If m*n talk too much about their problems, don’t reply

KevlarSweetheart · 2020-08-28T17:54:33+00:00

Don’t be anyone’s therapist. 1) you’re not equipped because you’re not a therapist 2) it’s emotionally draining and exhausting - because see #1

shortywannarock · 2020-08-28T18:09:06+00:00

Men get the idea it’s open season to unleash their emotional bs to any woman in the vicinity.

I always act cold af and give them responses like “their bros” would. “Haha that’s your own fault.” “Lol nice.” Basically, they learn to stop coming to me for pity points.

I would ignore them completely if I didn’t have to work with them.

eveninghope · 2020-08-28T17:37:23+00:00

Send them a link to Better Help.

Lily_padd · 2020-08-28T21:51:44+00:00

They want your advice and pity but if you complain they just say "that sucks" and act like a child.

nowheyrose · 2020-08-28T19:25:50+00:00

In my really low self esteem days, I matched with a guy on tinder who, within the first few sentences, started venting hardcore about an ex he dated for four years and had broken up with THAT WEEK. Omg. It was so toxic. I let him vent a bit but quickly ghosted.

flowerdough · 2020-08-28T23:34:44+00:00

They often do this to garner your sympathy and make it easier to manipulate you, especially if it's early in the relationship.

Only in a longterm, established relationship is it appropriate to turn to your significant other for emotional support.

Men who start playing the victim right out of the gate are usually adept manipulators and will do some serious damage to your life before you realize that they've been playing on your kindness and empathy in order to get you to lower your guard.

Incredible_Alligator · 2020-08-28T19:09:33+00:00

Yep, so much this. I totally let my ex LVM vent to me about all his shit. His job he hated, his family, his existential crisis, etc. And when I needed some emotional support at the start of the pandemic he basically disappeared. I was expected to be happy all the time and never have problems but be readily available to listen to all of his like I enjoyed it!

whadyamacallit · 2020-08-28T21:45:51+00:00

A guy on OLD the other day decided to pour out the details of his divorce and that they 'should never have gotten married' 🙄Bear in mind this was about 5 messages in... Suffice it to say, I stopped messaging.

Ketolove604 · 2020-08-28T21:50:54+00:00

Yes!!! I wish I could upvote this many times.

I've met a LVM man like this before, and it's a huge turnoff. He would complain about drama at work, with friends, with family, with the person at the grocery store taking too long to select something, his sob stories from years ago, and he was ALWAYS the victim.

I totally fell for it for a long time because I wasn't used to this type of man and felt "bad" for him. Men take advantage of our kind-heartedness. Never again!

I started to smarten up when he would get annoyed at me for talking about my work problems. It wasn't even trivial stuff he'd talk about. I would listen to him for 20-30 minutes with full attention and support, then try to talk about my stuff, and he'd get irritated in 5 minutes. Ugh, so hypocritical!

Now, if a guy does this I'll keep it short too. "Good luck with that", "Me too". Like the other commenter said, be like a guy. Then I'll change the subject and talk about something positive.

sexxxybae · 2020-08-28T19:55:17+00:00

omg, this guy i talked to after awhile of him trying to talk to me, he started telling me all this stuff, mentioned his shrink, said these are things he can't talk to his friends about, etc. He was going through a bad time it seems, but if you like a girl and have been after her for a long time wouldn't you put your best effort forward initially? I felt like he was using me to dump on. Maybe he wanted me to feel bad and using that. Something about people immediately telling you sad things about them rubs me the wrong way. What's weird is I'm a very sensitive person, deep down I feel bad. That might be why actually, i feel the negative energy transference if that makes sense and as i get older i can't handle it. I've found that people who know me will tell me a story and walk away feeling better, like they stole my calm. And then i'm there anxious. But the last few years have shown me that a lot of people who do this are being manipulative. I just read something recently about the dark triad of personality traits, and apparently victim signaling was more common in those who have that. In our society playing the victim gets you more social credit, not less, it gets you more resources, and it put it all into focus why it's been rubbing me the wrong way. Not for everyone, but I know a few people who use what has happened to them and embellished it to get attention and it pisses me off. Because everyone has a rough time, they see you on the surface and think you have it easy and no you don't just because it looks that way. So unless i really feel for them, it turns me off mentally. Ofcourse there are real victims, but they tend to not want you to know and tend to not want you to treat them different. And then the in betweens that things really happened to, it's real, but they use it and exaggerate to their benefit. It also explains why this society has become a competition of who has it worse.

Hahane · 2020-08-28T20:00:27+00:00

he would complain like there is no tomorrow and when I suggested something he was like: this is the worst advice in the history of advices, maybe ever.

flowerdough · 2020-08-28T23:57:10+00:00

Yep. LVM don’t know about boundaries, asking consent to share something triggering. Any good person, or HVM, wouldn’t vent to you until you feel like you’re gonna pass out. Not a worthwhile partner if it feels unreciprocal and shitty

forgot to mention: the censored out "m*n" in the title really made me laugh 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

fdsonlynoscrubs · 2020-08-29T02:33:56+00:00

OMG talked to some guy on an app who told me in 3 minutes that he has asthma and is only doing virtual dating. I was like “I’m sorry to hear that.” His response “Me too.” That’s it? Like... I’m supposed to build a conversation around that? “Awwww poor baby, let me entertain you and leave food at your doorstep.”

I wanted to let him know that if he plans to date virtually, he’ll need to learn how to have conversations virtually. But, I just blocked instead.

Btw - I don’t unmatch anymore, I block within the app bc that way I know I won’t get matched w the same guy again (at least not on the same app).

Verysoftbun · 2020-08-29T05:50:37+00:00

I used to talk with a guy friend about his problems a lot. Be said to me he liked it because our guy friends never talked with him in detail like me and our other female friend did.

I noticed though that when I had stuff I wanted to talk about he just responded with reaction emojis and very rarely empathized or even gave Good/thoughtful advice.

I pulled back a lot.

He later expressed when moving he really liked having female roommates because they listen to his problems. But it was "fucking annoying" because then he was expected to reciprocate.

When he talks to me about his problems I responded with emojis now.

daisy_0720 · 2020-08-29T12:42:20+00:00

But they never return the favor, do they? I can count on one hand the men who have actually shown genuine empathy when I've been going through a problem or crisis.

And none of them were men I've dated.

Title	If m*n talk too much about their problems, don’t reply
Author	_idekman
Upvotes	135
Comments	34
Date	August 28, 2020 5:19 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/iib8ef/if_mn_talk_too_much_about_their_problems_dont/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/if-mn-talk-too-much-about-their-problems-dont.172385 https://theredarchive.com/post/172385

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