how important is attraction?

2022-11-15T01:03:30+00:00

Holy damn, can you please use paragraphs…?

JustaTcup · 2022-11-15T03:34:16+00:00

i have joined a dating site where i’m meeting very successful men, most with traditional values

Where on earth is THIS?? lol That's what I want to know.

But anyway, it's very very rare for men to be attractive AND successful. And if they are then you better be EXTREMELY attractive and on the same level as him in terms of upbringing.

Personally, I have no use for "handsome". It's only going to fade anyway. I find "driven" much more important.

Teacup000 · 2022-11-15T14:37:12+00:00

Based on your age and the fact I presume you're attractive (since you were with a very attractive man so long) I'd say you probably don't have to settle for one or the other. Granted, I would expect them to be less conventionally attractive than your ex.

My husband is very good looking and a great provider, and most of his friends are the same, though of course I think mine is the best. I actually know more eligible young men than I do young women.

A good sex life does so much for a relationship. If you're struggling to want to have sex with him now, the odds of you being excited to get it on in twenty years seem super low. I know for a fact my parents are still into each other in their forties. I want to have that too.

Side note: Forties is way too old for me but it's up to you to decide. It's maybe a good idea to give most a second date unless you're repulsed or something. First impressions are tough.

sunglasses90 · 2022-11-15T00:28:14+00:00

Attraction is very important. Mom is right though that after the mating like bunnies/honeymoon phase wears out you have to love their soul and who they are as a person to keep things going.

There’s nothing wrong with dating older, actually I recommend it generally. My fiancé is almost 10 years older and therefore is very financially stable (29 and 39). He’s a very good provider and protector. There is a point though where things start to go sideways with age gap relationships if you start going much older. You have to have self confidence and know how to hold your own. Know how to Recognize red flags and respond appropriately to them. Then there’s also the reality that when he’s 60 you’re going to be 40 and there’s a HUGE difference. It’s kind of unfair to you to either have to slow down life or become a widow too soon potentially simply due to age difference.

If you’re not attracted I wouldn’t entertain this guy and waste your time. I would also look at late 20’s to early 30’s for a partner just because you’ll have similar life experiences while still giving him enough leeway to have his stuff together.

Clipzy22 · 2022-11-14T23:50:10+00:00

Relationships don't work without attraction.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2022-11-15T02:24:34+00:00

"Attraction always dies when you grow older and can't be revived" is a myth. Nearly the entirety of /r/marriedredpill is dedicated to debunking this idea. You'll be able to make wiser decisions with this in mind. And definitely don't marry a guy you aren't attracted to - think how devastated you would be if you found out he secretly wasn't attracted to you! Let him find someone who is into him. Everyone wants to be desirable and desired.

sicrm · 2022-11-15T03:04:47+00:00

attraction is important to you so focus on finding someone you’re attracted too that can at least take care of himself financially.

AutoModerator · 2022-11-14T23:48:51+00:00

Title: how important is attraction?

Full text: So i 23F had a very handsome boyfriend, 31M 6’5, ripped that works out at the gym everyday & usually very sweet to me. at first he seemed to me like a very high value man. the problem is he was a bit of a narcissist and always wanted soo much attention - from everyone and anyone. and he could not even support himself financially, taking out loans to pay rent to continue to peruse his dream instead of getting a day job. which lead to me not even being attracted to him/wanting sex. i know that’s normal after a while and we had dated for almost 3 years but i think it came from me not feeling safe/stable or like i could trust his judgement. so i broke up w him. a lot of my friends couldn’t understand why or thought i would want to get back with him, but they’re also mostly feminist and the one girl that thinks more traditional like me was like if you didn’t want tot be the breadwinner in the relationship/put my own dreams on hold so i could support both of us, i made the right choice. going forward, i have joined a dating site where i’m meeting very successful men, most with traditional values. i just had my first date with one of them, and he is sweet, wants to support a family and you can tell he used to be very handsome, but he’s in his mid 40s and i don’t feel attracted. i have always liked older men, my boyfriend was 9 years older than me. but this is almost 20 years older than me and i feel like it’s too big of ange difference, even tho he would want to give me the life i want and children etc. i know i don’t have to date this guy but i was talking to my mom and she said after you’ve been with them for a while or marry them the attraction always fades and it’s more important to you how they treat you than how they look. i thought this would be an interesting topic for us to discuss. how important is it to be sexually attracted in the beginning? how common is it for guys to both be successful and attractive because i am struggling to find any that are both. i am seeming to find guys on either end of the spectrum very handsome but can’t provide stability or very stable and successful but not attractive.

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cast-away-ramadi06 · 2022-11-15T06:10:57+00:00

30-something guy's perspective here. As long as you don't find someone physically unattractive, there are more important things to build a relationship on. Men jokingly call it the crazy vs hot scale.

I think of love as a ratio of different types of love - from lust at one end to 'companionate' or 'old couple love' at the other end. It's not so much that physical attraction ends than it becomes relatively less important as the relationship progresses, but it still needs to be there at some level.

It also doesn't help that the aging process generally makes us less sexy: sun damage, gaining weight, health issues, sagging skin, and for men - also loosing their hair (most will have at least a receeding hairline by 50). It happens to all of us. This is also why smart people differentiate between sexy vs beautiful.

For what it's worth, the best sex I've had, and I'll admit that I've had too many sexual partners, was not always with the women I've found most attractive. The best sex I've ever had was hands down with my ex-wife. (Aside - I don't really like the whole number system and don't think in those terms during my inner monologue, but it can be helpful to illustrate the point and in this, I think of 5 as average). Objectively, most men would rate her between 6 to 8, depending on their preferences; she was very athletic and not very curvy. She was a solid 8 to me but with her as a person, she was off the charts until she started drinking. Anyways, I've also had some terrible sex with runway/print models and good sex with a woman I'd rate physically as average. All that to say, the quality of the sex I've enjoyed had less to do with the women's looks as long as I didn't find her unattractive and liked her personality.

AcceptableCourage370 · 2022-11-15T07:11:48+00:00

Hey,

This sounds similar to my story and I’ll give you some advice.

To highlight: I’m 26F who dated a 26M, I consider myself attractive but he is a male model. I broke up with him 2 weeks ago as we weren’t on the same page and he said he couldn’t offer me the security I needed right now. I love him but it’s not the right time for us.

Right now, it sounds like you’re operating from a place of fear. You’ve chosen to remove this guy who you thought was high value, but it sounds like he meant a lot to you. Now, every guy you meet it seems like they are “high value” but there’s no attraction there.

I’d say your mum has some valid points but what she suggests doesn’t sound like a fulfilling, loving marriage. You don’t want to live life thinking you married someone that you have to convince yourself to sleep with. It’s not fair on you or him, regardless of how much money he has.

Instead, I think if girls like us are in this situation, we remove the focus from these guys. Get to the gym, sort your hair out, read books, learn a skill. Another man who ticks all your boxes will come along or this man will come back better than ever.

You’re 23, you got bags of time. Unless you want a child and marriage in the next few years I’d say wait a while and become the best version of yourself, mentally and physically.

If you want to chat more - message me! I feel like we have a similar experience 💓

AcceptableCourage370 · 2022-11-15T07:12:02+00:00

Hey,

This sounds similar to my story and I’ll give you some advice.

To highlight: I’m 26F who dated a 26M, I consider myself attractive but he is a male model. I broke up with him 2 weeks ago as we weren’t on the same page and he said he couldn’t offer me the security I needed right now. I love him but it’s not the right time for us.

Right now, it sounds like you’re operating from a place of fear. You’ve chosen to remove this guy who you thought was high value, but it sounds like he meant a lot to you. Now, every guy you meet it seems like they are “high value” but there’s no attraction there.

I’d say your mum has some valid points but what she suggests doesn’t sound like a fulfilling, loving marriage. You don’t want to live life thinking you married someone that you have to convince yourself to sleep with. It’s not fair on you or him, regardless of how much money he has.

Instead, I think if girls like us are in this situation, we remove the focus from these guys. Get to the gym, sort your hair out, read books, learn a skill. Another man who ticks all your boxes will come along or this man will come back better than ever.

You’re 23, you got bags of time. Unless you want a child and marriage in the next few years I’d say wait a while and become the best version of yourself, mentally and physically.

If you want to chat more - message me! I feel like we have a similar experience 💓

TheBunk_TB · 2022-11-15T13:23:49+00:00

Do you honestly know what you find attractive?

Do you purposely try to find them unattractive?

VioletSongjatShariff · 2022-11-15T18:58:00+00:00

Personally I could never date someone, I'm not also sexually attracted to because a healthy relationship for me is both, emotional and physical. Yeah, it's totally normal that after years the physical attraction doesn't feel so new like in the beginning and you probably have less sex than in your "honey moon phase" but the basic things you were attracted to (it's not only about looks but also about charisma etc.) still stay the same. I would miss to have these things, if I dated someone just for their ability to care for a family.

Back2Faith · 2022-11-16T02:14:38+00:00

I would never date a man I wasn't attracted to, again. I did this in my teen years. My first boyfriend was very buff and girls swooned over him like crazy, but I honestly didn't care and found him unattractive myself. Then I met my husband.

We have been together over ten years and my heart still flutters when he walks through the door. Looks for change as people age, but I think being initially attracted to your partner goes a long way in keeping that spark alive as you both age and grow. When I look at my husband, I still see the hot young guy I met over ten years ago even if he's gained a bit of weight since then. I still want to jump his bones every second we are together and that makes both of us very happy.

Yes this man can offer you stability, but that's not going to mean much when you are viewing every sexual encounter as a chore in the future. And honestly having a relationship like that isn't fair to you, him, or what could be your potential children who would probably pattern their future relationships on yours.

Title	how important is attraction?
Author	Sarahhartttt
Upvotes	5
Comments	26
Date	November 14, 2022 11:48 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/yvgoys/how_important_is_attraction/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-important-is-attraction.1139819 https://theredarchive.com/post/1139819

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