Reaching out for support

letsberealforamoment · 2020-07-21T16:21:25+00:00

You are in no position to be dating right now. For one, you are still emotionally attached to him so that isn't fair to anyone you might date. Secondly, the chances of you ending up with another abuser are very significant until you learn how to identify abusive behaviors and learn behaviors to avoid abusive relationships.

gracefullrose · 2020-07-21T16:20:28+00:00

Yes, it is hard but you should be so proud of yourself for making that big first step to reclaiming your self and your dignity. There are some recommended books to read which will help you find your inner strength. My first major GO-TO book is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.

I also read a few books about No Contact which I don't have any titles to recommend, but they pointed out how an abuser will use "agents" like friends or family members to pass along information to/about you which makes it difficult to stay strong and distant. But you got this, just ignore any of those people who don't show that they have your best interests in mind.

Fatt3stAveng3r · 2020-07-21T18:30:08+00:00

If you just left an abusive relationship you shouldn't be dating now. Even 3 months isn't enough time to move on. I'm saying this to be nice, honestly. I was in an abusive relationship myself and it took a lot of therapy to get me sane, get me to love myself, and understand WHY I was letting myself get put into that situation where abuse was ok.

FurryBellyButt0n · 2020-07-21T16:23:02+00:00

I am so happy you found FDS and reached out for support after such a challenging life experience. I want to affirm that it's okay to grieve and feel the range of emotions that come with a great loss as well as processing the abuse once the "brain fog" of the acute trauma you endured starts fading in the day-to-day minute-to-minute survival mode.

I would strongly encourage you read all the FDS handbook and guides. From there, connect on FDS threads to get clarification on practices or learn more about the specific behavior you have personally experienced while dating LVM/NVM so you can become more self-aware on yellow/red flags to avoid potentially toxic romantic and/or personal relationships moving forward.

The most important part of my healing journey, especially with chronic, persistent, yet "mild" forms of emotional abuse that wore and tore at my spirit, was to start investing my my personal growth and beginning to love myself just as much as I freely loved others that were important to me. I found loving myself just as much, if not more than anyone else, has been where I saw the most transformation in my life and really empowered me to be accountable with myself & my past so I feel confident starting a new chapter in the dating game. I refuse to not settle until I get the love I know I deserve from another person and I tried to reframe "being alone" and "living alone" in a positive light by upgrading my apartment, decorating, having "me dates", learning new hobbies, etc. . I do not focus on the destination of finding a potential partner, but rather accept that it WILL happen to me in this lifetime but I will not know when that moment will be, yet have faith it's going to occur.

I would also encourage therapy if that's possible and/or affordable for you. In the USA and many states, there are free counseling services for those who experienced abuse and in my county, there is no "statue of limitations" for when you can take advantage of this service so I was able to get around 5-8 free counseling sessions to process an abusive relationship I experienced almost 10+ years ago. I would encourage you to research any local options if finances are a concern or also look online for virtual support groups or peer mentor structures to access free or low cost mental health care.

Take care of yourself first and foremost. Healing will take time and enjoy the small victories day by day until it hurts a little more less and less. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace because you deserve to have your past experiences to serve as a learning moment rather than a memory rooted in shame. Know FDS is here and we hope that you give yourself the love and care you need to live your best life. You deserve that. <3

painmakesyoustronger · 2020-07-21T17:45:46+00:00

I would take a break from dating for now. Abusers and manipulators can sniff out vulnerability, and are attracted to it like vultures. I would read Why Does He Do That and heal until the void that is causing the attachment has been filled at a natural pace by things that bring you joy.

Good luck

indaazz1 · 2020-07-21T16:25:39+00:00

Congratulations for putting yourself and your health first and leaving the abusive LVM! I was stuck in an abusive relationship a few years ago and, while it can be difficult to move on due to the emotional trauma that you have been through, I can assure you healing and living peacefully is so important and so good for you. If you ever start thinking about the scrote and remember the few good times you had with him, please remind yourself immediately of the hell he put you through. This way you won’t be tempted to delude yourself into thinking you need him back in your life - because you don’t!

meecy166 · 2020-07-21T17:15:00+00:00

Op you’ve done amazing by leaving him, contacting the police and seeing a counselor. Three great steps, my advice is to read dangerous men and how to spot them, the gift of fear and why does he do that

dntbfllikeidid · 2020-07-21T18:32:35+00:00

Dating 3 months after a traumatic breakup? Terrible idea! You are in no psychological or emotional condition to be dating anyone right now. Grieving takes time and you shouldn’t start anything with anyone while you are still grieving from the previous relationship.

socalqueenofcheese · 2020-07-21T16:24:48+00:00

You're in the shit now. Just know if you keep doing the right things you'll get past it. Keep seeing a therapist, read books that inspire, work on yourself, do things that make you feel good, read FDS constantly, check out Dr. Ramani on YouTube (specialized in narsacists), research trauma bonding.

I was also fortunate enough to get to go to a Spiritual healing retreat. Which sent me next level. Even if this isnt an option for you being able to do the hard work involved to get better WILL make you better. Feel free to DM if you'd like to chat or if you'd like more details. Good luck lady. Sending you healing vibes.

2020-07-21T17:07:58+00:00

I’m proud of you for leaving! It’s incredibly difficult but you’ve done the right thing. I agree with past commenters that you should seriously pump the breaks on dating for the time being. Get yourself in a good position mentally and emotionally and then dip your toes back in the dating pond. Also, read some the FDS reading list as well as the FDS sidebar. They have some great info!

nonchalantasian · 2020-07-22T01:21:02+00:00

I completely agree with others that at this point you should not be dating. You mentioned that your psych stated you’re still in a grieving process and that alone is daunting. Dating on top of that would only further create more emotional baggage.

I literally left a two and a half year mentally and physically abusive relationship and vowed to myself I wouldn’t do it again to only get back into another long ass abusive relationship because I jumped back into dating way too soon.

I’ve officially been single for almost a year and a half and I still feel like I haven’t healed.

When you start to miss him, remind yourself of all the shitty things he has did to you that if he was a HVM. You wouldn’t have had to press charges.

Trust me on this, I am so so glad that we both got away. People are crazy.

AfraidofFollowers · 2020-07-22T02:54:02+00:00

My ex husband left in handcuffs. It took 11 months to date. It’s been nearly 4 years now and I still struggle trusting people and I need reassurance often.

These past 4 years have been the best 4 years of my life. No abuse, I’m safe, and he is nonexistent.

Try to enjoy life. Life does not begin and end with men.

Ms_Tilly · 2020-07-21T21:33:20+00:00

It's very early. It took me at least a year to mentally let go of my abusive ex. Writing down every instance of abuse I could think of was a huge step in my recovery process. I didn't think to do that for a long time, but noticed thoughts of the abuse wouldn't go away. They basically went away when I wrote it out.

Wise-Jelly · 2020-07-22T06:32:32+00:00

I totally agree, it's been almost a year and I still seem to compare current dates with my ex. It's so insidious and makes me think that I'll never find anyone "better". I think it's also a coping mechanism for going out with assholes (they never measure up to the level of intimacy and "care" you had with your ex); at the same time, the comparisons are destructive because no new partner appears to be good enough or worthy in the ways you thought your ex was. (esp in the love-bombing phases)

zagreus8me · 2020-07-21T19:26:11+00:00

Hey, well done on doing what you did. I'm currently only two weeks out of a mental and emotional abusive relationship. I'm still processing it. I cut all contact but still find that I am missing him as part of me is still attached to him (I was with him for 15yrs). I think you should look after yourself right now and leave off dating until you are healed. In the long run you will be better off for it and less likely to attract the wrong kind of partner. Hope you are doing well.

Title	Reaching out for support
Author	nat890
Upvotes	48
Comments	41
Date	July 21, 2020 3:30 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hv9dvq/reaching_out_for_support/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/reaching-out-for-support.716011 https://theredarchive.com/post/716011

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