Learn from me (and looking for some moral support after my breakup)

aquietsword · 2022-01-31T06:13:33+00:00

To anyone who is a secret gf for cultural reasons, ask the guy if anyone else in his family has married outside the culture or if he would be the first. If he would be the first move right along.

Platipus6 · 2022-01-31T04:08:57+00:00

If you gotta build a man and send him to therapy and struggle before the relationship can even start ... 😬

ultblue7 · 2022-01-31T04:13:52+00:00

As someone from a similar cultural heritage, I’m sorry he wasn’t up front with you and truthful about the situation to begin with. Although my family’s culture is a little different, there is still very much a few expectations that they try to preserve.

First is to respect elders, second is to marry within race and religion, third is probably to never divorce. As you can see, a lot of what he said is directly conflicting with these three things. I’m sorry to hear he kept leading you on with the impression that these things would change because I guarantee you; he knew better than to promise that. Some families are more accepting but his clearly isn’t if he has to literally move back in to protect his mother. It is also not an issue readily solved by “talking to them.” It usually requires much more drastic action in my experience.

As someone dealing with a similar culture and being American, I am upfront about it and have had to force my parents to accept that my future partner is solely my choice. I haven’t found success in dating yet either but there alot of things he could have done differently. My heart goes out to you.

FUBARfromLSA · 2022-01-31T02:42:35+00:00

Don’t beat yourself up, I dated a man from another culture and religion and had pretty much the same scenario.

The cultural differences clouded the picture for me too, and sounded so reasonable I stayed much longer than I should.

I think the bottomline lesson is regardless of the cultural differences, our expectations and standards shouldn’t change.

jupitarianrise · 2022-01-31T03:08:50+00:00

It’s not uncommon for lvm to use their mothers as an excuse for their poor behaviour. I couldn’t hold an ex accountable because his mom suddenly had cancer (she didn’t have cancer, imagine lying about such a thing).

It’s always a female relative who is sick, or in a bad place mentally. Lvm have no shame, it’s one of their tricks.

The fact that he stopped therapy is a red flag. He stopped because he couldn’t face himself and recognize his own faults. It screams fragile ego and emotional immaturity to me.

He was indeed hiding you from his family. Lvm of colour want to have their cake and eat it too: date a white woman for fun, but bring home a submissive woman of colour who will do all the chores etc without complaining, as his own mother did.

What a disgusting way to see women.

dating-adventures · 2022-01-31T16:54:51+00:00

Unfortunately - and I say this because I’ve seen this happen - some men from South Asia and MENA (or of those backgrounds) will string along American women for months and years, only to marry a woman from their own background later. They view American women as “fun” material and women from their own background as “serious” material. It’s messed up. I’m sorry he wasted so much of your time.

thewetdog_ · 2022-01-31T02:25:34+00:00

The details of your situation are more suited for AskFDS.

That said, couples therapy is for married people who have family and spawn and finances intertwined and have spent loving, happy years but things turned to the point of needing mediation.

Couples therapy for a dating relationship or an engaged relationship is an absolute no go. Just break up. Likewise if one of you needs therapy in order to maintain the relationship. Just end it. If your issues are complex and impactful enough to negatively impact and derail your dating relationships you need therapy without dating. Sit the next year out and work on yourself.

Needless to say don’t stick by a man while he sorts though his issues and baggage that you have nothing to do with. Tell yourself You literally didn’t know this guy a year ago.

Women need to become okay with just breaking up. End it. Leave. Dump him. Don’t beat the horse until the bitter end. Don’t drag him to therapy to try to pay to have someone else convince him that he’s treating you wrong in the hopes he’ll change. He knows.

ifhewantedtohewould · 2022-01-31T05:44:42+00:00

Never date an unstable man. No HVM would be ready to date until they’ve gotten any issues sorted out and received therapy until a clear and positive resolution. I’m unsure as to why you didn’t end things when he 1. Told you he had difficulty reconciling between his American and Indian sides and 2. When he quit therapy because it’s “too expensive” (he’s too lazy) to continue. Aside, therapy will not fix an already broken relationship. We don’t fix men. Anyway, I’m glad you saw your value and stopped being the secret girlfriend. Don’t beat yourself up. Now you have this valuable lesson for the potential next time this may happen. Freedom!!

katiekat0214 · 2022-01-31T15:20:44+00:00

I see several red flags here:

-- if you asked from the start how his parents would feel, girl, it won't work out. There are some cultures that are very far apart, and I think Indians and North Americans are far, far apart in every regard: family, culture, marriage, treatment of women, etc. There was a thread on here not long ago, last week in fact, about how every single South Asian woman would not at all date a South Asian man. The misogyny is just too strong, too ingrained.

-- moving back in with parents. He has not established independence in any meaningful way.

-- concern for mother's safety so you know right there that abuse is going on, and has been going on for some time. How much has he learned how to abuse from his father and/or from other males?

-- he kept putting off meeting his parents, so stringing you along. Failure to set a firm date means he had no intention of having you meet his parents, since you weren't Indian.

-- stopping therapy after TWO meetings? no intention of going through with it, no intention of confronting his issues. He made a half-hearted effort to appease you, and knew it would fail. Yet another brick in the wall, and another reason to break up.

CandidKick · 2022-02-01T04:42:58+00:00

Maybe it is because of my family’s background but this is a bit complicated to me.

I will first start off by saying that him saying therapy was too expensive when he makes 140K sounds more like 1) a dishonest excuse to ditch therapy and 2) that he does not value therapy (this can spill over into not valuing good communication, feelings, etc.) That coupled with him failing to disclose from the beginning what ‘working through it’ would actually like points to a lack of maturity on his part.

As for him moving in with his parents in order to protect his mother: I understand why you did not give specifics but he may need to keep heavy topics under wraps while trying to successfully rescue his mother.

It sounds like at best he is too occupied with difficult family matters to give you what you are looking for right now. At worst, he lied and strung you along to get what he wanted without a care for how that would affect you.

I am sorry you went through that but hopefully this situation helped to clarify your standards and expectations going forward in the dating world (such as looking for a relationship you don’t have to hide, a man that values mental health and in-laws that you can have a relationship with).

afr2k · 2022-06-10T22:12:53+00:00

I am sorry that happened to you. That sucks, and dont beat yourself up about it. Even if you had doubts and could habe left sooner, it was a lesson learned. I made the same mistake, but it ended amicably. Its okay to make mistakes.

Title	Learn from me (and looking for some moral support after my breakup)
Author	Bananabreadandchill
Upvotes	300
Comments	28
Date	January 31, 2022 2:13 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/sgpja0/learn_from_me_and_looking_for_some_moral_support/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/learn-from-me-and-looking-for-some-moral-support.1098800 https://theredarchive.com/post/1098800

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