Financial Abuse

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djfrankenjuice · 2021-08-22T04:53:08+00:00

Thank you for this! Financial abuse is not discussed nearly enough.

Pornruinedsociety · 2021-08-22T08:10:32+00:00

The if you leave, you'll leave with nothing, was my first husband. He said because he was a cop, he could use his position to convince the court I'm mentally ill and an unfit mother and threatened to put nude photos of me online. (I was early 20s when I left him, he's 10yrs older). I just wanted to get away from him, I just said fine have what you want and left with my daughter and only a few personal possessions. Managed to start renting and friends gave me old furniture and kitchen utensils etc, I signed the house over to him, I just wanted to start living my life free if him and never look back.

People have asked if I regret not taking him to court or trying to keep the house and I honestly don't. Last time I saw him at an event my daughter was involved in, he was moaning about his mental health during lockdown and still a self pitying perpetual victim. He had our daughter very little, despite living very close and didn't pay maintenance for first 3 years. This is why I'm so suspicious of the manosphere men's stories about women, I've caught my ex-husband out spreading lies to make me look bad to people.

I'd never buy a house with a man again or live with them. My advice to women who rent with a man, is ask for proof of rent agreement and utility bills.

NinjaCynic · 2021-08-22T04:58:35+00:00

Handbook material!

PeanutButterPigeon85 · 2021-08-22T11:19:17+00:00

More Methods, from my own life and the lives of women I know:

If you're in a LDR, always making you travel to visit him and never the other way around. He might promise to visit you and even set exact dates, but then always claims he can't afford it (or some other excuse), even though he's been spending money like water on his hobbies. By the time the relationship has ended, you've spent literally thousands of dollars on travel to see him, while he's spent almost nothing.
If you're getting an apartment together, promising to go 50/50 on the security deposit and other move-in expenses. But then after you've found the perfect apartment, and you have to produce the deposit right away or you'll lose it to other applicants, suddenly claiming with a smirk that he has "no money at all," forcing you to dip deeply into your savings to cover everything. Now, you're deeply financially invested in the new apartment, while he gets to enjoy the new place with no financial investment at all.
Giving you a check for monthly household expenses, but then immediately calling the bank and cancelling that check. When you get to the bank and try to deposit it, you're humiliated in front of the bank staff. You then have to beg him for another check.
Claiming that if you (a SAHM) want to get a job, you should get a job, he's not stopping you. But then he refuses to do any work around the house or help in any way with your multiple, very young children, meaning that you never even have time to do a thorough job search, much less actually get a job. But still, he says it's your fault you're unemployed and guilt-trips you about your student loan payments for a degree you're not even using.
For those who work in expat/overseas positions, claiming that you and he will take turns choosing where you work and live. Your next country will be chosen to benefit his career, and then the one after can be chosen to benefit your career. Sounds great, right? Except that when it comes time for "your turn," he throws a bitch fit and won't even consider moving with you. He's full of reasons why it's a terrible decision and drags his heels until you either capitulate or accept to live in a separate country from your husband. If you capitulate, decades may go by in which your husband brags to outsiders that you and he are "a team" and "take turns," while you know the truth is that his career was always put first and your career -- and earning potential -- always suffered. If you take the latter route and live apart, you do so knowing that there's a whole term in the international sector for men living apart from their wives due to work: MBA, or "married but available."
Refusing to pay court-ordered child support and dragging out the legal process to resolve it. You then have to go into debt to cover your children's basic expenses, and your credit rating and overall financial situation really suffer. He starts spreading rumors in the community that you must be using drugs; otherwise, why would your financial situation be so bad? He then uses your fictional "drug use" as an additional excuse not to pay child support.
And let's not forget this classic: asking you out and then "forgetting" his wallet when it comes time to pay the restaurant bill.

Great post! The mods should make this part of their permanent resources.

ETA: Remembered a few more that my friends have experienced

Candid_Check_4843 · 2021-08-22T04:49:02+00:00

Great information, thank you for taking the time to write all this out 💯

BelleCervelle · 2021-08-22T11:27:50+00:00

“Keep working towards your income, career, investment, retirement and asset goals as if he's not in your life.“

I needed to read this. Thank you for validating my core intention. Thank you for validating the direction I have carefully, strategically chosen to direct my actions to build my future.

Thank you.

This post is a goldmine of wisdom, truth, and strategies.

Thank you with all my heart.

badassalice · 2021-08-22T05:23:35+00:00

My NVM soon-to-be ex-husband was very clever with his financial abuse. He insisted to be the only person to control all our bills (utilities, gas, multiple insurance, phone bills, etc.) He claimed that he was the man of the house so he should take care of all the bills. I wanted autonomy and begged him to contribute to all the bills. He said ok write me a $200 check and that is roughly half of the total spending on bills. I did that religiously so I didn’t feel like I owed him anything.

Every time he verbally and physically abused me he told me that I didn’t have any financial responsibilities and he was the one paying all the bills. That I got to spend all my money getting stuff I wanted and he was stuck paying bills and could never get ahead. I purchased every piece of furniture in our home. I bought every household supplies (toilet paper, trash bags, ziplocks, etc. everything). When I moved out of the house we shared, the house was virtually empty. That was when I realized: I was the only person financially contributing to this relationship. All he did was paying half of the regular bills. We often went 50/50 when we were eating out. More times I paid the entire bill myself because he said I dragged him out to eat things he couldn’t afford. After the separation I started taking a second look at my finances. So many things were under his account but charged from my credit card. I didn’t know his passwords. I spent an enormous amount of time talking to customer service from different companies trying to disconnect my credit card.

He makes about 70k a year. In the last two years alone he saved $35,000 and invested it all in Bitcoin. The funny thing is I was the one who taught him how to invest in crypto. Should have never told him and have him let his money rot and devalue in the bank.

My car insurance almost doubled when I de-bundled from his car (he has a clean history but I have a couple dings on the record) but I’ve never felt so liberated.

F**k this negative value man. He now has a restraining order under his belt - filed by me. Hope he rots in hell.

Tonera · 2021-08-22T10:38:04+00:00

Let me share my story / mistakes if anyone cares to read:

NVX never held down a job for very long, something would always happen causing him to quit or get fired. He was never really in any hurry to find the next one as long as he knew I could keep us afloat.

We decided to rent a place together, which was a mistake in of itself. I covered utilities, he would cover rent. Much to everyone's surprise (it wasn't) I was paying 90% of our bills while he continued buying other things such as weed, vapes, etc. My savings were burning up.

There were many other red flags, but I'm sticking to those financially related to stay on topic.

When it came time to break up, he is still in no hurry to sign me off the lease or switch over utilities. I said I will be shutting your energy off because I won't tolerate bills piling up in my name and suddenly all the accounts switched over. He wasn't "ready" enough to face the consequences, but was ready enough to call it quits. Did he really expect me to continue paying while he took his sweet time to "figure things out"?

There was also the fact that he didn't own a car and wanted to cosign with me for one, but I already knew.

Don't fall for the bullshit ladies because it's so unbelievably hard to detangle yourself once you're trapped.

AAlegend8 · 2021-08-22T14:09:25+00:00

My ex did 90% of these over 16 years, and it actually blows my mind that I was so trusting of a truly bad person. But he was my husband, right? 🤦🏻‍♀️

Painfulmenstruation · 2021-08-22T19:22:35+00:00

This is great handbook material.

I was heavily financially abused in my last relationship, forced to make purchases, he refused to work full time, he purposely gave up his apartment and then “couldn’t find another one” and manipulated and threatened and blackmailed me to let him live with me for awhile.

Then he tried to pull “we’re common law now and if you leave me you’ll have to pay me alimony.” I guess in man speak you could say he made a lame attempt at “divorce rape.”

He spent all his own money on himself and on his friends.

He was verbally, psychologically, physically and sexually abusive if I wouldn’t spend money on him.

He purposely caused disturbances to try to get me evicted and I was put in a position where I couldn’t call police to do anything when he was abusing me because he’d cause a disturbance and other tenants would complain.

He also constantly pretended to be looking for a job.

He once left his Facebook messenger open and I read all his messages. In one of them his friend was telling him about how much of a hard time he was having finding a job in his field and he responded with “Get a white girl to pay for everything, trust me.”

He was a total leech and almost impossible to get rid of.

I later learned from two of his exes that he was a serial hobosexual.

I had to cut off all mutual acquaintances, hide all my social media, move, avoid certain parts of town to get rid of him. I eventually left and moved to a different city and at least once every couple of weeks I have a nightmare that he’s found where I live, takes over my house, and I can’t get rid of him.

Towards the end, when he was really trying to keep his grip on me he was like “This city isn’t big enough for both of us. It’s either you or me.”

Financial abuse always leads to other types of abuse.

Every six months or so I look for his obituary. I don’t think I’ll ever feel truly free until he’s dead.

confatulations · 2021-08-22T15:52:03+00:00

One thing to add to this excellent list: get a copy of his credit report before marriage. It’ll show you a list of all his credit accounts.

deadinsidelol69 · 2021-08-22T20:51:37+00:00

My ex used to spend all his money on toys and games (he was 23, I shit you not.) Then cry to me when he didn't have money for bills/rent. He used to harass me into spending my money on him, either his bills, buying him more toys and games, or on expensive meals. He would cry, stomp around, throw temper tantrums and even threaten to commit s**cide if I didn't spend money on him. There were months where he was making me spend 25% of my paychecks on him.

He never paid me back, constantly abused me, and never spent a dime on me. He took me out to a restaurant once and spent months crying about how expensive the bill was.

Fuck that, I'm never spending any goddamn money on a guy ever again unless I'm married to him.

DarbyGirl · 2021-08-22T14:43:14+00:00

I felt so uneasy when I first got together with my stbx and he was pushing me to quit my job when I went back to school. I didn't see it for the red flag it was but I am so glad I was independent enough to keep my job. His control popped up later on in the relationship but it would have been so much worse if I had quit.

I also agree with socking money away that he doesn't know about. I read an article about having a f*ck off fund stored away and started one once I was able too. It was nice being able to look at it and feel like if everything fell apart I'd be able to land on my feet.

Edit: remembered another one. I'd often discuss purchases I wanted to make, he'd seem on board so I'd go ahead with it. Then he'd get huffy that I went ahead and did what we discussed. I hesitated so long in getting a much needed newer car because I was afraid of the fallout.

jupitaur9 · 2021-08-22T20:33:24+00:00

Along with the 50-50 bit, making you pay for anything you want that they don’t want. Especially making you pay for children including prenatal care.

Oh, and making the cost of child care your problem, claiming that the cost must come out of your income. If you don’t make enough to cover it, claiming this means you have to stay home because it’s your financial responsibility.

deepdarkocean · 2021-08-23T00:26:48+00:00

If you're a SAHM he completely controls the finances because the money is “his”

its so important to talk about how this is abuse

Talktothecat1 · 2021-08-22T12:37:19+00:00

Hand book worthy. Thank you Queen x

Technusgirl · 2021-08-22T14:51:39+00:00

I had an ex who constantly tried to get me to quit my job. That was never going to happen. He also told me I was too independent and that's why I never married 🙄 I grew up in an abusive household where my mother was trapped in her marriage with a guy who wouldn't let her work and when she did get a job because we were really poor and needed the money, he would sabotage the job in every way he could.

This scared me. I knew that no matter what I needed to be able to provide for myself. This was my saving grace when I found myself in a similar position as my mom. I stood my ground. Funnily enough, he got fired pretty early in our relationship and didn't work for the 3 years we were together and STILL tried to sabotage my job.

Lost_Kale90 · 2021-08-22T13:10:09+00:00

Thank you for posting this!

AutoModerator · 2021-08-22T04:32:59+00:00

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Title	Financial Abuse
Author	Platipus6
Upvotes	301
Comments	29
Date	August 22, 2021 4:32 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/p9634v/financial_abuse/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/financial-abuse.1059375 https://theredarchive.com/post/1059375

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