Second date: Am I moving too fast?

VigilantRedRooster · 2016-11-29T21:10:54+00:00

What is an appropriate pace for physical intimacy, in your opinions?

This varies quite a bit. For mature, experienced vetters and daters, third or fourth date is a very common benchmark.

For those who are younger, less experienced, maintaining a very low N count, and/or looking for marriage/family this time out, longer is necessary and expected.

Even the "three-date rule" presuppposes a lot of communication and getting to know each other before and between dates.

For those who want to postpone full intimacy when there's good mutual attraction, a good strategy is to PACE the escalation, so that the guy feels progress being made toward intimacy. In other words, don't offer the maximum amount of pre-sex intimacy on the first date, then have available only the same thing for the next several dates.

Ideally, you've started the getting to know and vetting processes well before your first official date. Once you go on a first date, the timer-till-sex starts in the guy's mind, which will result in time pressure on the woman to go farther each date. Vet as much as possible before starting this timer; once it starts, your flexibility in maintaining a long timeline till first sex diminishes greatly.

Whisper's widely-misunderstood post about The Final Exam covers this topic well, exposing the male mindset surrounding this topic. The take-home message is, vet as much as possible before proceeding to sex, because usually the guy isn't 100% certain until this actually happens.

vanBeethovenLudwig · 2016-11-29T19:56:50+00:00

For me it's the fourth date. If he doesn't hold out for me until then, he was just looking for a hookup. The majority of my dating doesn't go past the second date for this reason.

It's not a bad thing he's so into you, you just have to make sure what kind of girl he sees you as.

Kara_El · 2016-11-30T01:46:37+00:00

An appropriate time for physical intimacy is when you're comfortable with it. End of story. He's pushy, because it's working. Stop giving in when you've said no or you're just another plate.

digitori · 2016-11-29T20:03:45+00:00

The appropriate pace needs to match your level of communication/vulnerability. Emotional intimacy and physical intimacy are intrinsically linked.

I would say try telling him clearly and firmly what your boundaries are or what you're comfortable with right now. He could be under the impression that you want him to be forward like that. If he respects your boundaries, take it from there.

HerDarkMaterials · 2016-11-30T04:37:08+00:00

If you say "no", he should respect that and not argue the point. There's a difference between being assertive and being a pushy asshole.

BigRed517 · 2016-12-03T05:58:44+00:00

Honestly you need to stand your ground. If you're not ready to have sexy time activities with him and if he tries you need to make sure he knows that. Tell him exactly why you want to wait and if he can't respect your wishes and is just using you as a piece of ass he's not worth it because that's probably all he is ever going to view you as. I'd see if he tries something again and if he can't be respectful tell him you can't see him anymore because he is being too pushy and you're not ready. Then find someone else who will treat you better. My fiancé specifically told me before we got into a relationship that he didn't want to have sex with me until we were in a relationship and he was very respectful to me and I to him because he was very specific to begin with and now our sex life is fantastic. Every person is different with the pace of intimacy go at your own pace, not what someone else thinks is a good pace for you.

the-capitan · 2016-11-29T22:55:07+00:00

as a female, your RMV drops substantially based on your n-count. at 4+ sexual partners, your RMV falls to zero. both the CDC and UVA studies found at n-count 4, your divorce rate is already 50% and by 16+ your divorce rate is 80%. chronic depression also rises among females based on n-count.

so, you're 19, and guys will regularly tolerate waiting at your age. if your n-count is still low, don't fuck him until he's exclusive with you. keep it while you can. 30 year old females simply don't have the same pull.

thescarletlilly · 2016-11-30T17:29:43+00:00

Sometimes it's really hard to wait until marriage and unrealistic with a lot of guys who are not 100% traditional.

Unless a man: ~Wants you to be his gf. ~Introduces you as his gf. ~ Is proud, and tells you so, of being your bf. ~ Introduces you to his family. ~ Talks about having a future together.

Then I would not sleep with a man. Three months minimum is firm but it works much better if it's longer. It's worked for me and is working well for two of my friends. If he keeps pushing that hard when you firmly say no a lot, he may just see you as a difficult conquest and a pretty " virginal girl".

I'd keep vetting him and go on public dates more. I had a guy from OKCupid not push for sex at all, and then after two months start pushing and say things like " we should have sex soon or we could overblow the tension and disappoint ourselves". Stupidly I had sex, and after a few weeks he revealed himself to be a complete, gross pig. I broke up with him. He was a perfect gentleman until then and kept saying he was a feminist that respected women ( always a huge red flag but I ignored it).

A man has to invest in you ( paying around the third date, wanting to treat you without asking, and wanting to spend time with you and respect you), and want t continue the investment long-termed. Otherwise if he doesn't have to he may not treat you right.

Just my personal experience. I don't want people to go through what I went through because it is damaging and you have to work every day at being red-pilled and fix bad habits. It's not impossible, but it is hard. Even two year relationships I've had could have gone better if I set basic guidelines for respect and showed that I had to be valued and invested in first.

Sorry for all my posts on the board, but I really see merit in this advice and want things to go well for people here and get a bit overzealous.

Willow-girl · 2016-11-30T03:38:36+00:00

It sounds like you are looking for an LTR. Is this a man you would be willing to commit to based on what you know about him at present? If the answer is "no, not yet," get to know him a little better before you sleep with him. That may involve more dates or just more communication via phone, text, etc.

But don't have sex until YOU want to have sex!

meh613 · 2016-11-30T11:45:57+00:00

Men apply the accelerator, women the brakes, in most relationships. Be comfortable holding your ground and be true to your values.

M_riane · 2016-11-29T20:04:44+00:00

I don't think it's a red flag necessarily. Maybe the roommate really was the reason. And he took you on two actual dates right, instead of just asking you to hang out at his place? If I were you I'd give him another chance.

The appropriate pace for me is probably: first date is lunch or coffee and no kiss (depending on how well you know each other already), second date is for kissing, from the third or forth you go to his or your place to go a bit further. And then I made him wait a couple of dates more :). But I like taking it slow. Everyone has his or her pace.

pewpsprinkler · 2016-12-02T19:31:41+00:00

hahahah, he is a guy and he is dominant, what do you expect?

seriously, just because you indicate that you are not comfortable, you think he should shut his whole libido down? come on, get real. if you want control, don't date a dominant.

oh and I couldn't even count the number of women who came over to my place with a no sex condition, then we ended up having sex anyway. guys see that as just typical slut defense talk. we are not going to take it seriously. it lets you girls say "oooohh myy, one thing just... led to another!"

If you don't want sex, you shouldn't be making out. Making out is foreplay. The whole point of it is to warm you up for sex. It is incredibly annoying, as a man, to deal with some annoying girl who activates her slut defense after sex and gets all weird and mental because she regrets being "easy".

I can tell you as a guy, if there is no significant physical contact by the 3rd date (like making out), then I will bail. The longest I have ever waited for sex was the 5th date, and that girl was at least making out with me on date 3.

If you need things to be slower paced than that, you should probably be upfront about it and not with bullshit arbitrary waiting periods, like buying a gun. Those are a huge turn off for guys for a number of reasons, and make us lose respect for you on top of it. If you want us to wait, we want to know why, and we will judge you based on the reasons. We might bail if we don't like the reasons, or we might stick around just to see if the wait was worth it, then bail if it wasn't.

CptButtertits · 2016-11-29T22:13:35+00:00

I agree with RedRooster that the three date rule presupposes alot of communication that many males (myself included) like to look at as a challenge.

Technology has blurred the lines between what is and isn't a date. If you both have been chatting on Skype every night for the last week the guy is showing commitment beyond the bare minimum and I believe that counts for something.

My SO and I were Skype dating for 4 months casually before I wanted to date her and another 3 months before I got to see her again physically and we were intimate that night so seven months of Skyping went by.

I have had previous relationships where there could have been something there but fizzled due to the lack of intimacy while others fizzled out because if I got it with minimal effort how many others got it as well.

I believe that a schedule should be established by you and for you and you can tweak it depending on the male you are interested in.

Know what lines are firm no's and which ones you can flex on. This is like Rooster said about Pacing. Know before each date how far you are willing to go and don't go all out at once. Make him work a little for it each time until you are comfortable taking it a step further.

This is just my two cents from the other side of the table.

Title	Second date: Am I moving too fast?
Author	artsyluna
Upvotes	13
Comments	46
Date	November 29, 2016 7:43 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/5fkrp0/second_date_am_i_moving_too_fast/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/second-date-am-i-moving-too-fast.86689 https://theredarchive.com/post/86689

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