Men Please Help!

47omek · 2021-04-28T04:43:54+00:00

Yes, get a divorce ASAP. This woman will ruin your life long-term if you don't. If she's behaving this badly before you have kids together then just think how it will be when she's got that 18-year child support annuity from you locked in. And then you still have to deal with her until the kids are adults. Run!

crappykidforever · 2021-04-28T07:40:18+00:00

Get a divorce ASAP. I wasted additional years of my life with someone similar to your wife.

I have a son with my ex and believe, things just never got better.

sicrm · 2021-04-28T05:41:40+00:00

meet with a lawyer to see what a divorce would look like and consider getting STD, DNA tests to be safe.

also build a support system between friends/family to help you get through this and don’t leave the martial home no matter what she says. try to get her to leave or one of you move into another bedroom/the basement if it comes to that.

it’s better to work on separating now before you get anymore invested

Jameson429 · 2021-04-28T12:16:03+00:00

Ummm not trying to be a dick...... but, c’mon bro!!!!! You listed absolutely NOTHING appealing about ur relationship. You already know the answer to your question. Get yourself out of there before your grave gets any deeper and rebuild your life. Life is a one way trip and you only have one chance at it. Don’t waste it on a cunt who hates you!

oliver_21 · 2021-04-28T11:41:34+00:00

You're not stuck. Come on man you really need to think. Do you want to subject your daughter to seeing you smile on the outside and miserable on the inside? You think she isn't going to know? Kids know.

Becoming the best you will cost you everything. It will be worth it. Don't expect it to be easy.

When I discovered that I too was the prize and I too get to be happy. It was over.

Become the best you.

I will give you a warning though.....if\when you commit to moving on.....everything will change. Her and her lawyers WILL do everything that can to bleed you and make you out to be a horrible husband and father. You should prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

If things were to go smoothly......that would be highly unlikely but a bonus.

One thing is certain......and I would also throw this out there.....do not use the kids as leverage. Do not use them as pawns. At the same time fight like hell for 50\50 custody. You can expect the exact opposite. I'm just telling you to prepare for the absolute worst.

Good luck and feel free to message. Cheers.

jaymo54 · 2021-04-28T13:39:59+00:00

If it were me and I knew what I know now. I would spend 6 months slowly setting aside cash, moving important things to friends and families house and be prepared to the point that when you say you’re done, she could set the house on fire and you’d be fine. Every time you go to the grocery store, buy a gift card. Little stuff adds up and the little stuff will cost you a fortune in legal fees. If it appears you’re just walking away, there’s less to fight about. Also make sure you have documentation of your involvement with your kid. Lots of pictures on social media, selfies etc. because she is going to come for your money, your house, and time with your kid. Play the long game. Trust me

Knave7575 · 2021-04-28T14:48:05+00:00

You want a divorce. Your reasons seem pretty solid. You want to plan this out though, not just get angry and do something foolish. The end goal is 50% parenting time and minimal spousal support (alimony).

If she is not working, encourage her to work. Offer to pay for anything to get her to work. Talk about vacations, a new car for her, something. You cannot successfully divorce a housewife.
If you are not yet doing so, become super involved with the kid. Dentist appointments? That's you. Parent and tot swimming lessons? That had better be you in the water. Daycare? The staff should know you on a first name basis. Dinner? Make sure you are feeding the kid.
Start putting money aside, as much as you can without getting caught. Cash jobs? Tell her you are making less than you really are and pocket the difference. You want to build up a war chest.
NEVER mention a divorce, or threaten a divorce. You don't want to tip her off.
Also, not that you ever should, but any physical violence (including a shove, or grabbing the kid, or stopping her from leaving a room) and you lose everything immediately. Don't be stupid.

A good timeline is about a year. Ideally, you want to wait until the kid is in school which is probably about 2 years from now. You also want to talk to a lawyer BEFORE you say the word divorce to you STBX.

Good luck.

No_more_BPD_2020 · 2021-04-28T04:41:08+00:00

Because I'm seeing some similarities, have you considered r/BPDlovedones? There might be some stories there that ring a bell. My wife hid the symptoms very well before we got married, although I certainly missed red flags that others would have caught.

At the end, I started to hold her in contempt and no sex, seperate bedrooms(she'd wake me up constantly to fight at night or just hug me, but never let me rest), constant fighting, lots of push/pull stuff like she'd start a fight and tell me to get out, then when I was leaving tell me I had to stay, calling me at work to start fights and hang up, paranoia about people stealing mail, germs, people following her, instant changes from hugging me to welcome me home to yelling and cursing, never being wrong, feelings are facts(if she felt it it was true no matter what other evidence there was), blah blah blah, that's just the beginning. Oh and circular arguments that would go for hours and she'd bring up things I thought we'd settled months ago and she wouldn't fight fair, obey boundaries, etc. The household problems, eating out 5-10 times a week or so, is a whole different thing.

I can tell you I went to therapists to get professional opinions because I didn't trust my own judgment after being crushed by her. Eventually I went to 4 or 5 therapists plus other advisors hoping for a road map to success, and never got it.

CensorshipForLosers · 2021-04-28T07:11:32+00:00

Yes, more than enough reason.

Hardrocker1990 · 2021-04-28T14:10:40+00:00

You answered your own question when you said you don’t love her and that you’re not attracted to her. You sound absolutely miserable in this marriage. Despite your daughter, I would get out. You won’t lose your daughter over it. You will get a sense of relief and you can find someone else that you are attracted to and love when you are ready. Get out now before she ruins your life. Also, I would go see a therapist to help you get through the process emotionally. It’s not going to be easy, but I promise you will come out on the other end.

PushinNShovin · 2021-04-28T14:39:22+00:00

Same situation here, man. My wife got pregnant two months into our relationship so I married her out of duty.. big mistake. Found out she was insane. Don't delay until the kid is older. GET OUT NOW. It'll get way worse. Here is what I did and what I would suggest doing:

1) Get a DNA test first. Make sure that kid is yours. I bought one on Amazon that you send off to a lab and it worked. If you see she is not yours, you can alter your plan.

2) Hire a lawyer. Tell him/her you want to pay zero to no alimony/spousal support and maximize your parenting time.

3) STFU. When she realizes it is over, she will try to bait you into fights. Don't let this happen. Be stoic as fuck. Wear headphones to drown our her screaming in another room and only give her short, robotic responses. Engage in conversation only if it is regarding your daughter. RECORD EVERYTHING. Audio is good, video is better.

4) Be Superdad. Others have mentioned this. Document everything.

5) Escape the plantation and live a life of sweet freedom having learned the hard way that marriage can be hell. Select future partners with extreme discretion.

You can recover. Like you said, other guys have had it way worse and stayed for far too long and are either stuck forever or lose it all. You still have a chance!

TokyoGodzilla · 2021-04-28T15:33:54+00:00

If you don't have children, run. If children aren't involved yet then absolutely get a divorce NOW. She's broken and not repairable. There is no changing someone that is damaged from early trauma. Even if you'll lose money in the process, divorce her...

Jagged_Rhythm · 2021-04-28T15:45:42+00:00

You know what you need to do, you'll never be happy in this arrangement. 2 1/2 years is nothing. Accept your responsibilities regarding your child, but get out of that marriage now.

Bipolar_investor · 2021-04-28T20:41:00+00:00

Get the fuck out before she pumps out a couple kids and have you enslaved

DaughterOfBorat · 2021-04-28T16:00:41+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Meatros · 2021-04-28T16:59:09+00:00

My mentality is that once you get married you've made a commitment. That doesn't mean staying together regardless of what happens, but what that means is that you give a genuine effort at staying together. For me that means, at a minimum, Marriage Counseling. You have a kid in the mix as well. So I would definitely give counseling a shot before getting divorced.

(Note: this regards most marital problems, abuse is present then I advocate divorce)

TETHTONE · 2021-04-28T18:33:20+00:00

She will be an even bigger wreck in her 40s. Damaged goods. FLEE!!!

darkhorse1958 · 2021-04-28T18:44:39+00:00

Yes. I lived this nightmare for five years. Saw a lawyer after six months, but still waited five years to divorce her. Would have cost me less health, money, stress, heartache, everything. Just get it over with; trust me, I have asked everyone before I accepted, it will n to get better.

derelictherds · 2021-04-28T19:40:32+00:00

Yes. Talk to a lawyer and find out what you'll be up against then file. Your wife need not know anything about this or your desire to divorce.

Title	Men Please Help!
Author	KVPxMAS
Upvotes	10
Comments	65
Date	April 28, 2021 4:29 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/n06wb9/men_please_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/men-please-help.817163 https://theredarchive.com/post/817163

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