When does the pain stop

derikrich · 2020-12-02T14:33:52+00:00

There is a certain amount of pain that just has to be felt. Feel it, and when you've had enough, exercise or something of the sort hobbies etc. No alcohol or any mind altering substances. Counseling if you have the option. I'm only 4 months in off a 20 year blindsided separation and I've never felt better in my 38 years on this planet yet I still feel pain.

danllo2 · 2020-12-02T12:53:55+00:00

I would say the worst thing to do is to look for external sources and people for meaning or relief.

Primarily, look inward for the answers that you seek. Get into meditation, yoga, etc. Learn a new skill that captures your inner desires and goals.

From your perspectice, people and things are replaceable. You are not. You only have one life to live.

Red_Liner740 · 2020-12-02T14:47:46+00:00

Time. Time heals all. What feels like a huge empty hole in your chest will slowly get filled up and sooner of later you’ll realize it’s not even there anymore. Working out helps a lot.

Anthropologie07 · 2020-12-02T16:16:40+00:00

Get a second job. It will fill up your time and keep you tired and busy and fill up your savings. Money does buy happiness.

SUEDE2BLACK · 2020-12-02T18:18:44+00:00

I guess it's like being in jail for 13 years.Now your free you have a criminal conviction that hurts with finding employment and a place to live but atleast your not in jail.

Look at the positives.If your health is good you have some money and your basic needs are cared for the rest is just icing on the cake.

My go to move for a break up is to make more money and invest in things that make more money so I don't have to work I can do what I want and find enjoyment in.Now you have the time to focus on yourself and your needs.Buy a boat ,buy bit coin buy a motorcycle get a racing license learn to fly learn to program build a house.

This is what I did anyway.Pretty soon you will be so busy improving your self and living in the present the past will just be the past and eventually forgotten.Do you remember every bad thing that happened when you where 9 years old neither do I it's all gone only thing that matters now us my trade strategies for the next opening bell or if it will be to cold to take out the motorcycle or if I get a tare in my sails.

Get out out their and live.

dkblue1 · 2020-12-02T19:27:13+00:00

I joined a divorce group. It helped to hear other people share their grief and even relief. It also allows you to open up while having a set learning agenda throughout that time. In 3 months our group transformed from really down in the dumps to a lot more positive in our grieving process. The pain continued to come in waves until about a year after my divorce. Those painful waves would keep me in bed most of the day or give me no appetite.

I still feel some sadness often but not as strong as before. Like today, I feel a little sad, but mostly for my son having a broken family. I have full custody, and we put up the Christmas tree yesterday. Felt bad we weren't doing that as a "family".

When I imagine trying again with my exW, however, I really don't want to. I really like my freedom now, and it is great not being nagged all the time about things.

dubbbyac · 2020-12-02T22:21:59+00:00

16 years here... I loved her. Still do, but we will never be again. I've accepted that. The pain occasionally lingers but it doesn't affect my current relationship or .

Eventually I found healthy ways to distract myself. Anytime I felt something negative I went to the gym. I lost 80 lbs in a year time. I started looking for a hobby that added value to me and me alone. I started Brazilian jiu jitsu and challenged myself everyday to be better than I ever was. I stayed busy, I found new freinds, started new habits. I started therapy, and even dabbled with anti depressants. Therapy did me loads better then medication.

I started my life over in my early 30s. Im lucky yo have that chance, and I'm grateful I was strong enough too do so... some men aren't. This can literally kill a man.

My biggest mistake was dating, I was such an emotional wreck. I had no business getting "out there". My ex was my one and only and I was looking for her replacement, not for a freindship to grow. I got hooked by a woman who game me any and every reason I needed to tell myself to stay away from her... I didnt.

I seperated in May of 19. Divorce finalized in July of 20. Went almost a year celibate and doing my own thing. It really paid off.

You hear everyone say invest in yourself... it took me a long time to learn what that meant... but when I did.. I learned so much more about myself.

Goodluck and godspeed freind.

dudefromyork · 2020-12-03T10:41:35+00:00

There’s a great support group on Facebook- Dads starting over. I’ve found it immensely helpful. Also a book by Dr. Robert A Glover called “no more mr nice guy”.

Basically you got fecked over mate. The truth is that (whilst people care a bit) nobody really cares about the injustice of what’s happened. I learned rage and self pity aren’t going to get me anywhere. Tough one to get the hang of!

I’d also really recommend seeing a therapist if you aren’t already. Will help you focus on you, not what’s happened to you...

U_feel_Me · 2020-12-02T11:30:57+00:00

Maybe just socialize. Online for now. Men’s support groups can be very helpful.

Jonger1150 · 2020-12-02T13:19:31+00:00

I found a new woman and I'm feeling much better. I'd move on.

I actually did outdoor dining on a cold night to meet her. It was worth it.

ikubyo · 2020-12-02T15:18:52+00:00

Everybody is different so it takes different things and less or more time for each person to heal.

It’s been almost 2 years since my ex left and I’m definitely much better than I was on that fateful day. But I’m not really ready for a serious relationship and I’m still working on getting in shape, on my self generally.

For me, I’ve been really focused on work. I’ve made a couple good buddies and grown my social group. I’ve picked up riding and skiing as hobbies. I’ve been dating as well but made it clear I’m not into a serious relationship for now.

My two cents. Get involved in your life and be a bit selfish. But also take your time and don’t rush. Don’t pressure yourself to change to fast. This is pressure you don’t need right now.

MNCPA · 2020-12-02T18:33:41+00:00

It's like a wave. At first, the waves of pain are large. Over time, the waves get smaller. At some point, it become unrecognizable but never really goes away.

All the best!

Runningoutofbacon · 2020-12-02T22:10:28+00:00

Judging by your description of your marriage, it sounds like you are better off now. It takes some time and you are going to feel lonely.

Check out some videos on stoicism, there's some good concepts that are helpful in your situation. The key is to not let things out of your control bother you, start embracing your new life. Google Memento Mori and Amor Fati.

It's been a year and a few months for me and I feel lonely at times, but it's getting easier... I have to remind myself that being miserable with someone else is still worse than being alone. I try to enjoy life more than when I was married.

annushorriblus2020 · 2020-12-02T19:07:06+00:00

I am so sorry to hear that OP. Some great advice in these comments. Stay strong.

TravellingDivorcee · 2020-12-02T20:34:00+00:00

The pain will stop... won’t go away but it’s your choice and yours alone as to how you react to this shitty situation.... what do you want op? Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking back and feeling this pain? Or do you choose to move forward?... as hard as that is you know already what the answer is... that’s why you posted here.... you are amongst kindred folk who have been through this shit... talk to us, we’ll help. Ultimately though, it’s your call and you that has to do the work to get through this and get to where you deserve to be. You can do it... just choose to take that path. Your call dude.

metzgie1 · 2020-12-02T21:50:00+00:00

Sucks- have a very similar story. I recommend therapy, a little herb, and exercise.

FrozenCheekSlayer · 2020-12-03T09:49:28+00:00

Stop focusing on the things you can’t control but focus on the things you can control. Leave the past in the past. Sometimes we need to let go of the past to build a better future

Mark_Ma_72 · 2020-12-02T15:27:38+00:00

Find a few new hobbies to occupy your extra free time and manage your expectation. Things will turn better soon enough. Believe in yourself, brother!

invalidusehername · 2020-12-03T17:27:23+00:00

start dating other women. Nothing works better than this man!

Mikesgt · 2020-12-08T15:24:42+00:00

I am in almost the same exact situation as you, although mine had been 2 years now. But I still feel very lonely and broken.

Title	When does the pain stop
Author	banguitar
Upvotes	14
Comments	23
Date	December 2, 2020 11:26 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/k57k1g/when_does_the_pain_stop/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/when-does-the-pain-stop.817704 https://theredarchive.com/post/817704

Comments