Early twenties here. FDS opens your eyes to patriarchal conditioning.

Men don't want you to trust your emotions or have boundaries because it makes them unable to manipulate and abuse you.

MEN DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK

  1. I vaguely remember the words, but my mother recently recalled the event and confirmed that yes, I did say it to my father : "That is what a father should be like." This was when I was around 5-7. And it was in relation to me observing how my father's friend "X" treated his own daughters: with love, warmth, and compassion.

A child can sense when they are not loved. A woman does as well.

A child can sense when they are fake loved. A woman can as well.

A child can tell they are not loved enough. Us women can as well

I dare say, a child is highly attuned to their emotional self and can accurately feel and understand the emotional availabily of others and the amount of emotional feedback they are getting. We can as well.

What I think a child cannot do properly at that age is "analyse" it and connect the events in a more conscious "complex" manner. It happens unconsiously, which translates to emotions when we are children. When we are grown up, we can analyse. And what is an LV's/NV's/ZV's greatest enemy? A woman who begins to think.

What stops us from trusting our emotions and instincts is patriarchal conditioning: we are hysterical, emotional, weak, "don't be like a child", "no man will want you if you do xyz", " cry baby" , "grumpy hag", "men don't like emotional women" , "don't think too much about it", "just go with the flow"

If child me knew that she deserved love and compassion, what made adult me think she deserved less?

  1. Obviously, my father took offense to that statement. I was a child. He held a grudge. Also repeatedly mentioned that why don't I go have "X" as my father. Instead of analysing his own behaviour- a GROWN man with a decade age gap from my mum, and find out why his own child felt a lack of love, he decides to ... punish me with his cold behaviour. Result? I got anxiously attached (and later avoidantly attached). I can say it with confidence because I vividly remember the insistent anxious urge to please him, to make him love me, to prove that I am worthy of his love, to idolise him, to think that he is the best father in the world.

  2. Concurrent with all the above, I was aware that my father was abusive to my mother. Men think that children won't see and understand, but we do. I was and still am acutely aware of how my father was, in my child's mind "not good" to my mother.

How a man treats his wife affects how a man treats their daughter(s)

Women, no father is better than an abusive father. Whether it's emotional, financial, and/or physical abuse. No man is better than an abusive man. Being single is better than having a bf/being married

  1. Forgiveness. I never will forgive. And it's okay to never forgive. Fathers are meant to protect their children. Men know how dangerous other men are. Fortunately or unfortunately, at that young age I realised that men love other men, he will love and believe and trust his other friend "Y" more than me... because men are right And as a child I sensed it, and so I never revealed it. It still haunts me, and I get an immense sense of satisfaction, emotional justice and joy when I hear about Y's misfortunes from the grapevine.

Leave. It doesn't get better. It never gets better. You will develop even more painful scars.

Healing takes a while. It can feel like you are stuck in a contant wave and then there is a sudden flick of a switch. You may never forgive your abuser, and it's 100% valid. Instead of forgiveness, decenter men from your life and see them for who they truly are. Forgive yourself from doubting yourself.

We are conditioned to not reveal men's bad behaviour towards us. So when you hear a negative account of a man from your vetted friends, believe them (HV men will also hint at an LV man's behaviour, however beware it might also be an LVM posing as an HVM to gain your favour)

If it wasn't for FDS, I would still have been grappling with forgiveness. Religious leaders love to preach about forgiving the man, their entitlement to it, and their superiority to women hence expectations of women's submission to them. Men choose to forgive, women are TOLD to forgive.

For years I couldn't forgive, and it just made me more angry, more hateful towards my abusers, and inexplicably more angry at myself - I was at war with myself because I was betraying my emotions, and minimising my hurt.

For years I was stuck in a wave of emotions, of perpetual anger and hatred, an inability to forgive my abusers, but now as I am writing all this down, I felt the flick of a switch. I forgive myself.

  • My emotions are valid.
  • My anger is valid.
  • I don't need or should or have to forgive.
  • I am entitled to never forgive.
  • Men are not entitled to my forgiveness
  • My experiences are valid
  • I am not alone
  • I am not imagining things nor am I hysterical
  • I have the right to feel angry and to never forgive abusers

And that finally makes me feel at peace with myself. It's draining. It's relieving.

I believe good men exist. But there are more LV, ZV and NV men than HV men. What men don't like is boundaries because then they can't manipulate you and abuse you

Edited for grammar mistakes, clarity and formatting.