Lessons Learned?

Its_a_stateofmind · 2021-06-09T00:19:46+00:00

Never. Stop. Communicating.

henrysmyagent · 2021-06-09T01:17:27+00:00

Imagine a woman repeatedly hitting your big toe with a hammer.

When you complain, she puts the hammer in your hand, and tells you it is your fault, repeatedly, until you believe it yourself.

Then she demands you apologize for accusing her of hitting you. So you apologize. You think your apology will stop the pain.

But no.

This incident will be brought up, repeatedly, anytime you argue as more evidence against you whether it applies to the present argument or not.

This is why I recommend marriage to every man I hate.

Mountain_Switch_6759 · 2021-06-09T03:21:50+00:00

Don’t ignore the Red Flags no matter how you feel. The signs are always there. We invariably choose to lie to ourselves about how glaringly bad they are, and believe we will be the exception. Just give yourself a good slap across the face when you reach that point.

Throwaway4120213 · 2021-06-09T02:07:46+00:00

Don’t marry someone earning a lot less than you. They inevitably become the life-long SAH because “your salary is enough for the family and mine would just go to childcare anyway.” Don’t let your wife quit a decent job to be a SAH. One way ticket to lifetime alimony because more likely than not - they are NOT going back to work even after the kids are grown.

If a woman says she wants to be a SAH - by all means, keep dating her but take marriage off the table unless you want to end up handing over half your retirements at 45 and paying another 10-15yrs in alimony.

darzamat · 2021-06-09T11:12:59+00:00

I'm 36 and here are my lessons so far about dating:

Never married, NEVER WILL !!
She's not mine, it's just my turn!
Don't care what she says, only what she DOES!
Smart men learn from own mistakes, geniuses learn from mistakes of others.
If you chase women, you lose money, if you chase money you'll never lose women.
Everything you say, she WILL USE against you (later on).
Look at her earings. If she wears hoops, shes a 304. The bigger the hoops ... you get the ideea.
No good deed goes unpunished.
She is happy when she's unhappy.
If she dismisses your concerns, snaps at you, disrespects you, even a little bit, you better believe it's the beggining of the end.

EDIT1: 11. If Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, Kanye West to name a few couldn't keep their wives happy and in the marriage, what chances do the rest of us have ?

EDIT2: 12. Female boredom pushes a woman to do unspeakable things: to the relationship/marriage and to the husband, to hate the husband, to cheat on him, to disrespect and to smear his image. SAHM are the worst !

dday_throwaway3 · 2021-06-09T05:32:49+00:00

I wrote advice to my sons about women, sex, relationships, marriage and fatherhood. Here's the bit about marriage:

Marriage has undergone drastic changes in the last 50 years. What used to be a life-long commitment, unbreakable barring the most severe circumstances, has been relegislated into something entirely new thanks to the lobbying efforts of radical feminists and the divorce industry. In trying to make divorce “fail-safe” for homemaker or lower-earner spouses, the bad ones included, society has made marriage “unsafe” for virtually everyone else.

Marriage was a worthy goal for a man about 50 years ago. Today, not so much. Some things changed in our culture: legalized abortion, no-fault divorce, domestic violence laws and the concept of marital rape. The changes themselves were not wrong, except the principal benefactor of these changes are modern women.

And modern women have a sense of entitlement that is not possible to satisfy. They expect to have it all - and they are being told that they should have it all - that their whim and feelings are most important. Somehow they expect to juggle a marriage, career, parenting and social life with no hassle - and when it doesn't work, the husband is the first to suffer. We live in a world where arguing with your wife is considered emotional abuse, telling her that she is spending too much is being a control freak, and wanting regular sex is misogyny. These same women cannot cook, clean or handle the kids without stressing out, but we men are expected to make it better.

Women are taking advantage of men in every way possible, and the government is enforcing this scrupulous behavior. To sum the current circumstance: women have choices, men have responsibilities. Marriage only benefits women. Men accept all of the risk.

Marriage today has the potential to be the most damaging decision a man can make in his life – it’s a legal extortion scheme. You’re betting a woman half your net worth that you’ll love each other forever. Marriage is handing a woman an axe, then putting your head on a chopping block in the trust that she won’t cut it off. It’s not reciprocal. The modern state of matrimony has become the legal equivalent of gambling. Getting married is like betting half your stuff she won’t cheat on you. No matter what she contributed, or did not contribute to the marriage, half of your stuff is hers. If you are not married, she has no claim on your assets, nor you on hers. That fact alone makes rejecting marriage the smartest financial move a man can make, and lets you avoid career slavery. Marriage used to be a business and social partnership for the accumulation and conservation of wealth and the raising of children. Now marriage is the new retirement pension for modern women, rewarding them for breaking a contract. A woman that won’t take your name in a marriage will gladly take your house in a divorce. You can get the same effect of marriage by selling your house, giving all your money away and have someone castrate you. There is no incentive for men to get married. Society has stacked the deck against men in modern marriage.

HelixFish · 2021-06-09T04:04:50+00:00

Woman are no more perfect than anyone else. Find the flaws you can accept, see if they will work on the others, but do the same in return. Communicate. See what their mother looks like. That will be her in X years. Prenup. If that’s a killer then ask why. Split things evenly, whatever that looks like. If they rely on you too much you may end up resenting it. Try to find someone who’s strengths match your weaknesses, corny, but still good. Make sure the sexual chemistry is good, and reasonably equally matched. If everything is good, but you need sex and she doesn’t (or vv) it will end poorly.

SpiritualEnema · 2021-06-09T05:03:31+00:00

As was said above, effective communication is the key. You have to learn to argue constructively. To quote a very smart man, “If you’ve won a thousand fights with your wife then your still married to someone who has lost a thousand fights with their husband”. It’s a zero sum game, you should try to understand and respect the other person, if reasonably possible.

If you think you might need marriage counseling then you probably needed it two years ago. If your wife balks at marriage counseling; run, don’t walk away. That’s my experience in a nutshell

LutherChode · 2021-06-15T15:27:32+00:00

One word. Don't.

KermieJagger · 2021-06-09T17:21:51+00:00

Don't ever, ever ignore red flags.
Don't get married until you've been together for at least five years and living together for a good part of that.
Don't stay with someone who either won't fight fair or won't ever say they are sorry. In my case, I could never get a word in edgewise and was talked over me constantly. Should have been a sign.
Discuss a prenup if you are coming in with significant assets. Probably a red flag if she isn't at least willing to discuss it.
Don't get married. I just don't see the point anymore.

This goes for both genders. I'll give my daughters the same advice when the time comes.

Phophresh44 · 2021-06-09T19:35:59+00:00

Pay attention to red flags, trust your instincts. Date longer and see how the other party handles bad/uncomfortable situations--see how the react when they are angry. Do they want to build with you or just build themselves.

dudefromyork · 2021-06-09T20:56:32+00:00

If it feels wrong it probably is wrong. Don’t stick with someone you love out of a misplaced sense of duty or honour. You are very unlikely to get the same in return.

LopsidedGazelle2509 · 2021-06-10T00:31:12+00:00

Be honest with your feelings and emotions. Yes, we men have feelings and emotions. An angry woman is an unheard woman. Don’t be a pushover, stand up for yourself.

Heat_in_4 · 2021-06-10T00:48:03+00:00

I want to say don’t take your partner for granted, but that was something I mentioned in my wedding vows and it may have bit me. Yeah, basically just don’t do it. Marriage doesn’t seem to mean much to people these days.

It certainly didn’t mean ANYTHING to my wife and her entire family.

Particular_Band · 2021-06-10T04:09:48+00:00

There’s a lot of angry men on this sub.

The trick is, there is no trick. Humans are imperfect and 2 imperfect things doesn’t make perfection. Things can fail for a host of reasons, sometimes no reason .

Life is a gamble.

Lessons Learned?

Comments

12 is definitely spot on. I know after 20 yrs, I was tired of always having to be "on" for my ex to make sure she was not bored, her career was doing well, etc. Then when I dealt with career burnout for a couple of years she couldn't be bothered to care about how I felt.

Title	Lessons Learned?
Author	Tannhausergate2017
Upvotes	5
Comments	31
Date	June 9, 2021 12:16 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/nvio1s/lessons_learned/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/lessons-learned.816801 https://theredarchive.com/post/816801