Do older ( 40+ ) HVM exist? And how do I find them?

candyfox84 · 2021-12-24T20:11:15+00:00

I ask myself this same question. I’m about to turn 37 and recently got out of a three year relationship where we were engaged. I am not in the most positive mindset right now because this felt like a Hail Mary, after so many years of trying to find the right partner and it still failed me.

But, like most comments here, I’m just focusing on my own happiness and well-being. It’s been amazing to find FDS at this juncture, so validating.

I did recently meet a seemingly HVM who was widowed, late 40s-ish but all he talked about was his late wife. Not exactly a great pick up strategy (not to be mean but I don’t want to live in anyone’s shadow or be a bang maid therapist).

I am focusing on work and leveling up but mostly get satisfaction from my female relationships & work colleagues who are pleasant to forge bonds with.

Madholley · 2021-12-24T18:27:35+00:00

First, congrats on finalizing divorce! Second, I know this gets said a lot on this sub, but it's true: HVM at all ages exist. The most important thing is to be healthy, happy, and confident- and to enjoy living your life as a single woman. The reason for this is simple. ONLY by loving yourself and your own life so much, are you in a position to truly vet men as HVM v LVM whether or not they "add lots of value" to your life. If you just want sex/companionship, a LVM will add value to your life, because you don't value yourself enough as a single woman. Only a woman who is truly content by herself, can recognize and appreciate a HVM- and immediately block and delete anyone else.

Honestly, with you just finalizing a divorce from a long marriage, you shouldn't be thinking about dating. Focus on yourself. Figure out what it is a man would truly add to your life- and then do it for yourself. Saying things like you want someone who worked at marriage but don't want to deal with an ex wife tells me you are not ready to be thinking about what value a man could add. You survived something. Give yourself time to heal. And live your best life. You'll know you are ready to date again when your high standards DON'T make you feel "hopeless" but instead make you feel empowered- because your life is so good, that only the right man could make it better. That's FDS.

purasangria · 2021-12-24T19:21:43+00:00

You may get lucky and find one, but most men in their 40s and 50s who are not married, you know why when you meet them face to face or date them for any length of time. Most are fat, gross, and completely undateable, and the ones that are decent looking are total players who will not commit to anything.

I've completely left it over to Jesus and am enjoying myself either alone or with my other single girlfriends who are likewise unimpressed with single men our age. Get comfortable being single, sis, because it's likely you won't meet someone who is even remotely close to your standards.

melympia · 2021-12-24T20:11:57+00:00

I'm in a similar situation, and I honestly don't really care if I "find" someone or not. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. Either one is fine by me. I'm pretty happy with the way things are for me, and am working on getting even happier. And I seriously don't need anyone pulling me down.

Elena1684 · 2021-12-24T19:46:19+00:00

Of course there is hope but first you need to get out of a scarcity mindset which starts from being happy alone. You just got out of likely an awful marriage so why the rush to partner back up?

I’m going through a divorce after 28 years of marriage and I’ve been living on my own for almost 3 years now. At first I felt like you but I’m over it now. I’ll probably date again but not until I’m happy.

Platipus6 · 2021-12-24T22:19:52+00:00

They all seem to be divorced (for good reason) with kids under 20.

Or long-term playas with no relationship skills.

Or long term professionals with minimal relationship skills.

I'm childfree, I don't want to raise a 40 year old man.

katiekat0214 · 2021-12-24T19:22:50+00:00

Widowed 2016, divorced 90s, was married 25 years. Haven't dated anyone new in about 30 years. I'm also wondering the same thing as you, but like these other queens have said, I'm VERY okay living on my own the rest of my life. After all, a man wouldn't be competing with any other man; he'd be competing with my love of solitude, peace and quiet, my independence.

I won't marry a third time; I won't live with anyone again. Living apart together, separate finances all the way. I'm looking for companionship, someone to go to dinner with, see movies, travel with, who's monogamous, devoted, and like me, an introvert who needs his own space. I'm looking for a man who's already a fully functioning adult, who has his own life, his own house, his own money, his own hobbies and interests, so that when we do find each other, we're not two "halves" searching for another half-human, we're two fully-realized adults who both fit into each other's lives and expand each other's lives.

As far as kids goes, it's likely there's an ex-wife and/or kids, but living apart would mitigate most hard feelings from kids when dad starts to date again. Telling them up front, I'll never replace your mother and I'll never try to. We are not going to marry; we are going to keep separate houses. I'd talk to him and make sure we're on the same path in that family of origin always comes first, and we also prioritize each other. I would expect, for example, around the holidays, for him to spend time with his kids first, then we get together that afternoon or that night and do something. Works for me, and everyone decides how they want things to go.

Wishing you and me both good luck in our journeys forward and onward. Keep well.

lansburysoda · 2021-12-24T19:33:00+00:00

Yes, they exist. I personally know an amazing, successful, older divorced man in his 50s with children who divorced his wife after years of her emotional abuse. I’m not sure who decided on the divorce, but LVW definitely do exist. He’s such a kind person and his ex wife was cruel to him. He found a similarly successful woman around his own age who is also divorced with kids and after a few years of dating, they’re engaged. He put on an entire concert banquet just to propose to her. So yes, they do exist. They are probably hard to find though.

Frogspocket · 2021-12-24T22:28:24+00:00

Of course!!!!!!!! Think if it this way: you exist 🤷🏼‍♀️ so why wouldn't a male counterpart exist to match you? It sounds like you have hesitation about divorced men? But imo divorce has a really silly stigma that shouldn't even exist. The divorce rate is high. And there are all kinds of reasons for divorce. HVM may have gotten married young and they or their spouse changed drastically over the years. Or maybe their spouse became an addict. Or was abusive. Or cheated. (LVW exist in droves). Or maybe they discovered their sexuality late in life. Or whatever. There are all kinds of good reasons for divorce and high value people do end up divorced sometimes. I think never married men your age are waaaaaaaaay riskier and red flagy.

Emergency-Feed8216 · 2021-12-27T07:06:00+00:00

I might suggest dating 7-8 years younger since this is the average gap in life expectancy between men and women.

FDS-MAGICA · 2021-12-25T00:13:17+00:00

No, men are garbage. Yeah, it's tough to find single guys my age who aren't broke or divorced or looking for a mommy for their kids or a bangmaid. Now that I'm getting close to 40 it's clearer to me now than ever if that a man doesn't have his shit together by 40, he never will. But I'm happy that I didn't meet these guys at a younger age and ruin my life alongside them.

onceuponasea · 2021-12-24T19:28:13+00:00

Only HVM I see over the age of 40 is Jason Wilson.

thewetdog_ · 2021-12-27T11:59:54+00:00

I am 35 and I don’t date divorced men. At this point I am severely put off by men who had a whole wife (or worse a whole family) and blew it. It’s my personal prejudice to blame the man fully. I don’t give men the benefit of the doubt.

Every single divorced woman I’ve men since I was a child, has been a normal lady. At least in appearances. Nice, attractive, with it.

But with divorced men, you can pretty quickly see why their wives left him. The nutty or arrogance or incompetence is obvious.

I met one well adjusted man who had actually been from the more religious part of my community so he married young (wife and him both 22) and it seems like they genuinely grew apart. I’ve met her too. They dated for 3 months before marrying and were married for 15 years. He put her through school while they separated so she would be okay splitting up in their 30s.

But I don’t think a man who had his pick of women, married at 32, with nobody putting a gun to his head and still messed it up is a good prospect.

Sorry for the discouraging words. But I would not convince myself into most divorced men are my options. Don’t let yourself believe you want another woman’s reject - if you find a great divorced guy then cool, but don’t start out thinking another woman’s trash is going to be your treasure.

Title	Do older ( 40+ ) HVM exist? And how do I find them?
Author	IrishMoxie
Upvotes	147
Comments	17
Date	December 24, 2021 1:17 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/rnm5re/do_older_40_hvm_exist_and_how_do_i_find_them/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/do-older-40-hvm-exist-and-how-do-i-find-them.1090861 https://theredarchive.com/post/1090861

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