Alright boys and girls, I've been doing some reading and some thinking. Expect a quotation-heavy post, citation at the end if anyone's interested in checking out the book.

In pillsphere, we see a lot of talk about marriage, most of it negative. TRP/MRP almost exclusively describes the dangers of marriage and why it is a bad idea for men. On the other side of the fence, I also see many blue pillers who feel it's superfluous. In a sense, I think this is a generational phenomenon. We are casting off tradition and culture.

Don't get me wrong, marriage is a bloodsport. It's cage-free shark diving, it's underground boxing: it's not safe or for the faint of heart. Please note that I don't begrudge anyone their personal choice not to marry. With that disclaimer, here is the heart of my post: Marriage is a transformative entity. It is a chrysalis, a ship, a portal. A method of becoming, over time.

What if pillsphere (and the greater culture as a whole) is looking at marriage entirely wrong? I believe that we are. Marriage is not the same as an LTR. In fact, the way that it differs from the LTR is most relevant to my post.

  • "In seeking any covenantal relationship we must be willing to say 'yes' long before we have a clear idea of what such intimacy will cost us. Marriage is eternal, but it's also daily, as daily and unromantic as housekeeping. And in marriage, as in the monk's cell, acedia finds a good hunting ground." (Norris 53)

(Because this is not a common word: Acedia (n).: "Spiritual or mental sloth; boredom; apathy")

The author goes on to say that marriage is one continual, intentional "yes". Each moment is another "yes" to the relationship, and the important part is that the commitment was given up front, before you really know what the daily, "unromantic" aspects look like.

On a personal note, I'm on the sixth year of my relationship, and already it looks nothing like I thought it would-- nothing like the beginning. There is indeed something distinctly "unromantic" about the reality of continuing to love someone day in and day out, without fail: through illness, anger, pet peeves, relocation. I realize that I'm lightyears away from the kind of understanding that my grandparents married for 60+ years, or even some of you older PPDers, possess.

And then, if you would indulge me in one more quote:

  • "Paradoxically, human love is sanctified not in the height of attraction and enthusiasm but in the everyday struggles of living with another person. It is not in romance but in routine that the possibilities for transformation are made manifest. And that requires commitment. (Norris 63)

Marriage is transformative because it is necessarily subjugation of one's desires in service of the other. Love deepens and changes the participants over time. Through the quotidian aspects, marriage forges better people out of the spouses: we learn patience and deep kindness, forgiveness and resilience. There is really no other form of romantic relationship that will force this sort of deep growth from its participants.

Norris, Kathleen. The Quotidian Mysteries: Laundry, Liturgy, and "Women's Work". New York: Paulist, 1998. Print.