It’s not always possible to have fast confirmation of low value behaviour. Which is why it’s important to vet and CONTINUE to vet throughout your relationship.

mydeepestinnerworks · 2020-04-18T14:58:53+00:00

It took two years for my ex boyfriend to show his physically abusive side. Keep that in mind. Edit; Not even. A year and a half.

Soulsalts · 2020-04-18T17:11:35+00:00

I went on a few dates with a guy, several months ago. He was young, handsomish, clean, well-dressed, polite, with beautifully broad shoulders. We had gone on a number of dates, and we had kissed on most of them. I was starting to think he was a real possibility.

Then he took a picture of something on one of our dates, and told me he was going to post it on reddit. Well, he shouldn't have done that. I was easily able to find his reddit account and go through his history.

So, turns out he's spending most of his time and probably most of his income on weed and fancy weed-smoking equipment. That's bad enough.

But then I find him going off (over two dozen comments in a row) on some poor dweeb, over nothing. Then he found out the dweeb's mom had died, so he starts saying shit like "why don't you go crying to your dead mommy", and then, I shit you not, says he's going to dig up and fuck the mother's corpse.

Every hair on my head stood up when I read that. No justification on Earth could make a good man say that, and the "justification" here was nearly nil.

I came away from that experience with profound gratitude. I mean, who knows how long it might have taken me to find out what that guy really was, if it hadn't been for his slip up early on?

BasieSkanks · 2020-04-18T14:59:09+00:00

My mother always said that character is like a smoke. You can only contain it for so long.

spin_the_globe · 2020-04-18T16:42:42+00:00

This is why I'm not in favor of women being in a hurry to get exclusive, live with someone, or marry him. Voice of experience here: If he pressures you for exclusivity, living together, or marriage, get out. The sooner he locks down the relationship, the sooner he can go back to the usual LVM ways and stop pretending to be what he's not.

I think it's reasonable to be in a relationship for at least a year before living together, and living together (or at least spending frequent time at each other's place) at least a year before marriage. If you think you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, take the time to get to know them, and think about whether you could deal with a version of them that slowly changed for the worse.

UpbeatIncubator · 2020-04-18T16:50:46+00:00

I'd say it takes a good two years AND living with them.

Nearby-Armadillo · 2020-04-18T14:58:05+00:00

That's why a lot of relationships tend to fall apart at the 3-4 month mark. People can only hide their true selves for so long.

cptsaveabetch · 2020-04-18T18:42:36+00:00

Can attest to this. MONTHS later I realized my boyfriend (now ex) was a monster.

EmpressOfDankness · 2020-04-19T01:07:13+00:00

Keep your guard up with all of them. My current man seems HV, but every day I remind myself not to get too comfortable and attached. You never really know who you're with unfortunately. I've heard of men completely changing their character after marriage, becoming fathers, or major life events happening.

illusion_believe · 2020-04-18T19:11:26+00:00

Oh yeah. Basically everyday you start again. You need to ask yourself when you wake up “hmm do I choose him today ?”

supremelyparanoid · 2020-04-18T14:53:00+00:00

I have yet to experience this personally. For me they always reveal themselves on the first or second date. I guess it’s better than having to put up with their long game.

subtlecuttlefish · 2020-04-19T13:56:18+00:00

This is so important. My ex partner of nearly four years was an amazing boyfriend for the first two. He was genuine, kind, attentive, thoughtful, made a lot of effort. We waited three months for sex and he was always respectful around it. He was consistently very supportive of me doing my masters degree and cheered me on during the tough times. He was there for me when my pet had to be put to sleep. He introduced me to his friends and family who I liked and got on with, and who welcomed me. He encouraged and celebrated my hobbies and achievements. Even though we had to be long distance for a year he drove 2.5 hours to see me most weekends and we facetimed nearly every night. He had a career freelancing and seemed to be doing well out of it, was hard working and enterprising. Green flags all the way, not a red flag in sight, no bad gut feelings.

It was only after we moved in together after two years that the red flags arose - I discovered that he wasn't doing any financial planning or budgeting. None. Sometimes that happens, not everyone has a great financial education. But when I showed him how to budget and did some household food planning, he did not take it on board.

The living situation he was supposed to organise for us after my graduation was extremely shady and when I insisted we move out because of my safety concerns a couple of weeks later (and offered to pay the whole deposit and did all the legwork for finding a new place myself) he got very defensive.

He would go along with things big and small that I suggested (a new pet, a trip to see my family, buying a type of alternative accommodation together) that we had an open discussion about but then at the last moment (I'd already bought the tank, we were already in the car, we were already at the consultation) he tell me he wasn't actually comfortable about it! You had every opportunity to raise this earlier??

And then over the course of the last year of living together he gradually stopped responding to messages and funny things I sent him even though he was constantly on his phone. He stopped telling me sweet things. He stopped initiating sex. He stopped taking me out to places. I believed him when he said he was depressed and struggling with worry after having had some freelance work fall through - and of course I tried to help and support him how I could/encouraged him to reach out to therapists, friends and family. But it didn't make any difference. Most people have a bad day/week/month but decent people will take ownership of it and not let it dictate their mood and how they treat you for any longer than necessary.

Then I discovered he was cheating 🤷🏻‍♀️. Boy, bye.

This is why it's so, so important to not move in with someone without having your "shit hits the fan plan" in place. This is why it's important to have your emergency funds and to have a career, hobbies and a social network. I didn't think it would happen to me because I thought I could spot these guys coming a mile away, we had done everything right and the ONLY reason I wanted to live with him was that I had built up that love and trust over a long period of time (I could have afforded my own place if I'd needed to). The only reason I stuck around to work on it was that I believed him when he said the issues were communication, mental health and job worries. But if they're consistently not communicating and sorting their lives out like an adult and/or they do something shitty like cheat on you BELIEVE THE EVIDENCE OF YOUR OWN EYES. They're not "having a bad time right now", they've unfolded. Because people that have your best interests at heart DO NOT do these things and they don't suddenly start treating you badly because of external circumstances. Anyone can behave under perfect conditions - when things get a little hard for them, are they still as great?

edit: some formatting

keithmorrisonsvoice · 2020-04-18T19:49:40+00:00

I just posted about this earlier -are they lvm until proven otherwise? How long does the vetting last? You really don’t know someone at 3 or 6 months. I’ve seen some posts on here that say vetting lasts for a year.

Title	It’s not always possible to have fast confirmation of low value behaviour. Which is why it’s important to vet and CONTINUE to vet throughout your relationship.
Author	BasieSkanks
Upvotes	147
Comments	37
Date	April 18, 2020 2:50 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g3opg6/its_not_always_possible_to_have_fast_confirmation/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/its-not-always-possible-to-have-fast-confirmation.722351 https://theredarchive.com/post/722351

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