New mom feeling resentful

WeWearMirrors · 2021-12-10T02:05:57+00:00

First of all, you are in the very hardest period right now. In a few weeks, your baby will settle and will begin to spend little (tiny) bits of time entertaining him or herself- trying to grab things, looking in mirrors, kicking on a blanket, etc etc. Both my kids were insanely hard at 8 weeks and got much easier at 10 weeks or so.

Maybe your husband doesn't understand what a difference he could make just by being home. Mine didn't. When he saw me working hard with the baby, he responded by working harder at work. So frustrating. I had to spell it out for him ..it really helped to arrange specific times, in advance, when he'd take the baby and leave me time to myself.

Also, could it be that your husband is trying to network with all these social events and is aiming at a promotion?

Jenneapolis · 2021-12-10T02:23:39+00:00

So I’m not a mother so take that for what it’s worth. However it seems like your resentment is building in part because of things you would like him to do that you have’t communicated, he should just “know.” You mention frustration because he should’ve come home at lunch or come home early, and resentment because you chose not to go to your party. All of that is understandable, but it seems it would help if you told him exactly what you need. I am sure you don’t want to feel like you are holding him back, but at some point there will be a huge blow up that will be worse than trying to just be honest. You got this!

uniq0rn_qlitter · 2021-12-10T23:47:16+00:00

Here’s my best advice. I have 2 under 3. Breastfed both.

Let go of expectations
Be specific about what you need. (ie; I need an hour nap alone when you come home. I need you to make dinner 3x a week. I need you to do bath time. I need you to do the laundry.) this will look different for every family but the more specific, the better.
Bed share especially if breastfeeding. I did with my second and got so much more sleep. Read la leches safe sleep 7 to do this safely. And baby wear!
Put it in your mind that you don’t have help. If something needs to be done, you do it. Waiting for your husband is going to build resentment.
Know this will pass. Once your baby is about 1 your husband can take on more responsibility but as an exclusively breastfeeding mom, it’s mostly on you at this point.
Take care of you. Find a way to shower once a day. Eat at least one good meal a day. Even if you eat when baby is on breast. Take a walk with baby a few times a week. Drink water. Call your friends to catch up. Watch a movie or show you like. Find the time to do things you love even if it’s at home and it’s you on the couch.
Forget about being the best mom in the world. You’re not. You never will be. Be the best mom you can be but know it will never be perfection.
Let things go and realize not everything needs to be an argument. If it’s really important and you’re struggling, say something. If not, just let it go.
Clean when you can but realize some things will just have to wait. Ask your husband to understand this during this stage of your baby’s life. Things will get better.
Always make time for intimate moments with your husband. You may not be in the mood. You may think you look awful, but if he’s approaching you for sex, he thinks your attractive and wants to do it. Give him that. And finally…

Try to enjoy these moments, even if they are difficult. They grow up so, so fast.

KombuchaEnema · 2021-12-10T00:23:19+00:00

Let him come home and see you in the state you’re in. Don’t try to be strong. Let him see the tears, the exhaustion, the struggling.

If he can witness all that and continue going out partying, he’s a bit heartless.

Noressa · 2021-12-10T19:23:38+00:00

The first trimester after the baby is born is some of the worst times you'll face as an individual. Your body is trying to heal, you've got a baby on you almost all the time, and even longer if they won't sleep anywhere but you. You exhaust all of your options and are exhausted. I remember once crying once when I was taking a shower because I hadn't even been there two minutes when my oldest started crying again. (This is when she was still new.) My husband ended up getting me someone to watch her for a night so I could sleep. They'd get me up to feed her, and then I would go sleep again. She took care of everything else.

Men don't get it. I had to break it all down for my husband. My energy. The feeling of never being alone. I felt I couldn't do anything unless the baby was asleep and the baby wouldn't sleep long enough to do anything.

Sit down with him and let him know that for the next 4 weeks, you need more support. Don't forget that there's a potential for Post Partum depression and if you feel you need to talk to an MD about it, do so! Some of the depressive symptoms (low energy, crying, showering) are part of being a new mom too, but your MD can decide if it's more than just that.

Look up "The fourth trimester" online. This is a very real phenomenon. Our bodies even release hormones to minimize this period in our memories after a while so that we're ok with having more kids later! Yay, evolution.

You're going to need more help and he simply may not understand just how taxing these first 12 weeks are. Best of luck to you.

not_the_notebook · 2021-12-11T17:57:48+00:00

They don’t say “it takes a village” for nothing. Without any family around to help, you must be going out of your mind.

Men don’t fully understand what we go through when we have a baby. The postpartum period, breastfeeding, etc. Your entire world has been turned upside down and your body has changed and you probably don’t feel like yourself at all.

When I had my first child I really had to sit down and have several conversations with my husband about what I was feeling. I was so resentful - basically I was thinking “how dare you allow me to fall apart while you continue your normal life? Don’t you see what I’m going through? If you loved me you wouldn’t let me do this alone.”

He DIDNT know what I was going through. He had no clue. I had to break it down for him, in more detail than I ever thought I’d need to, because he does not know what it is like to be a new mother. I think he believed that we were experiencing similar problems, and didn’t realize being a woman means totally separate problems from being a man. Hormonally, biologically, and down to the roles we play as parents.

Idk if you’ve tried talking to your husband but my advice would be to find some time just the two of you if at all possible, and to try to release your resentment while you talk to him. Assume he is an alien who has no idea what your experience is like. Have some specific things that you need from him and ask for those things in clear terms that he can understand. Try not to tell him what he “should” do or cast judgment by insinuating “if you paid attention/cared/loved me, then you would…” because he will feel bad and possibly withdraw and shut down. Explain to him that you’re still beginning to understand yourself in this new world of yours, and you know he is trying, but that your needs have changed now that you’re a new mom. Tell him how to be your hero. It’s possible that he’s confused and hurt too, feeling like he went from the good guy to the bad guy when you had the baby, and feeling like he doesn’t know how to succeed and make you happy.

I’m not making excuses for him by the way. I think the things that you said you wanted from him are very reasonable. Your baby is only 8 weeks old! That is a HARD time. My husband was not doing very many social events for those first 3 months unless we went together, and that was rare as well. It took all hands on deck just to make sure everyone was fed, showered, and rested back then.

Also to give you some hope while you’re in this stage…it does end. It feels like it’ll never end. You’ll wonder whether this is your new life forever and whether you will ever have more time for yourself and feel normal again. You will. I promise. Every couple of weeks to a few weeks, the baby hits new development milestones and I recall that at around 12 weeks I finally woke up and felt like I wasn’t running around with my hair on fire, or drowning, or whatever other metaphor you are probably feeling like right now. You’re in the thick of it, and it’s hard. In case nobody has told you lately, you are not a failure, you’re working very hard, and your baby loves you for it. You’re doing a good job. I hope things improve and you’re able to talk to your husband.

AntiVictimhood · 2021-12-10T17:13:00+00:00

Awe mama I feel for you.

A lot of these comments are saying you need to communicate, but your frustration with his lack of paternal intuition and initiative is totally valid.

I think as women we are trained from day 1 to be aware of the needs of others and to consider the needs and feelings of others ahead of our own. And yes, there is absolutely a biological element to that with motherhood. But it is absolutely frustrating and disheartening that women are expected to have an intense maternal instinct, and it often lets fathers off the hook. They're not pressured to take initiative, to be as attentive, to be present etc. when it comes to a new baby.

That sucks. Communication aside, I think it's easy for women to get resentful because so many of us are attuned to the needs and feelings of others, and without asking, we make work arounds and anticipate their needs and adjust accordingly. My husband doesn't need to ask me for anything, because I know what he needs. I'm tuned into his feelings and mood, and there are SO MANY non-verbal cues that tell me where he's at emotionally and what kind of day he had. I find that most women operate this way, but men don't make it a priority to learn their female partner's non-verbals, or anticipate her needs without her having to ask.

And that asymmetry absolutely builds resentment. I think it's good to vocalize as many other commentators have noted.

Something my husband and I do, which is a play off of old school gender roles, is we have "blue" jobs and "pink" jobs. And I started this after I realized that I was doing 100% of the housework and we both worked full time paid jobs. I had so much resentment towards him for not taking the initiative to walk the dog, take out the garbage, clean the countertops, throw out expired food after we went grocery shopping etc.

So I made a list and we talked about what jobs are his responsibility, and what are mine. We keep that list posted on the fridge so he knows what he needs to do without me asking. Because I got so sick of constantly asking him to do x, y, and z. I felt like a nag.

And it broke my heart to read you saying you don't want to come across as a nag. Because you're not. When we marry men who don't show initiative in the home, we turn into the bitch. I never asked for the responsibility of dictating chores. I don't want to be my husbands mom and tell him what to do. But it ended up being my responsibility to delegate. And I don't love that role, I'd rather that he showed initiative on his own in the way I do. But he doesn't. And that's something I've had to make peace with and adjust too.

It sounds like you might need to do the same with your husband.

If he isn't showing initiative, lay out what you need. Lay out what you want from him, what his set of responsibilities are etc.

I also find it useful to come to our men with some emotion. Don't be emotionally manipulative, but rather than give into the temptation to be furious and resentful- show him that you're tired and you don't feel supported in the ways you need. That you're feeling abandoned and left to your own devices. Let him know that you're exhausted and that you need more support in the form of him being physically and emotionally present.

Rather than saying "you don't support me and you don't take on the responsibilities a father should with a new baby". Let him know how you need support, what ways he can help. And if he gets defensive or whatever, say "I understand and appreciate your intention, but if you can do x, y and z, instead of a, b and c, then I'd feel that intention a lot more".

Lastly- it's bs that he needs to "keep up appearances" this often. My man works in an industry where socializing is important, but he does that at work. He goes out for drinks maybe once a month, and he will have one or two drinks. There is absolutely no need to drink excessively, especially if you're coming home to your wife and newborn. And when it comes to socializing, it's about quality over quantity. There is no reason to be out for hours on end, and there is no reason to have more than 2 drinks. You can still be well liked and socialized with senior partners and you don't need to take shots or drink endless scotch with them. I would be firm about that and let him know that things need to change since there is a child. Again, I'd approach that conversation by letting him know that you want him home, you want him t prioritize bonding with the baby, and that you need his support by being physically present. Especially at this demanding age where the baby literally drains your body, your hormones are a mess, and you likely feel like a zombie. He needs to press pause on being charismatic and social after work hours when you need him more.

breadcake5245 · 2021-12-10T02:58:11+00:00

Yep as a mom I can totally relate.. If you’ve barely been getting any alone time or help, you’re probably feeling frazzled, overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated.. especially with your first baby (which I felt like has the biggest learning curve). Your hormones and body are still recovering and changing. And I definitely wouldn’t want to leave my exclusively breastfed baby with someone else at eight weeks, just to have to pump at a party, and socialize when I’m feeling exhausted. Mom of a newborn exhaustion is unlike any other! And a lot of times, dads can’t understand the intense protective feelings and attachment mothers have to our babies. We are meant to be together.

He needs to give you time alone to shower, to take a nap, to watch a TV show. And you need to prioritize your sanity right now. The laundry can wait. Watch that Netflix show or read that book while the baby is napping if that helps you relax. Budget your grocery bill to include healthy-ish takeout (like Chipotle) a few times a week, and only cook meals that are simple to prep (like pasta, baked potatoes, baked chicken and a pack of frozen veggies, etc). Print out a list of meals from Pinterest so you can pull ideas from it when you’re exhausted. Take your vitamins. Sleep as much as you can. Sleep is #1. Ask if family can come into town to help you, or hire a mother’s helper/babysitter/postpartum doula if you can.

Try doing some family outings or family activities all together.. dinner at a friends house, visiting family, going on a walk if it’s not too cold one day, going to a store (even Costco) all together. It helps get you out of the house so you don’t get cabin fever, allows you to stay close to baby, and also have dad around to help.

This is the hardest time, it gets so much easier. He’s also adjusting to being a dad. Definitely communicate your feelings to him in a non-accusatory way. He may not realize all you’re feeling and experiencing. Tell him what you need him to do. He will need to help you out more so you can recover and rest properly, since you have no one else helping. I hope he’s understanding and gives you relief soon! Being a mama is hard work!

Lando_620 · 2021-12-10T02:30:11+00:00

Most men will double down on work when a kid comes...we are wired to provide resources so it feels like our duty. (A lot of careers, the social events are massively important so I don't think him at a holiday party is anywhere near the same as a bar/club part or guys night.)

Secondly, if he encouraged you to go to your holiday party and you didn't...you may have an issue with letting go of responsibility or in communicating with him.

Lastly, if he helps when he is home, he wants to be involved/active. I would just calmly ask him if he could have a set time of him being on duty. If you like to cook maybe he can do baby duty from 5-8 allowing you to decompress while cooking and enjoying wine in the bath after / before bed. Or maybe he stays up late so he does bed time and you get an escape and early unwind to help you sleep. There are lots of options but you will need to calmly voice your needs of some mental solitude...nobody is a mind reader.

LateralThinker13 · 2021-12-10T14:42:35+00:00

If you're financially comfortable, get part-time help. If you have to pay a babysitter to come in and lighten the load - or even if it's just for chores - it can be a lifesaver.

Heck, one of the best things I did for my wife and our now-1-year-old was to buy a countertop dishwasher for the bottles for our upstairs bathroom. My wife didn't have to trapise downstairs and constantly run that dishwasher, she could just run bottles constantly through it. It really helped.

But for breastfeeding... there's no true break from it. Those early months... wow. Exhaustion, no sleep, I remember them well. Best he can do is take more of the house chores off your hands. Again, if he can't or wont do that, get help. Pay help if necessary.

mamaBea2021 · 2021-12-12T02:21:08+00:00

I definitely get where you're coming from. My baby boy is also 8 weeks old and my husband works all day. Even though he works all from home right now he isn't able to help at all during the day. Sometimes I have to hire outside help just to help me clean the house once a week or so. I take my Sunday evening to meal prep for the whole week while my husband take care of the baby for 3 to 5 hours straight. I so my grocery shopping online while I breastfeed and have it delivered to my door.

Since my day basically consists of breastfeeding, eating and sleeping I barely have time for self-care either.. But I make sure to have a simple but effective morning and night routine. Just brushing my teeth, washing my face super quick and putting some cream.

It's important to think of yourself too.

Think of a hobby or something you've always wanted to do and spend some time on it. For me it has been creating a motherhood lifestyle youtube channel, so I make and edit videos whenever I can, it makes me feel more accomplished than if I wasn't doing it.

Own-Grapefruit7309 · 2021-12-10T01:29:07+00:00

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pearlsandstilettos · 2021-12-10T13:41:10+00:00

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pearlsandstilettos · 2021-12-10T14:53:05+00:00

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purplepansy88 · 2021-12-13T13:20:42+00:00

The part where you mentioned that your husband was drunk after the party is a little concerning. I can personally put up with a lot but drunkenness or any use of any recreational drug just makes me very angry. To me it's something that young, single people do and not someone who has responsibilities. It's something I would expect for a person to completely get out of their system by the time they are married with kids. Your husband is not in college.

I would personally just tell him how you feel instead of expecting him to know. Tell him exactly what you expect of him. Do not be passive aggressive.

Title	New mom feeling resentful
Author	Own-Grapefruit7309
Upvotes	67
Comments	44
Date	December 10, 2021 12:11 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/rcv5vz/new_mom_feeling_resentful/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/new-mom-feeling-resentful.1087715 https://theredarchive.com/post/1087715

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