Been upping my game on all fronts these last few months.

I'm lifting very heavy, everyday at lunch, but realized my bf% needs a focus, so I'm focusing on a cut, and have been very strict on my food for over a week now and have changed compound to isolation until December 1st.

Took the family on a huge two week trip this summer. Just got our finances organised and we're working together on a big trip for the kids next year.

Working hard on getting a promotion at work for the last two months. There's a chance for movement in January, so I'm making extra efforts. Also doing some extra work on the side for the last couple years. I was able to push for an increase in pay and was given a bonus after renegotiation.

Stopped drinking alcohol since September. Nothing more than an exercise in Willpower and discipline. Will allow a treat once Xmas is here.

Going to bed at decent hour for two weeks now. Trying to be healthy.

Hanging with new friends. Getting out on my own. Being social and active.

Off the TV except two shows I watch weekly. Using my freed up time to learn 3d scanning and printing. Fun, plus I may be able to turn my efforts into money.

Revisiting a book I finished writing over a year ago. Final glance before I finally get over my fear of innadequacy and submit it to a publisher.

Enrolled the kids in judo. Expensive, but it's good for them. Making every effort to help them with homework and having fun with them. Giving them more energy than ever before.

Here's the problem:

I have little time for sitting on my butt(a good thing), and even less for the wife. I have tried to give her what's left of my time, but there's not much. And honestly, I don't have the enthusiasm. She's fat and lazy. Never goes to the gym, and started the habit of driving two blocks to her job instead of walking. I've encouraged her by inviting her. Shrug.

I'm not attracted to her, and it's an effort on my part to get it on. When we do, I tend to give her starfish sex. She got mad the other day, when she realized I only initiated when the circumstances were unrealistic. Example, 5 minutes before the Kids get home off bus, while I had an hour to make my move. I only clued in myself when she pointed it out and clued in on other occasions. She argued that I was making her the bad guy for having to say no. I suggested she call my bluff and put out. But she was right. I was manipulating my way out from having actual sex.

When she even slightly presses my buttons in any way, I'm gone. I get up and I'm out doing one of the dozen things I'm currently working on.

We've had a couple arguments this months. While I used to get fished in and actively argue, now I just get up and find something else to do. She is getting very little of my energy or attention, and I'm bothered by how little I care. It's been dwindling since mid summer.

But she got me good tonight. I was very tired and over extended myself on all fronts. A cold has flushed through the house, for which I think I'm now getting a turn at. So tonight she needed energy, even if it was anger, she needed something from me. She saw i was weak and poked and jabbed until she struck a soft spot. And I finally blew up. I popped. I totally lost my cool. I didn't berate her or call her out. I just shouted how I'm giving my everything and it's still not enough. I think I said it three different ways before I caught myself and finally got the hell outta there.

Which reminds me. I limit Fapping to once a week at most. I'll admit, it feels empowering to deny her my load at times as I don't feel she deserves it. This is not healthy for either of us.

Ok. Victim puke over. My cup is empty now that I spewed it all out in text. I feel like a schmuck, breaking like that tonight. I'm the bad guy too now, flipping out in front of threes kids like that.

So here's the actual question. Despite figuring everything else out. All the things I can control, I'm still angry. After over 3 years, how can I still be in the anger stage?! I really thought I was better than this.

Ok. Good.