Financial Abuse

Purpose

• To keep you from leaving. To make you dependent. Power and control.
• To keep you in poverty and struggling so you can't walk out the door.
• To keep your mind occupied so you don't notice the other abuse. To keep you stressed and overworked and tired and more susceptible to abuse.
• To get you to subsidize his life. Straight theft/conman.
• The feeling of superiority. Winning, getting one over you, tricking you.
• Greed, hoarding, entitlement. They love seeing their bank balance increase while still having a bangmaid, nanny, cleaner.
• Selfishness. Spending generously on themselves and being ok with watching you struggle.
• To spend money on another woman or whole hidden family.
• Hidden addictions.
• Punishment. They hate women and enjoy watching you stress and struggle.
• Lies. “Just checking you're not a gold-digger”. But they get addicted to contributing nothing and having the woman pay more than her fair share.

Methods

• Lying about their income. Eg they earn 100k, claim they only earn 50k
• They take equity or stocks from a company and only draw 50k salary.
• Hiding assets, trusts, businesses they own, buildings they rent out.
• Owning the house, claiming they rent, charging you rent – you pay their mortgage or pay them a nice side income.
• Jacking up the bills – utilities are 200, they claim it's 400.
• Claiming that they're paying the rent with the money you give them, but they're slowly working you towards eviction and black-listing.
• They make you go 50/50, they earn 100k you earn 20k
• Spending frivolously behind your back. Gambling and prostitutes. Failed investments. Always keeping you living paycheck to paycheck instead of saving, or spending on you and your kids so you can have a comfortable life.
• Making large financial decisions and purchases without your input.
• Cajoling you into buying things you don't need to keep your funds low. Announcing you're going on family vacation but you have to pay half or stay behind.
• Guilting you into buying lavish gifts for all his family, otherwise you “don't love them”.
• Requiring you to account for every dollar you spend. Scrutinising bills and receipts and criticising you.
• Shaming you into “paying your fair share”, but they never speak about all the ways they're not contributing their fair share of labor and childcare.
• Guilt, punishment for “feminism”. You wanted equality, you wanted to enter the workforce, well now you can bring payment for bills.
• Lying about “paying you back” because they're short this month. They never pay you back, and blow their income on beer and weed.
• Accepting lavish presents and celebratory dinners and events from you (birthday, anniversaries, holidays, promotions) but never spending the same amount in return. Lying that these things aren't important to them, but they won't return or refuse expensive gifts....
• Telling you to quit your job and “they'll take care of you” - make you dependent on them. Control.
• Holding his status as “breadwinner” over your head. Threatening to cut you off during disagreements or to coerce you into things like sex.
• Making you beg for money for necessities.
• Adding his name to your bank accounts and credit cards, opening a credit card in your name. Taking out a loan in your name. Forging your signature.
• Putting your name on all the bills so that you're left with them if he becomes unemployed.
• Making you claim benefits and then stealing the money.
• Making you work for his business and not paying you.
• If you're a SAHM he completely controls the finances because the money is “his”.
• Selling your possessions, heirlooms or stocks without your permission.
• Sabotaging your career and promotions, usually with sleep abuse or picking a fight, inventing an emergency before an important day or job interview.
• Convincing you not go go for promotions or that you're not good enough to deal with more responsibility.
• Sabotaging or discouraging you from further study, training or upskilling that might lead to increased salary.
• Hiding your keys or otherwise making it difficult and burdensome to get to work, eg forcing you to take public transport while they drive a luxury family car to their nearby job and park it all day.
• Ruining your reputation at work, turning up and making a scene.
• Promising to babysit so you can work but then bailing to make you seem frazzled and unreliable.
• Refusing to take the children to appointments so you have to take time off work.
• Questioning, mocking, shaming, guilt-tripping any of your spending.
• Coercing you to follow him to a different town/state/country where your job opportunities and chance for promotion are significantly worse.
• As soon as they've got you, they become unemployed and it's a never-ending series of lies and road-bumps preventing him from getting an income again.
• If you do leave, you leave with nothing. You haven't amassed savings or resources, they own the house, car and have thousands in the bank. Then you can't afford a decent lawyer to advocate for you, and you start back at zero after a 20 year nightmare. This is done on a societal level.
• Refusing to pay child support. Lying about their income or purposefully getting a low income job in order to pay less child support.

How to prevent it

• KEEP. YOUR. JOB.
• Observe him during the first 6 months of dating, minimum. Does he enjoy paying, does he pause to let you reach for your purse, does he pay without blinking, does he say “you can get the next one”, does he make a fuss “my treat!”, does he expect anything in return or favors afterwards, does he make you feel indebted, does he draw your attention to the price, does he mutter that women are expensive, does he make comments about gold-diggers, does he snark at your fancy things, does he brush off your well-paid job as 'luck' or 'must be nice'.
• Does he treat you as a partner, or a wallet he can dip his hand into, or an annoying expense?
• Keep an eye on your bank account. Having a man in your life should not make your savings disappear.
• Keep your own bank account and savings account.
• Have an emergency fund and keep adding to it, with enough money to escape in the night. First month's rent, bond, utility connection, some furniture and a basic security system.
• Keep working towards your income, career, investment, retirement and asset goals as if he's not in your life.
• Keep in touch with friends and family. They can warn you if they spy abuse and will help you leave. Never be embarrassed to ask for help. They'd rather you crash on their couch than have to identify your body at the morgue.
• Never hand over cash for rent or bills or as a loan. Always lay eyes on the bills if you do agree to pay part utilities. A HVM would be paying those expenses anyway, and shouldn't be moving a woman in to subsidise his bills.
• Never give him your debit or credit card, or bank info/password.
• Think carefully before moving into a rental with a man. View the lease and all it's conditions for if you need to escape. Check what rights you have.
• If a man asks you to cover him until payday, he's a broke, financially irresponsible bum who shouldn't be dating until his finances are in order.
• Never let a man 'invest' for you. It's not always dusty bums. Smooth con-men can be in fancy suits and pretend to be successful investors.
• Get legal and financial advice before moving into a house with a man who is paying a mortgage.
• Have lengthy discussions and demand complete transparency before marriage and cohabiting.
• View bank statements and pay slips. Discuss child care, your career, what's going to happen when you give birth? What are his plans for if he takes parental leave - vacation or actually parenting? Exploiting women as unpaid labor is still financial abuse. If he's not going to do 50% of the housework and childcare, he should pay a fair wage to a cleaner and nanny.
• If you can't afford professional legal and financial advice, make friends with women who are in the business. Ask a DV helpline or website for assistance.

Don't ever be in a position where you can't afford to leave. Don't get in if you can't get out again.