Advice for a guy with OCD on cold approach & dating

mikey_weasel · 2023-09-04T14:44:04+00:00

What exactly do you mean by a "cold approach"?

To me it means approaching someone who is effectively a stranger in a public setting (like a train station) and I generally think of it as one of the most difficult ways to date.

Personally I find comments like this one that could be called "social vetting" generally a better idea. Expand your social circle such that you meet someone who isn't a total stranger and you are in a much "warmer" situation

SweelFor- · 2023-09-04T15:41:50+00:00

I also have no idea on how to meet women besides cold approach.

I recommend the way that probably starts 90% of IRL relationships: through your social circles

RedPillDetox · 2023-09-04T15:52:23+00:00

If anything the fact that you had success cold approaching would be in itself an indication that you can still have success in the fututre, even if sporadic. I don't know how anyone would approach hundreds of women and from a probabilistic point of view don't get someone to like you unless you're just THAT unattractive or something

bluemagex2517 · 2023-09-04T16:59:20+00:00

The vast majority of people meet their partners through regular old networking. That is to say that they are introduced to their eventual partner through friends, family, or mutual acquaintances. In some cases these are set-ups, where those friends, family members, or acquaintances introduce two people because they want them to get together, but most of the time it is not. Most of the time, it's just random chance, not intention. In some cases it's a mutual friend of a mutual friend. To give an example: you go to a party with your friend Mike. Mike's friend, Jenna, brings her friend, Ashley. You and Ashley are introduced, and happen to hit it off. Ashley wasn't Mike's friend, she was Mike's friend's friend, and neither Mike nor Jenna had any intention of setting you two up.

People sometimes meet outside of networks of friends, family, and acquaintances. For instance cold approaches, meeting randomly at a bar and striking up a conversation, or online dating, etc. But, it's just a brute fact that most people meet their partners through networking. This is part of the reason that most people match with people with similar backgrounds and social/wealth classes.

You can try to go outside of networking with cold approaches or online dating, but most of those methods are a total crap shoot.

The other method. The one that I always suggest is to improve your networking. Not in some stilted business networking way. No. It's much more simple than that. Go out and make more friends and acquaintances. The larger your social circle is, the more likely you are to be introduced to someone with mutual interest. The more you make friends, the better your social skills become, so you'll be better at communicating the things that people might be interested in, and the better you'll be at seeing what your interested in. This includes strengthening older friendships and relationships with family members (the ones you actually like).

The best part is that even if you were to never find another romantic partner, at least you'll have a healthy thriving network of friends and acquaintances. If you stick with cold approaching or online dating, and don't find anyone that way, you'll be left with nothing but wasted time.

Revolutionary_Law793 · 2023-09-04T17:22:04+00:00

When someone cold approaches me, I am usually terrified.

Exis007 · 2023-09-04T18:28:52+00:00

I guess the thing I'd have to say is more about the bigger picture of building a life. You're dealing with components of that, but I think you have to zoom out a little. It sounds like you're on a path to manage your OCD, and while it might be kind of stalled out now, at least you have the tools to keep trying things until you get whatever the right combo is for what you're up against. And, hey, you've had some success cold approaching which is great. But when you lose a relationship, and everyone loses relationships, it feels like you're taking it as back to square one. And I wonder, because it feels relevant, what else you have in your life.

I've been married for seven years, with my partner for a lot longer than that, and if he got abducted by aliens that would be, well, horrible. But I have other things. I have my family, I have my neighborhood, I have a lot of friends, I have places I go and people I see and I would have a lot of support and help. I have a lot more than him in my life. And I could put more in my life if I wanted to. I have a toddler, so my social life is pretty sparse right no compared to other eras, but there were times I did a lot more, had a lot more people in my day-to-day existence. And I wonder what your life looks like in terms of the people populating it.

You say you can't fathom meeting women through hobbies and groups because you wouldn't know what to do and say. Are you meeting...anyone that way? Not even necessarily single women you find attractive, but just people you like and enjoy spending time with. Because I am wondering if this overwhelming fear that you might be alone for large swaths of your life and this kind of bafflement at the idea of meeting people through your social avenues hints that your life might just be kind of empty outside of romantic relationships. It would certainly underscore a fear that without a partner, you'd be really alone. And it really compounds anxiety as to how you're ever going to meet anyone else to date, because if you have no social life that's putting you in contact with new people that are curated to your interests, your personality so to speak, then yeah...hitting up randos on the street somewhere is very much an ugly-looking numbers game. The odds are not in your favor. But, apparently more in your favor than a lot of people because you're personable and charming enough to see some success. Which bodes well! But still doesn't make the prospect of finding romantic partners all that optimistic.

And so I wonder if there's not a solution here in changing the goal a little. Make it less about "I will find a single woman to date me" and more about building a social life. With a dual purpose. First, to shore yourself up against the chaos of romance, because getting a girlfriend is the first step in losing a girlfriend. As Dan Savage says, all relationships fail until one doesn't. Having a social life that nurtures you and makes you feel connected and integrated in the world is a potent antidote to the fear that you might get unlucky and not find someone to date and therefore be alone. Because, dating or not, you're not as alone when you have a world full of people. But secondly, it also opens up dating opportunities. And it keeps those opportunities open. When a romantic relationship ends, you are still going to have those friendships, those hobbies, those opportunities to go out and meet new people and so you're not back at square one. The end of a relationship is not wiping the slate clean but a chance to reinvest in your other social avenues and keep meeting new people once you're healed and ready to date again. Being single is a lot less scary when you have a wide set of avenues in your back pocket for where you might indeed meet cool people who'd want to go and get a cup of coffee. It doesn't feel so dire.

So, I suppose that's more of a question than an answer, huh? What does EVERYTHING else in your life look like? Not your love life, your bigger and broader social life. What's going on there?

Sinethial · 2023-09-04T19:41:10+00:00

With the OCD stay away from meds as ti developed memory loss and other neurological issues and it crippled my sex drive. Everyone is different.

My exgf and I got great results with hypnotherapy from a certified hypnotherapist. Anxiety is caused by parts of the brain that are controllable by suggestions which hypnosis addresses. I was able to quit drinking and gain confidence.

I wish you the best of luck as it's not a pleasant thing to have. But controling the root in fears and confidence was key for myself

eatfleshdrinkblood · 2023-09-05T03:49:23+00:00

I personally have and never will do a cold approach, I have OCD as well and getting a girlfriend seems really hard. The advice I have been told the most is try to get into a sociopath circle is the best way to meet women.

FindTheMiddleGround · 2023-09-05T00:46:16+00:00

I really wouldn't advise cold approaching and or other PUA tactics at least in the states. Its different culture by culture however. Im hispanic and have traveled to Argentina (My home country other than the US) and other South American countries and have had success and women were more open to it. however in the US, not so much really its not that common.

You may ask: "Cold approach doesn't really work and dating apps dont work either so what do you do" My advise would be to travel. Go places that interest you. Go sight seeing. Go to festivals and events. Go try food. Go to historical monuments or places. Meeting women will come easy

luridlurker · 2023-09-04T16:49:00+00:00

Do you have a good circle of friends? Do you have women friends?

XhaLaLa · 2023-09-05T11:43:43+00:00

Hi! It sort of looks like you’re reassurance-seeking here more than anything, which is both completely common and understandable with OCD, and ultimately not very helpful for it. It’s counterintuitive, but while getting that reassurance can help quiet the distressing thoughts temporarily, in the long-term it strengthens them and increases their frequency. The more practiced you become at sitting in the discomfort (let’s be real, agony sometimes) of uncertainty, the easier and less agonizing it becomes, even though it never actually goes away.

Of course, that is something to practice under the guidance of your therapist, who can also help you develop coping strategies to make that easier to do. Is your therapist someone who is specifically trained to work with people who have OCD? If so, you might consider leaning into their expertise, because managing your OCD could really open your life up. If not, it might be worth seeking a specialist.

I also have OCD, and it’s hard. And there are effective tools out there for managing it. It doesn’t go away, but it can stop owning so much of your life.

Good luck!

Title	Advice for a guy with OCD on cold approach & dating
Author	HistoricalMuscle2
Upvotes	5
Comments	27
Date	September 4, 2023 2:10 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/169t0xd/advice_for_a_guy_with_ocd_on_cold_approach_dating/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/advice-for-a-guy-with-ocd-on-cold-approach-dating.1231079 https://theredarchive.com/post/1231079

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