Why Would I Go Back?

Toss_it_away707 · 2025-05-05T18:56:32+00:00

I followed your posts on HLC and reading this post really verifies what a mistake it would be for you to go back. This woman seems to be very lazy and self centered. What are the chances of that changing? I’d say zero. It’s in your best interests to follow through with the divorce and move on with your life.

Toss_it_away707 · 2025-05-05T18:04:26+00:00

Update me

ConfidenceNo242 · 2025-04-28T15:00:55+00:00

Wretched misery tells me it’s time

ConfidenceNo242 · 2025-04-28T12:58:46+00:00

Depends what’s the divorce going to cost you? If I had to pay life time alimony I’d suck it up.

Naticio · 2025-04-27T19:43:33+00:00

Divorce, sell the house, move to Thailand to get a thai chick, get medical insurance and done

regertsrus · 2025-04-27T12:01:39+00:00

If you leave her now, she wont only get half of your stuff but half your "income" for a very long time

FUMoney · 2025-04-27T04:40:25+00:00

If she would sell our fully paid for house and move just 30 minutes away I could maybe retire now but she 100% refuses. She would rather watch me drop dead from job stress.

Her refusal is irrelevant. You file for divorce. You demand a forced judicial sale of the house. And you split the proceeds according to your jurisdiction's laws concerning the disposal of marital assets.

This happens all the time in divorce court. Selling the house and dividing the proceeds is as common as dirt.

LashkarNaraanji123 · 2025-04-27T04:00:28+00:00

You probably know the obvious, being in banking, talk to a lawyer. And a doctor. Nothing better than a doctors strong recommendation of early retirement. They can word it great with "History of Family Medical Issues" and "High risk of hypertension due to stress and age".

Check with the lawyer and doc note in tow and sell that house and pay her to go away. Rent for a while and wait for the upcoming big housing dip and get someplace nice for yourself that's quiet and relaxing.

It also might be possible to go half time or otherwise once the dust is settled in a less responsible role.

tyyyy110 · 2025-04-26T21:42:59+00:00

Sounds like you should have moved on a long time ago, mate!

clvitte · 2025-04-26T14:57:00+00:00

Move on - be happy

Gattsama · 2025-04-26T13:33:15+00:00

If you want to sell the house then the house will be sold. It's a communal asset. That means you both are entitled to 50% of the equity. So one party either buys the other out or the house has yo be sold. IF you owe spousal support (which you can assume you do), you could also use the equity in lieu of support.

Look, we can't tell you what to do. But I can say this, life is short, and you have the right to pursue choices that are in your best interests. Divorce sucks, and I am in the small percentage of men that filed.

But I have never been more peaceful and stress free. We were never healthy, I worked and she didn't, no kids. It cost me a lot of money (and I owe a ton in support,but it ends May 2026); but I can always make more money. I can't make more time.

When I was younger, I was happy to trade time for money. Now my time, peace and freedom are worth everything. During the year separation and living apart get a feel for what life is like. Go no contact for a few weeks. For me it was little things that told me how toxic we were.

For example, I was on a run. Planned 3mi but felt great and wanted to keep going. Then I got this annoyed dread. I didn't tell her I would be out longer, and I didn't plan correctly. Then I remembered, were are separated. I just keep running, and this huge smile came over me. And I felt just lighter.

My marriage was not helping me live my best life, it was limiting and hurting me. I was carrying all this weight, working like crazy, paying for a 1st class lifestyle, etc. Only to be told what a horrible person I was, how she felt nothing, we had zero happy memories for the entire 17 years together because I ruined everything, everything was my fault, etc...

If you want out, you don't owe anyone an excuse or explanation. Figure out the financials and the law, plan your work, work your plan and execute.

Aside: if money and freedom are issue also look at some of the expat options. That's my ultimate end point. You need steady funds, but for $1500-2000/mo you can have an amazing life in some parts of the world.

henrycatalina · 2025-04-26T13:04:00+00:00

Consider how men get great fulfillment from commitment or a mission. We often enjoy the struggle and being needed. We can be dutiful. This can work against us if our mate has selfish tendencies or has some inherent resentment from childhood obseved behavior.

The more stoic you are to power through stress, the more a mate can hold back positive feedback and give the "not enough" feedback. The only way out is to end all the need for your spouses approval. You make your decisions deliberately. Sweep aside emotion and think through the scenarios. Be clear that you know the consequences of your decisions. Be clear in communication of the downside outcomes and your acceptance.

You have that 30-mile move plan. You understand financial implications. Do not be affected by your soon to be ex-wife's emotional non acceptance of her options. She's got to go through the emotions.

henrycatalina · 2025-04-26T12:42:36+00:00

You would go back because you are being mentally abused by your wife. You need to end the cycle of verbal and emotional abuse. Stop sugar coating your communication with your wife if you are doing this. Give her blunt truths that are clear and do not argue or get into debates. It's time for you to worry about yourself and your health. You have given your wife over a decade to change.

We all have our best qualities and our weaknesses. Some spouses lean into a positive support mode to build up their spouse. They are soft on the criticism of weaknesses and work to help them manage those. But, it's also possible to flip this dynamic to recognize weaknesses as pain points and denigrate strengths. It's a power play that fills emotions. Marriages can slip into this mode, and once in, it is a long process to escape.

THX1138-22 · 2025-04-26T12:23:44+00:00

If you are clear about what you expect from a partner and communicate that to them, if those wishes are reasonable (and the therapist can help you decide that), and she doesn’t do them and yet you still choose to stay, then you are enabling her. In that case, you have to take ownership that you are part of the problem.

Curlygirlrocks32 · 2025-04-26T12:19:46+00:00

The one income does work bc women are so materialistic these days and not willing to compromise and cook. I'm frugal myself, thank god. My husband paid the bills while I went to school and used to care for Mom. I know we have to prepare for retirement. So I am going back into the workforce until the the kids come. We are both in our 30s. Once the kids come, I take a break or work part-time until school. Try Jesus, getting some hands lay on, and show her the bible, which says men are head of household and respect you. She needs to sell the house. My parents didn't plan for retirement, and my mom had a major stroke young early 50s and was disabled. My dad has cancer. They always stress about money. Your wife and you don't want to be in that position. Show her this post.

RespectInevitable479 · 2025-04-26T12:18:10+00:00

Yes you would be a moron if you went back

Grafixx5 · 2025-04-26T12:11:44+00:00

I wouldn’t honestly. I’m going through a divorce now and looking back at it all, I’ve replayed just about everything and all I seem to see is bs and lies. Mine is / was like yours. I did it all… cook, clean, take care of the kids and it’s rewarding for me but it drains me like nothing because I thought that the marriage was to be a partnership and it wasn’t and hasn’t been. But everything is my fault, I had to change, I was the problem, etc etc… I hope she finds her happiness with someone else but I won’t go back, even if she came back which I’m sure she won’t, but I can’t do it to myself or my children.

fewdo · 2025-04-26T12:04:46+00:00

It's normal for your desire for divorce to fluctuate up and down. In order to get through this, you need to decide and stick to it. You have a list of reasons to come back to.

Title	Why Would I Go Back?
Author	LonelyNC123
Upvotes	29
Comments	36
Date	April 26, 2025 11:56 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1k8b916/why_would_i_go_back/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/why-would-i-go-back.1550679 https://theredarchive.com/post/1550679

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