Finding the balance between truth vs hope with men

jackofhearts23 · 2020-02-05T03:04:36+00:00

I don't think it's so much about being calculating and closed off as it is about knowing what your values and standards are, and not settling for less than you deserve. And while it's often posted "all men" we know it's not literally all men. That's why we talk about meeting a HVM. If they didn't exist, well then there wouldn't be much point to this sub.

FDS is full of valid points and strategies that are beneficial to women...When you're thinking about truth vs hope I don't think it has to be so black and white/all or nothing. You have to evaluate everyone individually, be aware of red flags and people whoare not a good fit for you, but also have fun with dating.

When I read FDS I choose to use what works for me. For example, I prefer to go on coffee or drinks for the first date because I rather not go for a sit down meal with someone who turned out to be a dud. However I have realized that if I feel like I'm chasing someone, they're probably not into me.

Firefly10886 · 2020-02-05T03:12:10+00:00

I think it’s been like this for generations, but women just didn’t know it like we do now. Men are like literally a different species than us. We do not think, relate or empathize remotely similar.

I agree, I’m starting to fully grasp their nature, which seems to be a mixture of primal needs and entitlement bound together by a fragile ego that needs the female energy to survive.

jewdy09 · 2020-02-05T03:39:09+00:00

I think a lot of it has to do with his judgment of a specific woman. FDS strategy works to help you recognize LVM, but it also works to encourage HVM to put in the work to obtain you. A HVM needs to feel like he has earned your attention. If you give him wife privileges or sex too soon, it diminishes your value in his eyes and he will treat you as a disposable placeholder until someone else comes along that makes him chase her.

Men are always complain about women who play games, but we all know how it goes when you make it easy for them. You made it easy for him to discard you too. I’d love to be free with my love and caring as soon as I start seeing a man that I like, but he doesn’t respect that kind of honesty and generosity. Play the game or get played.

Amelania · 2020-02-05T03:23:58+00:00

I just want to say I've been wondering the same lately. Reading some of the experiences of women here, and seeing it literally everyday of my life both directly and indirectly from friends and colleagues, it really opens your eyes to the depravity and audacity.

I'm trying to stay positive in regards to not all men being awful and I think it's because I'm truly liking being single for the very first time in my life. I don't hate men and I don't want to. I've made the decision not to settle or accept anything less than my ideal companion because I can honestly say I'd rather be single and enjoy my own life. You don't even need a man to have children anymore. You can truly accomplish anything by yourself.

Ishouldbewriting83 · 2020-02-05T03:17:11+00:00

I think that we are all human, and focusing on the bad experiences to avoid future failure/sadness is a very human thing to do. I left an abusive marriage and honestly never thought I could stomach the idea of getting married again. Not realizing it, I started instinctively utilizing a lot of the FDS strategies mentioned here as a way to avoid love-bombing and ending up in another abusive relationship (something my therapist warned me about). I actually had a fear of commitment. Moving slow was a safety measure for me. But, I ended up meeting a man I really liked. I got to know him in a group setting over a long period of time, and one day I realized he was the person I was looking for whenever I entered the room. It's been five years, and I still find myself surprised when he doesn't let me down the way my ex used to. I think the fact that women are on here means they (we) haven't given up hope. I'm aware of the fact it could all come crashing down someday, but as we are now, I just can't feel it. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, be unsurprised by anything inbetween. And, occasionally laugh at some idiot who thinks "DTF?" is a good way to open a conversation. 😆

Nifteroni-and-Cheese · 2020-02-05T04:04:13+00:00

I always go into relationships with hope, but I trust my gut, my judgment, and my experiences more than I trust my hope. If I feel good about being with him, if he seems great, and if his actions reflect well, then I can keep being hopeful! But if his vibes are super off, if I feel like there’s something wrong with him, or if his actions reflect things I don’t want in a partner, I’m ok letting go of my hope in that relationship and moving on.

Having hope that a man is going to be worth falling in love with is not the same as falling in love with who you hope a man is.

I hope my current relationship keeps being splendid, but I’m in the relationship because of his great vibes, his high value character, and his high effort actions, not because of my high hopes.

Barnabas1993 · 2020-02-05T04:58:59+00:00

Well I don’t believe a thing a man tells me. They lie all the fucking time and do anything to get laid. After that, you’re not worth a dime to him. So yeah, I just use them like they use me and dump them after a while. I’ll never believe a man again after my first love six years ago.

FutileDeathStar · 2020-02-05T05:21:46+00:00

IMO, being LV isn't necessarily an unchangeable thing, and assuming it is would be counter productive on our part. Men are just being held to higher standards and more accountability now, and when more of us raise our standards, more men will try to keep up. That's why I firmly believe in making Pickmeishas see the light. Pickmeishas need to change for the greater good, otherwise there will always be an abundance of LVM in circulation. I don't believe that Pickmeishas are our enemies (I mean, how many of us used to be the same, right?). They are just unenlightened.

JoanHollowayWannabe · 2020-02-05T05:59:28+00:00

Honestly I understand where you're coming from. As liberating as FDS has been, it's made me realize it might be a really long time before I can love freely and completely again, which is a little depressing. I'm in my late twenties and at this rate I might not marry before my mid thirties. My sense of wonder (in the romantic sense) is diminishing. But deep down I know "being closed off, calculated, and emotionally distant with them" is much better for protecting myself from a whole world of fuckboys.

I've been working on building up friendships and a support system, which really helps, but sometimes I just want the romance? To do thoughtful things and delight someone I truly care for? To not constantly be screening for disappointment? The reality is though, most *attractive* guys aren't gonna chase me, aren't gonna be consistent, and aren't interested in finding a loving, devoted wife. A rarefied few (maybe one) will, and then problem solved! Until then, I just have to be ok with that and be 'selfish' until I don't have to anymore. It'll happen when it happens.

jackofhearts23 · 2020-02-05T09:12:34+00:00

[deleted]

modernmedusaa · 2020-02-05T17:24:39+00:00

Well you can go in blind at your own risk if you want but most women with vast dating experience of men tried that several times with various devastating consequences. They lost more than they gained. That’s exactly why they know the warning signs& red flags. And realistically there is more LVM than HVM so you need to be equipped with this knowledge. There’s nothing worse to an LVM than a woman who knows their moves & has confidence....because then they cannot control her as they wish.

If you don’t want the truth that’s fine, join the rest of the pick me’s getting their asses run. You might end up broke, abused or saddled with kids he doesn’t want to pay for. You’re gonna have to wise up to the game if you want to get anywhere good.

Personally their longterm relationship issues give me enough fuel and reminders to keep up my standards forever. I would rather be less trusting than too naive . And id rather be single than date a parasite in disguise.

ghygdryhchmmmmjj · 2020-02-05T05:52:13+00:00

If they pull the rug out they are not an hvm. But an lvm can certainly pretend to care about to get what they want. That doesn't make them an hvm.

dackaroo · 2020-02-05T10:15:26+00:00

All this strategy is to find a guy that you can be yourself around.

--wellDAM-- · 2020-02-05T04:57:50+00:00

This is my hand to God testimony.

I found feminism, radical feminism, pink pill feminism after a long religious marriage where in the church I saw men basically scratching dirt over each other’s misogyny as the women suffered and huddled together as often as possible for relief and sanity.

I thought I just wanted to find a good man with .... a huge list of impossible qualities.

Therapy, therapy, therapy I’m gay.

Legit question whether you could be a lesbian. I don’t know who needs to hear this. You can’t choose your sexuality but I think more women who legit hate man behavior should consider they could be lesbian.

I thought I was looking for a well behaved man. There aren’t any. I hated and was repulsed by them because I wanted a woman.

The sub /late bloomer lesbian has a master doc you should read.

The sub is taken over by Trans men but the doc is legit good info

Ms_Tilly · 2020-02-05T17:34:40+00:00

I still have hope, but I'm brutal now. I was brutal before, but I still gave chances. I don't give chances anymore. And I don't overextend myself in the hopes a man will show me the same respect.

My last relationship was with a Cluster B. So fun /s. My next two attempts at dating I tried a little bit, but it got me absolutely nothing in return, so I dumped quick. Last night I got an intro QUESTION from a guy who didn't disgust me with his pics or profile. So I matched and answered his question. Surprisingly, he messaged right back. But it was my bedtime. Back in the day I would've stayed up past my bedtime to entertain him. Not now. I messaged back to say I was going to bed and we can continue this tomorrow. And if he doesn't reach out before 9pm tonight, I am going to unmatch.

I'm at the point where I both want and DONT want a man's company. I am exhausted from being let down by men. I don't want to expend any energy on a man. So I just next these mf's for every little thing I don't like. The next man to get my interest is really going to have to show me something. And if none do, that's totally fine with me. I make good money, have good friends, and have good hobbies. No man is coming in and upsetting my happy life.

raiu86 · 2020-02-05T19:58:05+00:00

So as I see it the important thing is to love yourself more than you love the man. Even if he's your husband.

And keep your chin up. There are probably thousands of men in your general vicinity, and you only have to find one that is a good man and right for you if you want to marry.

As for not finding the men you attract attractive, maybe dig into that a bit. Are they really all ugly or is it more that there is no spark/chemistry? I didn't feel any chemistry with my now-husband on our first date, sometimes they need that second chance to show you what's great about them is on the inside. NOTE I am NOT suggesting you lower your standards of gentlemanly behavior even a micron, nor that you date men you find actively unattractive. Personally, my deal was that as long as he showed no red flags he could have a second date, but he really had to impress me to get a third. I went on very few second dates 🤣

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