I think I’m dating a HVM

pickmieshaexorcist · 2020-04-21T12:36:21+00:00

Firstly, we need to stop calling men we don’t know HV. There’s no earthly way you can ever know someone in a month. He seems to have a lot of promising signs. But that’s all I can say. A lot of the stuff you mentioned is just baseline nice adult things, like owning his own home and taking care of his dog and courting you. These are normal things he should be doing.

Second, joking about the threesome was really LV behavior, sorry. I would absolutely hate it if a man said that about my hot best friend and it would probably get him dumped, especially if he doubled down and called me sensitive. The STD test comment, hard to judge but it really depends on context. There’s having an adult, respectful conversation about it and then there’s “haha you’re a dirty s*ut!” To which I’d probably feel a little offended too ngl.

The most telling thing is how he told you he’s hesitant to commit because he feels like your rebound. Men always tell their true feelings. He could have good reason for feeling this way or he could be managing your expectations but either way don’t put all your eggs in. It’s so early so I’d just keep dating, vetting and trying to remain objective.

Saitschik · 2020-04-21T12:28:43+00:00

The STD comment of yours was alright, you should both get tested. But the threesome comment about his hot best friend would for me be a reason to dump you to be frank.

He sounds alright but you are might not such a good match and men in the military have a high tendency to be abusers, so keep your guards up and check him properly if you follow through.

Nearby-Armadillo · 2020-04-21T12:20:30+00:00

Date him another 6-8 months before even thinking about making a judgement. Military men tend to have a hard time with emotionally intimate LTRs. And that sensitivity and getting upset might get real old real fast. He may also start using "I'm sensitive" to manipulate you.

circescircus · 2020-04-21T13:03:58+00:00

You've only dated him for a month (during coronavirus) and you're reading too much into things during a very early phase of dating. You don't even know who he is as a human being yet. Just chill and be more patient while you are screening.

idiay · 2020-04-21T12:16:47+00:00

Nothing wrong with asking to get tested for STDs. Shouldn't get offended.

bananachka · 2020-04-21T12:38:14+00:00

I'll be honest, I dated a guy, who for the first three months, was "sensitive" and paid for dates and bought me a nice birthday gift and said he wanted family/marriage... But then he ended up being another LVM once the 3 month mark went by.

So while those ARE HVM signs, take in account the red flags that might end up having more weight than the good things. I don't mean to be cynical or pessimistic, but just try to be as objective as possible.

understatedalways · 2020-04-21T12:59:12+00:00

I have dated 2 different military men. They were both overly sensitive and had issues with trauma from the time they served, which came out in the form of aggression and anger mixed with bouts of crying and love bombing. The first month or two they were “fine” but still set off my spider senses that something was not quite right with them. Trust your intuition. If you’re not sure if he is high value, he probably isn’t. His overly sensitive response to the std test question and his lack of locking you down to become your boyfriend are both major red flags. It is way too early to see if he is a HVM, but I am just warning you that my experiences with these type of men have not been good.

PhospholipidB · 2020-04-21T12:53:37+00:00

Sounds like he has some potential

However, beware of a guy who can make you feel like you're the crazy one when you ask a legit question. STD status is a responsible question. He should never have shamed or blamed you for that difficult question.

You've only known him 5 weeks. Keep your dating options open and keep meeting other people. You do not know a persons true character until you see them during big stressful life moments.

Do watch how he acts around his parents. Did he have a good upbringing? People mirror the kinds of relationships they saw growing up.

Watch how he acts around his friends, especially when he thinks you arent paying attention. Any sexist, racist, or otherwise bigoted comments? Does he refer to you (or any women he dated) with respect?

hikerkay · 2020-04-21T14:19:12+00:00

[deleted]

sadpourtoujours · 2020-04-21T18:23:45+00:00

Continue to vet him. The only thing I think should be closely monitored is the ex girlfriend thing. He will ask you out eventually.

Also, as others have pointed out, you were extremely tactless and disrespectful for joking about the threesome, and mentioning the STD test in an immature way. You came off as the LV one to me.

You need to have manners and respect in a relationship. The fact that you don’t see the issue with joking about having a threesome with his best friend who, to add fire to the flames, you referred to as hot to him is worrying.

He seems like a decent man so far. Spending money on you and having a clean house are what stood out to me. He also actually called you to discuss why something affected his feelings like an adult. You’re going to lose him or make him resent you if you continue to be disrespectful and immature.

Kekekeke7777 · 2020-04-21T13:51:06+00:00

Be careful with military dudes.
Why’s he so freaked out about an obvious joke about his male friend? You’re barely dating him, it’s not like you’re in a serious relationship and made that comment. That would be inappropriate. But you’re still in the flirting, silly stage, so he needs to chill.
Sounds like you are naturally funny and quick-witted and he doesn’t like that. He has to call you for a serious talk about an obvious joke? Creating drama where there is none.
Taking the dog out for you is great but some guys rush to do these “chores” in an effort to rush intimacy and/or endear your pet to them. Make you think subconsciously that he is safe. My ex did that with my pets. Gave them treats behind my back to make my pets like him. It worked. And then when he visited we were like “one big happy family.” He wanted to force this.
$300 is a lot to spend on someone’s birthday so early in. Even if he has it, he is likely aware of awkwardness or discomfort it could cause you and how it could be off-putting for you. And he obviously doesn’t care. It also creates an imbalance in the relationship. Puts him in “power” in his mind.
The ex calling to say “I miss you” at midnight? They’re still talking/he’s still seeing her. His hanging up means he didn’t want you to find out more.
Something to be aware of: it’s a stereotype, but some military guys try and force “happy family” situations with new women very, very quickly. Fast engagements, moving in, marriages, babies, etc. It never ends well. I live in a military town and see it a lot. Just want you to be aware of this.
He’s criticizing your readiness to be in a relationship but his ex from 2 years ago still calls him to say “I miss you”? Um. No. He’s projecting and/or trying to distract you from the likely fact that he’s still seeing her, or at least leading her on in some way. Sorry 😐

BasieSkanks · 2020-04-21T16:54:47+00:00

Getting an STD test is not a joke. It’s something every responsible adult should do before having sex with a new partner. I’ll tell you a story. I was a virgin when I met my ex-FWB, and I asked him to get an STD test. It culminated in a huge argument a few weeks after we met, because he didn’t want to. He then said I should get one as well (even though I had not had sex!!!!!!????). Looking back, his reaction should have been a huge red flag, because it not only showed his inability to empathise, it also showed his attitude towards sexual health. Proceed with great caution, OP.

JenAYE2 · 2020-04-21T18:02:50+00:00

The one RED FLAG is ALWAYS a NO for me. I require an STD test and feel that if they care the slightest for me that they will respect my choice to show me one. Actually I request 2. To make sure there is no change in things. The other RED FLAG the ex calling. I am sorry Ex's do not call out of the blue to say I miss you. Also WHY would he answer if he knew it was her. That's usually a ploy from the guy to see your reaction and/or the EX is very involved in his life still. Lastly, $300 on birthday and your not the girlfriend? So what is he trying to buy here? Your affection, sex, or is he genuinely a nice guy and has more money than the NAVY pays him?

2020-04-21T18:50:02+00:00

The Navy thing is a red flag I would say. Military men and cops have a much higher tendency to commit acts of domestic violence.

GunterforPM · 2020-04-21T12:32:52+00:00

I would probably be taken aback by the way the STD comment was phrased. I AM sensitive however.

How did you find out about his ex calling him? Did he tell you?

thebestmes · 2020-04-21T14:28:22+00:00

What are HVM and LV?

Title	I think I’m dating a HVM
Author	hikerkay
Upvotes	17
Comments	62
Date	April 21, 2020 12:10 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g5e25s/i_think_im_dating_a_hvm/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/i-think-im-dating-a-hvm.677899 https://theredarchive.com/post/677899

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