When did you know?

BornBandicoot2515 · 2025-08-06T22:14:20+00:00

It was years of fighting about the same stuff and she didn’t want to do counseling. I was burnt out on all of it. So it was time.

Now, hindsight being 20/20 - I highly encourage anyone to seek help and counseling. It’s worth a shot. Divorce is hard. Single dad life is hard. And I say this as a 45M, father of 2 younger kids. Work is hard. All the things are hard. And dating is not awesome (granted I am picky). This last one is a little surprising bc I think I’m conventionally good looking, have a high paying job, am 6’, funny (and clearly have an abundance of confidence or am just conceited).

So I do preach: try therapy and try to make it work. Divorce is expensive and I’m not sure how green the grass is elsewhere. But I’m also only 6 months into this and hope to be living my best life in a couple years.

eastlibertypj · 2025-08-06T21:19:54+00:00

I knew yesterday. I’ve been asking her to read a relationship book, see a counselor/relationship coach with me, all sorts of let’s-try-this…and I’m the only one making the effort to connect.

Last night I had dinner with the male half of a couple where the wife is one of my wife’s two besties. My buddy’s wife is a therapist. My wife is super enmeshed with her aging and ailing parents because they neglected her as a child. They are dying and she wants to feel the love and appreciation from them she’s never gotten.

They’re never going to give her that validation. I learned last night that My buddy’s wife suggested to my wife that she go to therapy to try to disentangle herself from her parents. My wife declined.

I’ve asked her, she’s said no. Her best friends have asked her, she’s said no.

She’s terrified of being wrong or accountable for anything because she learned as a child that being wrong was not a mistake you could apologize for, but a moral failing to be ashamed of.

Her fear of her demons is greater than her love for me or our son. It’s said that you either face your demons or they raise your children. I’m in therapy to face mine. My wife is content to let hers babysit our son.

I want better for him; it’s time to go.

notconvinced780 · 2025-08-05T19:21:23+00:00

When the boredom/depression and lack of spark in your relationship leads you to say “I don’t want to even try. “, that’s probably a good sign. It means you don’t value the relationship enough to try to fix it. You don’t love her. Let her have a decent shot at finding someone to spend her life with who will love her.

probebeta · 2025-08-05T19:21:10+00:00

When you know you're at the point of no return.

ExpiredPleaseUpdate · 2025-08-05T07:01:35+00:00

I developed a simple formula for myself.

When you know it's not good and you know it will not get better. Then it's time to divorce.

That1TimeN99 · 2025-08-05T04:03:51+00:00

When I realized she had no interest in me anymore and was content to just be roommates

t_odd_ · 2025-08-05T02:42:24+00:00

Wife left last October and still don't think it's the right decision but it's her decision, so gotta move on. Knew it was over over a few weeks ago when after making one last ditch effort to reach her she was responding to me with texts that were obvious chat gpt generated psycho-nonsense. She's been saying all along that her getting to the point of leaving caused something like a light switch to flip off inside of her... Well her responding to my deep sincere communications via chat gpt after 30 years of marriage finally caused that light switch to turn off inside of me too. That said, I could and would flip that switch back on for her, but she obviously can't/won't for me.

Flapique · 2025-08-05T02:18:14+00:00

When a police officer told me I had ten minutes to get my belongings and be out of my house.

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-08-04T23:20:34+00:00

Your marriage is not the reason you are bored and depressed. A divorce is just going to make you even more boring and depressed.

Spark is easy to bring back if you both want to put the effort in. If you truly don't want to try then set your wife free so she can be with a guy who wants to put effort into a relationship.

Odd-Yoghurt1869 · 2025-08-04T21:47:38+00:00

Sorry bro, bored and depressed?! Make it work with your wife!

The ONLY way to EVEN consider divorce is if she out earns you at work. You will be taken to the cleaners. You will lose 50% minimum.

Ashamed_Mountain_400 · 2025-08-04T21:33:41+00:00

Life is too short to be miserable, and if you're bored and depressed, it's worth considering. One way to think about it is if you're able to show up as the best version of yourself for your kids or not with her, or would you be happier with them if you had a separate life, one that was your own?

That was what helped me put it in perspective, and never been happier with my kids than when we're able to spend time separate from what was a toxic environment. Neither of you are doing favors for your kids if you're both bored and miserable.

One day at a time. Also, ask Chat GPT! Very helpful.

Good luck.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2025-08-04T20:03:26+00:00

I am bored and depressed. It’s been this way for way too long. And to be 100% honest, I don’t want to even try.

TRY

Call your dr and get checked out. Talk to a therapist.

You think you're depressed now? Try being bored and depressed in a 1bd apartment, splitting half all your shit, kids/ex hating you for not giving THEM a shot (because you're also breaking up the band here) and losing any mutual fiends, her family, after being asked to move out.

I wasn't given a chance to address anything (with myself, herself, or our lives) when my wife dipped out and its one of the few things I still resent. And if you do talk to someone and get your head on strait and then still want to divorce, go for it, at least you gave it a shot as opposed to just rolling over.

Humble-Grape-5201 · 2025-08-04T19:29:28+00:00

Go to counseling and see if you can work on communicating more effectively.

Maybe it helps heal things, maybe it helps accelerate the decision to leave.

In my case, after 7 months of counseling we had this really great night together and the following day I told her how proud I was that we'd made such a great breakthrough and how I felt loved and heard and like my emotional needs were finally being met.

And she looked at me and said "That was a lot of work for me, you shouldn't expect that again."

I filed papers about 10 days later.

Etnies419 · 2025-08-04T18:49:45+00:00

After I found out she was cheating on me. Still wanted to make it work, and asked if she was still interested in going to counseling. She replied "I'd be willing to go to one session, for closure."

Cancelled the appointment right then and filed for divorce. I knew she was no longer interested in even trying to make it work.

DescriptionOk683 · 2025-08-04T18:46:19+00:00

After couples therapy. If there is nothing left to fix or salvage its time to move on.

Greedy_Temperature33 · 2025-08-04T18:23:40+00:00

For me, it was a really specific moment. I’d been begrudgingly dealing with the constant feeling of disappointment for years. One afternoon, I became absolutely hypnotised by a bee that was caught in a spider web in my conservatory. I watched the spider try, repeatedly, to wrap the bee in its web. I watched the bee struggling against the thread, and I watched their fatal dance play out for about half an hour. The spider was deftly trying to avoid the sting of the bee, the bee was fighting against the trap it had found itself in. After watching this battle play out for 30 minutes, a weird sense of calm and zen came over me. They both tumbled free from the web and scattered in their separate directions, but a voice as clear as is if were right next to me told me what I’d been lying to myself about for years. I just heard, “Leave”.

It was a weird moment of calm and silence and I realised that I didn’t have to fight anymore. I could, if I wanted, just leave.

Title	When did you know?
Author	pts9889
Upvotes	11
Comments	20
Date	August 4, 2025 5:50 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1mhkg5z/when_did_you_know/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/when-did-you-know.1558866 https://theredarchive.com/post/1558866

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TRY