Thoughts...

fancypantsdance92 · 2020-08-23T00:15:31+00:00

I dated a 34 year old when I was 20. Yes it was abusive. Yes it was predatory. No women his own age didn't want him.

Sage_Planter · 2020-08-22T23:14:32+00:00

Between 22 and 30, my life drastically changed. For me, the biggest issue with this age difference is she doesn't know who she is or what she wants whereas he's already established. When I was her age, I was dating a 27 year old who went to college in his mid-twenties. We had both just graduated and were starting our careers phase which worked out well. BUT at 27, he knew exactly how he wanted to live his life, and I wasn't sure if it was the life for me. That's why I broke up with him. I could see so many young women just going along with whatever plan her older man has, though.

Another issue is what happens later in life. There can be a big difference between a 62 year old and a 70 year old. A lot more burden may be put on her as he ages in their later years.

JunjiMitosis · 2020-08-22T21:56:23+00:00

It’s two very very different stages of life and that’s why I and others find it predatory. A 22 year old is just finishing their bachelors, internships, careers. They’re truly fresh adults. At 30 you’re old enough to have been in your “adult” life for 8 years. You’re almost a decade older than your partner and in a whole different generation.

My views on age gap dating has changed ALOT in the past few months as I’ve come to see how a lot of the time the older person in the age gap is using the inexperience of the younger in order to take advantage of them. I do think that once you reach a certain age,32ish and up, it doesn’t really matter much until you start getting waaaaay up there. Like even with my current bf (I’m 20 almost 21 and he’s 25) I find the age gap to put a strain on somethings

luvmyvulvaxoxo · 2020-08-22T22:01:05+00:00

[deleted]

daisy_0720 · 2020-08-23T06:38:28+00:00

"Reddit, please tell me I'm not a creep so I don't have to feel bad about myself or engage in any form of self-reflection."

enchantedglow · 2020-08-23T02:48:06+00:00

A woman in her early twenties dating a man in his 30s is just a huge no. They are in completely different stages of life. She is just beginning hers meanwhile he is most likely looking to settle down (and if he's not looking to marry at 30+ then... red flag). I recently turned 21 and I wouldn't date anyone 25+, even 25 I'm a bit wary of. It just seems too predatory and makes you wonder why he can't get a woman his own age and/or why he prefers to date someone 5+ years younger.

GlobalDynamicsEureka · 2020-08-22T22:28:35+00:00

On this subject, what about the reverse? I am a senior in college. I am a veteran. I went back to school after getting out. I am good-looking. Most people at my "stage of life" are in their twenties. I have always dated younger. My STBX husband is 7 years younger than I am. The age gap was not the reason we separated. It was mostly the fact that he never wanted to do anything and resented me for wanting to make friends when we moved to a new state. (Because he's all I need, right? /s)

shedragoness · 2020-08-22T22:02:16+00:00

Note: this is posted in PPD. Go ahead and...y’know...

nurse_sammi · 2020-08-23T00:59:52+00:00

I'm always quite interested in reading the discussion here around age gap relationships, because I am in one for the first time! Our situation is a little more unusual than most. We live on a very remote island in Australia with 1500 people. There is no OLD here. Two restaurants, three pubs and the majority of people are indigenous. We both arrived about the same time - I am 40 and he is 55.

We both work in healthcare so we met at my work. A few days later and he approached me in the pub for a chat and that chat lasted all night. The first few months was literally him pursuing me and being really kind to me, and me blowing hot and cold because of the age gap. I was definitely hard work, lol. But he is such a lovely and patient man, after about 5 months I had to admit I was in love with him. It's been another year, and I can confidently say we are very much in love.

I think part of the reason I am so in love with him is that after dating a bunch of boys (I'd usually date 5 years younger than me), he's a real man. He's confident and caring and giving. He has more stamina in the bedroom than any man I have dated (i.e. not porn sick like the younger ones I have dated). He fully accepts every single part of me the good, the bad and the ugly. He was in the army for 12 years so he's fit and active (unlike most men his age here).

Obviously we will not both be living up on this island forever. We are both here for job opportunities and given the pandemic, have ended up here a lot longer than we both planned (there are no cases here, very minimal restrictions and it's a very safe place to be in the world.. not to mention we are both making good money and saving a lot). I do wonder what will happen when we leave here. I'm very happy in my job here and he's been looking for a job on the mainland since I met him. We talk about our future together for sure... but when he leaves, I've told him I'm not going to immediately pack up and follow him - I'll give it a few months and see how I feel.

Question for us is whether this is just an extended holiday romance or whether it would work in the "real world". But in any case, I'm so grateful for him and what he has taught me about love and giving and sex and relationships.. and what it has taught me about myself. I was in a bad place when I moved here and he loved me regardless. He's shown me that I can be myself, have boundaries, and the right man will still love me.

Part of me feels this relationship is just setting me up for "the one". Since I don't want kids, I don't feel any pressure to end it and move onto the next. It's wonderful to enjoy being in love and have such an incredible connection with him. He understands all of this and his main priority is for me to be happy, even if it means us not being together one day. I do feel very blessed but there are certainly challenges being in a relationship with such a big age gap.. even when the man is incredible. He's the love of my life so far.

idiosyncraticg1 · 2020-08-23T02:59:13+00:00

This is a huge age gap. At 30 you have your shit together (presumably), at 22 you’re just starting your adult life out. Some 22 year olds still live with their parents. I’m in my mid 20s, have a lot of years to go until I reach 30, and I wouldn’t date a 22 year old. I have no interest in hearing how their internship or job hunt is going, or how annoying their roommates are.

PottyMouthx · 2020-08-23T18:43:14+00:00

I think that relationship with an age gap can definitely work and you can have shared interests/values/activities/goals. Not everyone wants to marry and have kids at 30.
Some of the most important compatibility factors are individual, not generational BUT.... as shmarhar pointed out if man is the older one he's often a predator.

Men who seriously date older women are usually want a mature partner they can respect and learn from. They don't see a woman as less valuable bcs of her age.

Men pick younger women as easy fresh meat prey.

For comparison sake think of Brigitte and Emmanuelle Macron. They have shared interests, values, they love and respect each other.

Melania and Donald Trump - she was a young immigrant model and he was rich and took advantage of her desire to do better in life. He divorced his 1st wife, he cheated on Melania and he doesn't treat her well (based on her reactions to him). It's a trophy wife story.

princessskittyxoxo · 2020-08-22T22:21:56+00:00

It's hard to say. More often than not, I think age gap relationships are predatory on the man's part. Do I think they are 100% off limits tho? No.

When I was 19 I dated a guy who was 34. I had JUST got out of an abusive relationship & wasted no time moving on. I pursued this guy. He seemed into me. Took me to Starbucks & the zoo for our first "date." I waited a month or so to boink him. Very quickly it deteriorated. Once I was sure I was really into him, the honeymoon phase was over. He withdrew affection, started acting all groggy & depressed every time I came over. Wouldn't cuddle me, chicken peck kisses, claiming he's just not affectionate. Gave me a promise ring. Never got engaged after 4 years on & off. Always complained about spending money on me, even made me pay him back sometimes. Acted weird in public, wouldn't go by the seal tank with me at the zoo because he "didn't like crowds" yet had a history of going to strip clubs, baseball games, concerts, etc. He would go out to "dinner" & "trivia night" with his married friends & coworkers but never brought me. I never even met his friends. Later found "barely legal" porn stash & secret social media accounts he refused to add me to. Once he found out I was ring shopping with my new man, he stopped talking to me LOL.

Age 24 I started seeing a guy who was 48. No formal education but working as a machinist for about 30 years. Made good money, car, house. My mistake was being the one to pursue him & show interest in the beginning but I think I just got lucky this time because he started chasing me not long after. He turned out to be high value to me, never lets me pay for dinners, buys my groceries, paid what was left to pay for my college tuition after financial aid & such, paid for books, sometimes takes my car for gas & a wash, bought my suit for when I started with job interviews, buys myself & my daughter pretty much everything we need. I wouldn't have been able to get a Bachelors & a Masters without his help. Right now I'm making more than him because his hours got cut but he still pays for these things. Oh & he's never been to a strip club & I've never caught him with porn. His phone is full of albums of my selfies & nudes. Lets me use his phone openly. Also kind to animals - he feeds the neighborhood cats & takes them to the vet so they can eventually go to a shelter. We have been together 5.5 years & still going strong.

It really depends on the guy. But majority of the time I think they are like the ex I mentioned.

Deva-Shuni · 2020-08-23T14:57:43+00:00

I will always assume there is something critically wrong with someone your age that prevents you from dating peers, which is why you’re dating a relative child.

Yes it’s fucking gross.

I started college when I was 13, and I used to think that meant I was precocious enough to justify wild age gaps. Then I hit around 25 and realized that that is total bullshit. There is no replacement for life experience nor any shortcuts to amend generational gaps. When you’re below 30, every year between you and your partner is relevant. The closer to 20, the bigger those years are in proportion to the age of the younger party.

It’s really not that difficult to understand when you’re an adult thinking about the difference in yourself between those ages. And if you feel like you’re a slow bloomer, so dating younger suits you... stay away from children while you learn to keep up with your peers?

Noemie_Mathilde · 2020-08-24T04:49:11+00:00

I have been in a positive age gap relationship (16 years older and a HVM), some of the things this man should ask himself include:

Are you letting the woman make her own decisions in the relationship?
Do you actively support her dreams and personal growth?
Do you have similar interests and hobbies?
Do you treat her like a Queen?
Are you high-value?
Do you have lots of money to pay for your own nursing and medical care if you have health problems in the future and don't expect your younger wife to care for you?

CassieGreen85 · 2020-08-22T21:52:05+00:00

[removed]

Title	Thoughts...
Author	shedragoness
Upvotes	75
Comments	24
Date	August 22, 2020 9:51 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ier7yx/thoughts/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/thoughts.167801 https://theredarchive.com/post/167801

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