When telling my ex he was hurting my feelings or upsetting me, I always had to explain at great length and with great patience WHY what he was doing was wrong or hurtful. It was literally a whole ass comprehensive debate about why this was a bad thing to do to someone. But hadn't I considered his side??? He was just trying to help! He didnt mean it like that! Are you sure? He was just upset. He didnt phrase that very well! Change is so hard you see, couldnt I be more helpful to him? I needed to call him out, be more patient, try to see things his way, etc.

In retrospect it's so obvious that he actually didnt care at all.

The first time I actually admitted to my current partner that he was upsetting me he was sorry immediately JUST because I was upset. I was SHOOK. The sheer fact that I was upset was reason enough for him to care. Instead of a bunch of verbal sparring I got an apology, a hug, and an instant change in behavior. And he's never done it again.

Any person can act like this IF THEY ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT YOU. If your partner wants to turn you disclosing genuine hurt feelings into a debate they dont care about your feelings, they just want to feel right and protect their ego.

If you have to put in all the work, have a PowerPoint presentation, a puppet show, interpretive dance, a formal debate, whatever, for your partner to acknowledge your feelings or agree to a reasonable request for changes in behavior, just stop. Dont waste your time. He doesnt care and you cant convince him to.