tldr; 5 years married, she cheated on me "once" while i was out of town. lied for 2+ years to "protect" me. Now she has come clean, realizes she has done super wrong and is looking to me as to how to make this right to continue the relationship. Now what? (As for what I want, see the bottom of my post)

Long story: My wife and I have been married 7.5 years. We met in college, she showed signs of interest, I reciprocated and she responded with a no, I pursued her into a yes. We were married a few years later, and honestly we did fight a lot, sometimes really bitter messy fights. Other than that, I'd say the relationship was fairly average-- I made OK money (~70k a year, always 2x or more than her), we have a comfortable but not rock star life, we fight about the things that pretty much every couple does.

In one way we were unique though: I am a (diagnosed) porn addict, and have progressed in my disease from the position "Porn is something men do, deal with it" to "This is a disease that is killing me and everything i love, this shit has to go." and to be honest, I am on the road to defeating it and she knows it. This disease has lead her to "feel unvalued, unappreciated and unattractive since the beginning"(her words). Early in our relationship I do see how I've communicated the message that I wish she were something else (basically a porn star, fill in the cliches). In the past two years she has been super hard on me about this, she has basically told me to my face that I am a terrible human being and done the "I hate you, but dont leave me" dance where she'd say bad things about me, but also not want to be alone or "abandoned". She was basically taking her infidelity out on me.

Fast forward 5 years in to our relationship (2.5 years ago). Things had been fairly bad in our life, we had been fighting quite a bit, especially over money and we had somewhat recently separated our finances, because I was just sick of her spending habits and lack of earnings... She demanded expensive shit (top of the line makeup, clothes, vacations et. al.) and I didnt want to pay for it, especially because she only worked about 1/2 as much as I did and for not nearly as much per hr. I went out of town 2 times in close succession. First time I had to deal with some estate stuff from my father (he had long passed, but there was still legal stuff to sort out) . 2nd time to a conference to progress my career. She met this guy online (Hot or not), went for coffee a few times (he was from out of town). A part of what she had told me (paraphrased):

you were supposed to have my back but did not. We fought a ton, my thoughts and specifically emotions were not validated and overall I felt like I was of no worth to you, that you didn't view me as an equal and that didn't care enough to try and understand where I was coming from. This went on for years. Then I started talking with [him] and he just seemed to get me. He seemed to understand where I was coming from and what I felt (or at least he acted like it). I felt so starved for affirmation that I had value, that I mattered and that what I had to say was interesting and of value. All of this set me up for the affair. Again, I am not blaming you for my actions; they are my own. I am trying to explain what I felt and why I let myself get to a place where I cheated on you.

The next time I was out of town, she went to dinner with him, he took her back to "his friends house" (friend was out of town) and there they had (unprotected) sex, she went home and she claims she felt "disgusted" with her self, threw up repeatedly from the disgust of her self and decided that she would never tell me, to protect me from the pain of her horrible mistake and that she would just "torment herself" instead of hurting me too. She says that 6 months later he was back in town, she met with him "for the closure" to tell him it was over.

Fast forward again 2.5 years. We had a great xmas, time with the family, her and I got some really good talks in where she felt super valued, validated et. al. I am making great progress on my addiction (showing her I am able to beat it and that she is very important to me). We did lots of fun stuff and had some great sex. Later she says she has something to talk to me about, and I'm wondering what this is about, but eventually we sit down for an important heart talk and she tells me what happened. She is crying, exclaiming she is so sorry, never wanted to hurt me etc. She has repeated many times that she is disgusted with herself, thought she could handle it and just keep it a secret, but that its been eating her up inside and she now sees that she cannot be in a relationship with me and have a secret, it was one or the other and she wants the relationship.

To her credit

  • She has apologized profusely, is crying and seems genuinely sorry.
  • She seems to understand how this has been affecting the relationship and that she has fucked it up.
  • She came clean w/o being caught "in order to make our relationship better".
  • She has expressed a willingness to do anything to make this work, to make our relationship be for life, no matter what comes etc.
  • She has committed to working with a therapist to deal with the parts of her that lead her to acting out sexually and extramaritally to attain her "needs" (wants).

To her discredit

  • There is a subtext of "You cheated on me so many times with porn and [her affair] is just one instance". Basically she has said I've done as bad, many times. Which comes across as justification for her actions and a deep misunderstanding that if they're equally bad, anyone using porn would rather the real thing, but instead they use porn as a compromise between a form infidelity and ultimate cheating.
  • The relationship has been bad and she has used that as an excuse to go outside the relationship to fulfill her needs.

Naturally, I am devastated, I've poured all I have and am into this relationship. I feel like I have been deeply disrespected for 2+ years. I actually have felt really insecure over that time span and have asked her 12 or so times if she has or is cheating on me and she always flat out lied to my face "No" and often got indignant "Who do you think I am?... Now I know what you think of me!". I saw this guy on her facebook account and confronted her about it and she said "I dont know who he is, I thought I might and accepted his friend request and then never deleted it".

What I Want Naturally I want my wife, I wanted her the day I married her, I wanted to remain with her for life. I still want the woman I thought she was. But now there is this woman I'm married to, that is not the woman I married. Hiding this shit for 2 years has screwed her up. I am not sure if I can ever trust her again because she flat out lied for 2+ years. She used me in the timespan as a I paid for her education, room and board et al. She disrespected me to my face and jeopardized my health by having unprotected sex with him, then me and not having an STD test until much much later.

What I have done thus far : I have talked with her a few times; emotionally i am oscillating between denial and crying/feeling destroyed. I have basically told her what she has done is not ok, she has screwed up this relationship and the past two years, royally, that she may not get me back and even if she does it will emotionally involve me leaving her for a time to recover from her screw up.

I think I do want her, if I can be the dominant male in the relationship and I can have assurances she wont fuck up again. Though at this point I almost dont see the point in saving the relationship with her. -- If she is this kind of person, I dont want to be with her. The think that makes this a hard choice is that she is showing tones of remorse and claiming a desire to become the better woman that I do desire. I am willing to leave her if this cannot be attained.

Other Notes

  • She has had an emotional affair with our mutual friend in the past when we were going through a hard time
  • She has expressed sexual interest in several men over our relationship: My cousin, our housemate, that emotional affair friend, and a couple others

Edit: grammar formatting clarity.

Update:

I spoke with her at length tonight, about the affair. She explained to me it from day one, to a month or so later when she had sex to when she sought "closure".

New details:l from tonights conversation.

  • she saw him about 10 times in 2 months, sometimes when I was home (ie when I was not out of town, not when I was in the building).

  • she was physical with him from the first interaction, she kissed him on the first " date"

  • they had make out dates in the car

  • she said she thought of me all the way through it, yet never stopped

  • she said she was increasingly into him and they discussed sex in multiple occasions before it happened.

  • the night that she slept with him, she made out with him, gave him a blow job, he fingered her and he fucked her twice to his completion, not cumming in her. ( I dont believe this at all btw, she loves it when I come in her). She said she didnt have an orgasm, I buy this as she usually needs a toy in order to.

  • afterwards they did some dishes, talked casually and she drove him to his car (they were not at our house).

  • she next him the next day and he came into our house and she kissed him for 20 minutes and said a "goodbye", he was leaving town back to India .

  • about 6 months later (early 2013) he was back in town and she met him for coffee for "closure", she hugged him goodbye and said that this was over

  • in mid 2014 he contacted her (plate!) For more relations and she told him to go away to leave her alone. Its particularly harsh because if I understood right, he's married now and looking to cheat on his now wife. Maybe a doxing is in order?

  • she offered access to all her accounts, I've rejected it as I know she deleted everything anyways. She will just make other unknown accounts when she wants to cheat again. She claims she doesn't have the hot or not account anymore.

  • she deleted texts and call logs as the affair was happening, she was destroying evidence and hiding everything the whole time

  • sometime between then and now she deleted the cell phone bills for the months from sept 2010 to june 2011, longer than she is saying it lasted.

  • I definitely see this being an iceberg. I'm sure there is more, she revealed that it wasn't just coffee once and dinner+sex once, she revealed continued meeting with progressive escalation and her desire for it all through.