “Whilst we can’t change a person’s family history or their life experiences, it is possible to help a person to change the way they think and to teach them positive coping strategies that can mitigate and reduce stress levels.”

Here are a few ways mental health professionals suggest you can take steps on your own to help break the cycle of rumination.

Distract yourself with activities that will interrupt the negative thinking and focus on more positive memories.
Try to deliberately recall times when things worked out even with challenges. Enlist the help of family or friends in remembering past positive experiences, times when things turned out well. This can help shift your thinking down a different path.
Physical activity and change in environment, especially to a place that has positive associations for you, can help too.
Try to separate out different problems or break down larger problems into smaller parts. Tackle one issue at a time. Make a step-by-step plan, be as specific as possible. Write it down. Then begin to move forward, taking action one step at a time.

If you are troubled by repetitive negative thinking that is distressful and disruptive, contact a mental health professional. Help is available.

Upbeat_Award_1075 · 2025-04-09T15:36:00+00:00

I think it's totally normal. I think that mentally revisiting past relationships allows us to think about what worked, and what didn't. When we are involved in a relationship or anything very important to us for that matter we tend to miss the forest for the trees. It's also hard to trust on a truly deep level after a divorce. When you go into "anger mode" as you put it and I'm sure a lot of guys would word it that way pay attention to what is happening in that moment and define where it is coming from. I'm going to make a guess here and I might be way off base but from past experience my intuition is screaming that something is happening now, in your current relationship, that was a problem in your past relationship. Triggering you into responding defensively. Putting your guard up to a conscious or subconscious red flag that you let slide before. When the anger mode comes remember to take a breath slow down for a moment and really think... What caused this current state, why you feel the way it made you feel, and really think about how to address it when you do find the cause. And advice for you and every guy out there remember to set boundaries in all relationships you have intimate or otherwise. If you don't do that the only one compromising is you. Good luck and stay strong!

ColdEstablishment172 · 2025-04-09T14:25:29+00:00

You got married again?! I know it's your life but geeze...

LepperMemer · 2025-04-09T13:42:53+00:00

I agree with most everyone else. Start with therapy. Take lessons from the past, but look to the future. Don't dwell on the past.

You have the benefit of a whole new marriage. The future is waiting for you both.

0neMinute · 2025-04-09T12:34:26+00:00

Dude remarried in 3 years? Your still not over the trauma and replaced it with a new toy. Slow things down and see a therapist before you new marriage follows the old patterns.

VeteranEntrepreneurs · 2025-04-09T12:20:12+00:00

Write the thoughts down on paper, then tear it up or burn it. The physical act can be symbolic and powerful for closure. Your present will be consumed with your past if you don’t start removing those thoughts from your past. Create a vision board for your future, the way you dream about your future life and start focusing every day on your future, what it looks like, how you feel, what benefits come from it. This is a neurological way of building your mindset to think about the future which helps you remove the thoughts of your past. My best friend went through a nasty divorce and he did this exact exercise and it’s been 7 years later and he has everything he put on his vision board and has amazing friendship with his ex wife and they co-parent brilliantly.

SelectionNo3078 · 2025-04-09T12:18:43+00:00

Holy crap.

Divorced 3 years and remarried

Good luck with that

And man. You must be an optimist

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-04-09T12:14:59+00:00

Thinking about it is how your brain heals from a traumatic event. You'll replay it over and over again. Eventually the memories will fade.

If they don't fade, maybe see a psychologist and see what's going on.

Title	IS IT NORMAL
Author	Dry-Celebration7870
Upvotes	14
Comments	35
Date	April 9, 2025 12:10 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1jv485r/is_it_normal/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/is-it-normal.1549045 https://theredarchive.com/post/1549045

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