Hi guys, I'm still relatively new to FDS, so please bear with me (and I'm so so sorry in advance for how long this is going to be). I just wanted to report/vent about a recent breakup I went through with who I thought was a HVM (who clearly ended up not being one). If anyone has any tips on earlier signs I could have picked up on, please advise - ya girl is feeling hopeless for the future right now.

Background: Met this guy 2 months ago - and he displayed all the signs of an HVM - I didn't spend a cent during the time we dated, he took me to nice dinners, brought me to basketball games, took me hiking, cooked me dinner at his place, was respectful of all my boundaries, planned futures dates before the current one ended. I didn't sleep with him until a month in, when exclusivity was established. I was very clear early on about what I was looking for and what my dealbreakers were. I was lied to and cheated on not too long before meeting him, so I was honest about that and told him that honesty was an absolutely must for me. Same went for respect for women. He responded to both with long follow-ups about how those were things I would never have to worry about with him and his family (honesty and transparency are very important to him, he was raised by a single mom who ran a multimillion dollar company department so he was pre-wired to be attracted to strong independent women, etc etc). He never pushed his desires onto me, and in fact made me pause a few times with how easygoing he seemed whenever I made a request (namely, when I told him I wanted to cut back on the number of times we saw each other during quarantine). Prior to quarantine we were seeing each other every other day.

Potential other red flags that made me hesitate before exclusivity:

  • He talked about his exes a lot, but initially not directly about them. He had been dating someone for 5 years through the end of college that ended 2 years ago, and he would bring up his experiences WHILE he was dating her. So I kind of let it go because I thought "well those were formative years for him."
  • When I asked how his last 2 serious relationships ended, he essentially put all the blame on them, and the only things he did wrong was be too much of a pushover (the first ex started compulsively lying to him, the second ex was extremely insecure and would constantly accuse him of cheating with his female friends).
  • A week into dating (the night before our 4th date), I saw on his Bumble (how we met) location that he was in a different location than his apartment, even though he had texted me that night and said the next evening during our dinner date that he was watching Netflix and simply fell asleep on the couch. This one was clearly a lie (one that I never addressed) and honestly made me a bit uncomfortable throughout the entire relationship. However, because exclusivity was not established, I figured he was probably on another date, and I let it go because it would have been hard to tell the truth here (which obviously is a mistake I will never make again).

The shit: So when lockdown officially started in my city (2 weeks ago), I also unexpectedly had to start studying for a big exam. So I told him I wanted to cut down on the number of times we saw each other from once every other day to once a week because we were supposed to be sheltering-in-place, and I was also just going to be too busy. He again agreed in an extremely easygoing manner, saying he felt that it was safe because we were both careful, and that the only people he was still seeing were me and his cousin, but that ultimately - the decision was up to me.

But going into that first week of not seeing him as often was when I started to get weird vibes from him. We went from texting constantly every day to way less. Granted, I took a lot longer to reply BECAUSE I WAS STUDYING. However, he (someone who has a chill job and is sitting in his apartment all day) also started to reply in 1-2 hours. This gave me a bit of anxiety, but I chalked it up to him having more Zoom/Facetimes with friends/family due to quarantine. A few times in the evenings, he would tell me that he, again, didn't reply to be because he "fell asleep on the couch watching Netflix."

Both nights we were supposed to see each other, he tried to arrange for an early dinner due to a last minute family zoom. The first time, it was a Zoom Seder, so I let it go. The second time, I got pissed, letting him know I was disappointed that he did not keep his evening free even though he knew I only had one day off my week of studying. He immediately texted back a lengthy apology (to which I did not reply). 30 minutes later, he told me he had rescheduled the Zoom to an earlier happy hour time. By the way, I don't know if any of these things are real.

So I met up with him. Vibes were a little off that second date, and I felt my level of anxiety increase. I honestly had thoughts of breaking up during the date. But it wasn't really anything tangible enough to be definite - he still made me a nice dinner, was still respectful. Just - something was off and I didn't like it. The next day, he texts me good morning as always, I reply 4 hours later (was taking a practice test). He is MIA for 5 hours. I get pissed, go on my finsta, see that he has a new story posted, but I can't see it from my personal account, indicating he BLOCKED ME FROM SEEING HIS STORY. When I looked on my finsta, the story itself was relatively innocent - just a picture of his dog with another person's dog at a dog park. He tagged the other person.

Now, the other person is a woman. However, I am almost 70% sure they are just friends (their insta history dates back to 6 months before we met, and she is honestly not attractive and not someone I think he would go for). However, I do acknowledge the possibility of cheating. BUT - the real issue is the fact that he broke quarantine, went behind my back, and hung out with someone who was not his cousin. He knew how seriously I was taking the virus and quarantine, and knew that I would not see him even once a week if I knew he was still hanging out with other people, putting my health at risk during TEST PREP.

I got pissed then and there and decided to block/ghost him, but (at the advice of a friend) decided to wait and see what he texts me. Lo and behold, he texts me not 20 minutes later saying "sorry I got caught up in a Netflix marathon."

LIAR. My anger really got the best of me, and I blocked him on everything. I am honestly ashamed of this, but my friends convinced me to allow him the chance to speak, so 5 hours later, I just unblocked him on text and sent him "I originally blocked you, but because I felt we had a connection, I just wanted to allow you the opportunity to explain yourself. And why you lied. So if that's something you wish to do, I'm all ears."

The motherfucker didn't respond. He is a coward (although I do recognize my actions were very aggressive, and it would have been virtually pointless for him to respond. BUT, a kinder person would have. But then again, a kinder person would not have lied in the first place).

The aftermath: So he is once again blocked and out of my life. I guess what I'm having trouble grappling with is how this could have happened to me again (being lied to/potentially cheated on). When I was so careful and in my mind, did everything I could to protect myself. What could have prevented this? What more could I have done? I know it's not my fault - it's never your fault when someone is a little bitch, but I almost feel like I let myself down. Yes, there were those early signs I noted. But they were in such a grey area, and in the moment, I didn't want to let my past ruin a chance at a good relationship.

But I guess if there's anything I've learned throughout all this, it's that my gut is always right. ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. And I'm also just thankful that this only went on for 2 months, rather than 5 years or 1 year like with his exes (LOL @ him calling his ex insecure when clearly he MUST have done something to provoke her paranoia).