Be Less Agreeable to Scare Abusive Men Away

Maisiebr · 2020-01-24T09:05:06+00:00

This is good advice, and we should repel those we can, however I just want to add that they can seek out powerful women too, it is often a more thrilling experience for them to control and bring down someone like that. It is heartbreaking, but we never truly are safe. I read countless books, I experienced abuse myself but there might be a man who performs so well, that I won't know. If I remember right, there was a comment somewhere here or in GC where a woman explains how her marriage was lovely up until the point when she had to rely financially on her husband, then his narcissistic traits emerged.

circescircus · 2020-01-24T10:03:45+00:00

Yes!

This is true on multiple levels.

When you're walking on the street, and you walk confidently, with good posture, having resting bitch face-- you're far less likely to be a target than if you were walking meekly, with hunched shoulders, looking nervous or doubtful of yourself.

If you go on a date, and you show your date that you aren't a pushover-- you'll be disqualified as a candidate for his next victim. However, he might not be immediately turned off-- he might try to put you in your place, he might try to be charming and/or get you to drink so you lose your inhibitions and sleep with him. This is why it's important to not drink on dates and to take your sweet ass time getting intimate with men. You have no idea what these men really think or feel about you. It takes time, to know what they really think/feel.

Being less agreeable also helps ward off parasitic "male friends", unwanted attention from creepy older men, it helps protect you on dates, on the street, and in relationships also.

Girls and young women are trained to be the exact opposite-- to be agreeable, nice. They think this will save them. It won't. Predators target people who they think are weak.

This mentality has even seeped into self-defense... they teach you to not escalate the situation, to run away, etc. As if the victim has control of the situation and can choose to de-escalate it by clicking her heels together. As if it's impossible for a man to run faster than you. As if armed attackers or multiple attackers aren't a thing. What they teach you in these classes is a joke. When you're in that situation, you don't know if you will freeze, you might not be able to scream. Your attacker may be armed, there might be multiple armed attackers. You might not know they are armed, because they may be hiding their weapon. On top of this, the most vehemently anti-gun people I know are women, but I can't think of any man who needs a gun more than a woman. I'm not advocating gun ownership and I have mixed feelings about that debate-- but the truth is, no self-defense class is a substitute for a gun. I know so many women who even demonize having a knife/any weapon in general. And I've been to self-defense classes, that basically taught women to not escalate the situation, run away and they added some BS moves to make the women in the class feel more confident and like they are actually doing something. They don't teach you how to physically dominate or control a person who might be twice your size, they don't teach you how to disarm a much bigger person, how to get away from multiple attackers, etc. I found it all really patronizing and a huge waste of my time/money.

I'm really grateful for one of my aunts, who taught me real self-defense. We went shopping together for a knife, and she told me that if I'm ever attacked, to stab the guy in one of his pressure points. She said, if you stab him in the leg and you don't hit an artery or you don't stab him deep enough, he's going to run after you if he isn't totally shocked that you fought back. She said, stab him to immobilize him, so he's on the floor. That if he dies in the process, that's his own fault for attacking you. And my aunt has personal experience stabbing a guy. When she was younger, a group of men tried to force her into a car when she was walking home from work. She stabbed one of them in the thigh and ran away. She told me that she was able to run away, because the men were cowards and were shocked that she fought back.

I know my post is long and I ranted about self-defense, but this whole "be agreeable" thing goes a lot farther and deeper than resting bitch face, trying to avoid abusive men on dates by being less agreeable, etc.

jojosbabymoms · 2020-01-24T09:23:14+00:00

The best compliment i ever received was that I’m scary; it’s good to know a guy knows to fear you when you’re mad idk why it flatters me so much. I was getting ready to get undressed at work yesterday and my manager’s boyfriend was sitting with his back turned playing SMASH. i told him to not turn around and he said “oh don’t worry you terrify me i know what’ll happen if i do, i have respect for you either way though”

LlamaButInPajamas · 2020-01-24T09:45:14+00:00

This, literally. I’ve started wearing strong framed glasses so as to look less approachable (curse of the soft face). And it’s fking annoying to have to wear glasses all the damn time when I’m out and about, but it’s reduced me being approached by randos by a factor of 15.

Fitncurly · 2020-01-24T15:39:22+00:00

Hell yes, this works on all levels, which is also why so many men rail against older women—older women take no shit and have no time for bullshit. I’ve loved blossoming my inner she-devil, well honed through crazy life events and mean streets. I’ve been told I’m “intimidating”, lol, I’m tiny, but I walk and look like I’m not to be fucked with. The people who tried to break me down only fed a monster. It’s awesome, because I will never be a victim again. I love older women more and more as I realize that so many are survivors of so much, and are so badass.

greenappletw · 2020-01-24T09:35:24+00:00

This is true, that's when their inability to respect you and your boundaries starts to show.

Doesn't even need to be confrontational or aggressive. Just have your own opinions and don't agree to every suggestion for the sake of being nice.

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-01-24T17:28:36+00:00

This is true, but some men will seek out "strong-willed" women so they can break her down. It's like a sick "accomplishment." I think it was Lundy Bancroft who talked about this

2020-01-24T20:08:57+00:00

If you have a backbone, this is when you'll see low value men running away quickly saying "I'm not ready/looking for anything serious". That's the part where you don't chase after them or you are fucked. It's actually a compliment if he gets skittish and tells you he's "not ready for a relationship". If you had dated this man he would have been a shitty partner

7_0f_9 · 2020-01-24T21:30:20+00:00

This one time i met a pua on tinder.

Immediate red flags: 1) asked to meet that night and was rushing me, 2) purposely gave me a wrong location and wanted to see if i would go to him after showing up at the wrong place. I agreed because I'm nice and didn't realize it was a weird tactic to see how easy i was to manipulate. He lived right around the corner so there's no excuse for him to give me a wrong location, 3) they won't even meet you half way (see above). He wanted me to come to him. Either make him meet you half way or ALL the way. No exceptions. If he can't make a trip for you that's 15 minutes away why would you want to bother with him? Ask the guy what area he lives in so you'll know he's not trying to dupe you.

Those are good first date red flags that you can immediately next on.

2020-01-24T20:06:40+00:00

I agree! I am super assertive (not aggressive) and it terrifies them. One guy tried to do the "aloof"thing and I said "hey I'm getting mixed messages from you (I knew what was up but still). If you're not that interested, that's cool, but tell me what you feel". This was a year ago before I found fds type material

He was all "ohh I think you are great and beautiful and I want to get to know you"and then wouldn't text for a few days or want to see me more than once a fortnight. I kept bringing it up (honestly could have just blocked him but I didn't know). And he ran off! Instead of just giving me a straight answer, I had to pry it out of him. If I had just been "cool" girl and didn't want to "mess it up" we would probably still be in some half ass non relationship. That's like going to the ice cream store and throwing your cone on the ground repeatedly and staring at the cashier instead of just ordering a new one. If the cashier just stand there, it could go on forever. If she said "dude stop, order or get out"it wraps it up quick

This same guy commented multiple times that I had a "dominant"personality. When asked what this meant, he said "you say exactly what's on your mind and you are confident"

He would give me bulging eyeballs when he said this and he said it twice. "Dominant" bitch wtf and this was before I ever asked him anything.

woiashenseea · 2020-01-25T01:32:41+00:00

YES YES YES

I have STOPPED being "friendly" in the past month and WOW my life has become drastically more peaceful

It does actually intimidate them

me-but-better · 2020-01-24T15:54:48+00:00

While I agree with the sentiment you can be agreeable and have a back bone

2020-01-24T17:14:43+00:00

[removed]

Title	Be Less Agreeable to Scare Abusive Men Away
Author	skystar86
Upvotes	265
Comments	47
Date	January 24, 2020 8:37 AM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/et7oje/be_less_agreeable_to_scare_abusive_men_away/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/be-less-agreeable-to-scare-abusive-men-away.684135 https://theredarchive.com/post/684135

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