The over-functioning - resentment cycle

Luscious-Grass · 2022-04-25T15:26:44+00:00

It sounds like your husband does not have a natural instinct or eye for what needs to be done. Would you say that is true? Does it seem like he simply doesn’t notice the house becoming dirtier and dirtier, or that the children need their nails clipped, etc etc?

If so it might be because he doesn’t. How would you feel if you knew for the rest of your life that you would need to remind your husband of things periodically? Assuming that when you do remind him, he begins helping out more for a while until he stops and needs a reminder again? Would this reality be a deal breaker for you? Would it make you feel angry or sad, and why? Imagine that you have a calendar reminder just like the one for your dentist appointment, but instead it says “remind husband what I need at home in order to feel supported.” Would that upset you?

anothergoodbook · 2022-04-25T19:31:25+00:00

If you read the Surrendered Wife she discusses this. She talks about how we pick things up because they are there and don’t let our husbands do anything. Then we build resentment because we are doing everything!

I’d say pick the things you need him to handle. And lay them back down. And actually really lay them down. Don’t nag, talk about or do them. Just say, “I can’t handle this anymore. It’s beyond my ability and the amount of time I have”.

I would assumed you thought, “oh my husband won’t get movers” and you took care of it. Now he doesn’t have to because he knows you’ll take care of it. Instead of assuming he doesn’t know how (I imagine you wouldn’t have married a stupid man or at least he’s capable of googling something) put it all out there on the table. Bring your problem to him and let him solve it.

And then the most important part do not criticize how he does it. Let him make his own mistakes and own up to them without you pointing them all out.

Was your husband capable of taking care of himself before you married?

Edit: and to help stave off resentment, make sure you are getting plenty of self care in!

Luscious-Grass · 2022-04-25T15:50:55+00:00

What are the initial signs that you need help, or that you're getting overwhelmed? Write them down and then communicate them to your husband- that way you both can be proactive about taking on responsibilities, but at the same time he can be mindful of your hard work without it getting to the breaking point. So basically finding a way to stop the cycle before it escalates.

Also what are you doing to take care of you? Seems like you might not have a moment to yourself if you're taking on so much. Try to devote an hour a day to you! Celebrate what you've accomplished. The rest of the chores can wait for tomorrow.

maevenbelle · 2022-04-25T18:35:59+00:00

How's your sex life?

Resentments are like weeds and sex is like weed killer. If you're not having sex and getting bogged down in the doldrums of every day life, then you're bound to be miserable.

Your house, yard, kitchen, garage... etc. etc. etc. is never, ever going to be perfect. And no, I have found that men genuinely do not see the things we see. They just don't. You have to learn to appreciate the things they do, and just relax over the things they don't.

And just relax in general...

Also, you're describing things in a cycle - are you tracking your menstrual cycle? Is the resentment growing towards the end of your cycle i.e. the luteal phase/two weeks before your period? Are you feeling more generous and easy going and energetic right after your period starts and that first two weeks of the cycle. You could be just dealing with hormonal shifts. Take a look at the app, Hormone Horoscope (there's a free version and one that's $1.99) Track your cycle and your moods and you might notice that your feelings are more connected than you think to your hormones rather than your husband's shortcomings.

rosesonthefloor · 2022-04-25T17:00:25+00:00

Does he not do things because he genuinely doesn’t know how to do them, or is it possible that he hesitates to do things because when he does them his way, he gets criticized for it?

I could be off base, but it sounds like this is potentially a control thing on your part - “I am afraid that if I stop doing everything we’ll revert to a lower standard of life than I want for myself and my family.” Is having a clean counter every night (for example) really worth the stress on you and your marriage?

I also feel like we’re missing context - how long have you been together/married? What is he not doing that you feel he should? How long has this been going on? Do you have regular communication about this beyond taking on too much, getting resentful, then blowing up?

I haven’t read it yet, but I believe The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle talks about some of this, and how letting go of things being done “perfectly” or exactly how you would have done them, can help encourage him to take on more around the house.

Meat_Mockasin · 2022-04-25T19:26:27+00:00

Common problem, women who also work still do way more "housework" than the man. You could try positive reinforcements? Tell him how much you appreciate him involving himself and thinking ahead etc.

pearlsandstilettos · 2022-04-25T22:02:50+00:00

OP are you looking to change or to vent? The only comments that you have addressed you seem to just want to complain.

TheBunk_TB · 2022-04-25T16:01:40+00:00

How does he feel about this?

kitterkatty · 2022-04-25T22:58:05+00:00

You should hire a PA :) someone who will follow orders and understands they only get paid if things get done and get done well. Probably a woman of your own generation/income background/religion bc then fewer things will have to be explained. No fighting, no stress, all things handled. The older I get the more I understand it’s good sense to delegate things to the right people and let go of unrealistic expectations of the wrong person for the job. Kinda sounds like your hubby, though intelligent, is already at his capacity for responsibility. And that’s okay some people just have a limit on that stuff. Otherwise they overheat and their components start malfunctioning lmao.

Luscious-Grass · 2022-04-25T23:53:07+00:00

My partner of 5 years has ADHD and he is a hard worker...but he does not get around to getting anything done. The intentions are there but he gets distracted or something else comes up, whereas I have laser vision and put tasks ahead of, say, a day with friends whereas his priorities are different. Maybe find out if it's him not prioritizing, or avoiding responsibility, or genuinely snails pace speed of doing things. Write all the tasks you need done for the month, and divide them into days and your name and his name. If he doesnt do his part, he just doesnt want to or he will have reasons which will show his prioritizing or if he has distractedness issues...sometimes I do so much soo fast he doesnt even know he needed to do it and by doing someone else's work it insults their competency. Not sure if this is a codependent-narc dynamic where the codependent does everything to keep the narc pleased or if your man genuinely doesnt consider the tasks serious, sucks at time management, or you do them before he "gets around to it". I get everything done in my home too though because deadlines dont exist for a partner who has attention deficit issues. I have a calendar now and write down the days and costs so even if he doesnt do it he will pay as contribution so less resentment. It's also ok to address your own neuroses. Like if you dont do it would it really never get done? I did this in regards to laundry and one month of no laundry he started doing it, he does it every week now. Sometimes they dont know how much it all is for you but share the load and make sure to appreciate him so much for any little thing he does, so he will do more or do it again.

2022-04-26T13:07:59+00:00

It sounds like your husband isn't naturally suited to planning and administration. So maybe you should make decisions accordingly? I mean, try to simplify your life so that you aren't as tempted to overwork yourself.

The situation you're describing (moving, getting tenants etc) is very intense and I wonder if you could have taken on less. Could you have waited to get a new passport? Could you have waited before getting tenants, or even hired someone to help with that? I know these things are expensive, but it sounds like you are both working at professional jobs and maybe spending a little more money would save some stress. Or maybe you have a girlfriend or a sister who enjoys handling this stuff with you?

itsbigoleme · 2022-04-25T16:24:25+00:00

I’m sorry but you feel like you trained him to be like this? You didn’t, he’s just taking advantage of you because he knows you’re reliable. I would give him specific jobs. For example, vacuum, clean the bathrooms, do the dishes after I cook. Never do these duties as they are for him. Also, if you need help reach out to him and ask for it.

sortamaybwhatever · 2022-04-25T14:56:24+00:00

What things? You need to be more specific.

taashaak · 2022-04-26T07:21:39+00:00

Omg are you me? Same exact thing, even with the house. I’m trying to do what’s best for our family and I feel like I get no support from husband, although he agrees with my decisions. It’s exhausting.

marcelmarceau1972 · 2022-04-27T16:16:34+00:00

Husband here. Sorry about what you are going through, it is VERY exhausting. He has failed. As I see it, his main failure is NOT in what he is doing but in what he is BEING. An identity problem many of us 'modern' husbands suffer.

First, please take care of yourself and rest. I know many wives and it is amazing how extreme their lives become with work, kids, life ... and a man child. Please rest a bit. And then more. See if you can get to truly take 1 hour 'off' for a few days, maybe once every other day. You know you need it. Yes, things will be lower, and yes, you won't take the full hour, but please try.

We husbands suffer with understanding what role we play and what we are. Society pushes to expect wives to play new roles, but also traditional roles, and then we also realize they are naturally better 'adulting' and, of course, many of us just sit back. It happened to me and many friends. I've had close cases where women just get tired and divorce. I've personally talked to the guys and they just do NOT get it, change is hard. To me, the problem is we don't fully embrace the husband identity, because we don't want to be the 'horrible' husbands of the past. So we get into marriage and adopt some things, as few as necessary to consider ourselves 'good husbands'. And society reinforce us saying we are good husbands and putting the weight on the over-functioning wives. It is pathetic the low standard to be a 'good husband'.

As crazy as it sounds, what helped me was having all these deep conversations with my wife about what we wanted in life. I had been upset when she stopped her professional career. We had kids and she decided it was most important to her to focus on them. Eventually, I almost fell like she said: "it's your time ... it's been good, but something needs to change and now you drive". I hesitated. For the first time, years after marriage, I felt really driving. It was uncomfortable, but I did feel her support. And I started seeing all these tasks/responsibilities that I had barely seen before. Now I needed her support for some, but they were my responsibility. And I started feeling well, more awake. Slowly but surely I learned how to handle more and more stuff, to the point we are on this together. That does NOT mean she became a doormat or anything: she is wonderful and successful and we have an equal relationship where we both carry lots of weight and support each other. If I had to label this process, I'd call it "learning to be a husband", it happened to me around 6 years into the marriage.

Unfortunately, I know many cases are hard. A few years ago a close family member ended her 20-year marriage. I totally support her, although society still says "he was a good husband". He was okay in some ways, he just never grew into that role, it was always uneven. Unfortunately for her, she has had other relationships but nothing that deep (although in general she is happy). Another case of what I call the "child-husband", the wife supports still most of it, the husband alternates between worse and awful times ... I almost call that a 'functional separation'.

I hope this gives you another perspective on what you are facing. I hope you are not totally burnt. Ironically, he has the most important learning of his life and he is failing. In relationships there's always responsibilities on both sides, so I'm sure you have some improvements to do and some good recommendations in this thread to follow. Your first battle is to rest and then start fighting so you start getting out of this cycle. Best wishes.

free_breakfast_ · 2022-05-07T01:20:32+00:00

I seen this post awhile back and was keeping my eye on it.

I've been debating with myself on whether or not to keep my mouth shut because one of my values is to keep silent if I do not have any personal successful experience with a situation I'm looking to counsel others on.

I'm commenting because your situation is heading in the same direction as my older brother's past relationships (one tradcon marriage that ended in divorce and one child, and eventually a second relationship outside of tradcon boundaries that reached engagement and two children before separation - both relationships ended for the same reason and he still hasn't learned the lessons on why) had and I would have liked to have had more experience, knowledge, and insight to have offered him as well as the skills to teach it properly and have it land when I was younger.

After some thinking, I thought it best to bring posts instead from a RPW EC and a post from marriedredpill and offer some of my thoughts rather than any personal advice:

You're in a relationship with someone you consider to be beta to you.

The Case for the Greater Beta

Many of the commenters on your post has already offered multiple perspectives from personal experience and 'how to' information on resolving the short term challenges.

But that doesn't address the heart of your frustration.

You want your husband to lead you and to be attracted to him again (or at least that's my assumption, as you wouldn't have had a child with him and married), but that's going to be difficult when you don't respect him and you feel that he's incompetent.

The Three Dysfunctional Captains and First Officers of Married TRP: 3 - The Captain and Her Husband

And so that's where things sort of run into a paradox. Because you've lost respect for your man you're no longer attracted to him and because you've lost attraction you can't treat him as someone who's respectable. In turn, because he's being disrespected and receiving contempt he doesn't feel like he can love you (or at least express confidence and dominance as a masculine man who can lead, protect, and provide for you).

Trying to top from the bottom with demands, ultimatums, criticism, and contempt is not going to build more attraction and is an extremely poor way of building relationship vitality (trust, communication, and love).

Here are a few foundations that supports and build the base of relationships:

attraction
shared similarities (shared values, goals)
decision/commitment component (investment)

You're already well on the way to losing all attraction for your husband. And as previously mentioned, combative and disrespectful behaviors (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) as a tactic do not help in building trust (conversational rapport, a sense of comfort, a sense that your interactions with your man is real and genuine, a feeling of connection). Fortunately, you do not need to change him into someone you can respect and be attracted to. All you need to do is change yourself.

Shared similarities. I do not know much about your relationship other than the one or two posts I remember reading on rpw, but hopefully you were operating from a position of willingness and intention when you decided to get married/have a baby with your husband. If you were operating from a place of fear and needy desire on wanting a child because of concern for fertility, this makes the pillar on shared similarities appear shaky because it asks the question on whether or not you properly vetted your husband for long term compatibility and ability to inspire your lust, your admiration, and your loyalty in the long term. And if you genuinely believed he would be someone you could reliably lean on to go on a venture for the next 18+ years. If it's the latter, you're in for some hard times.

Thankfully, 'long term relationship' game is a learnable skill set. As a beginner, you're in the 'this sucks ass' part of the learning curve. Which is great, because it'll bring us into the next component of relationships which is commitment.

You might be contemplating divorce, swinging between multiple feelings such as apathy/longing/desire/anger/resentment, and wanting to check out and quit - but that's only because you suck at long term relationships and need to improve your skills at it (perhaps there is a deep underlying incompatibility in your relationship and you'll eventually separate, but I guarantee that your relationship skills will not spontaneously improve and you'll never encounter the problems you're facing now or any other problems just because you changed partners). We have a strong tendency to repeat the problems and challenges we encounter in life and either we successfully overcome them and grow as humans or we repeat them over and over and develop strange coping strategies.

But in order to successfully overcome and master those challenges, you'll need to be committed to improving those skills and not turning to the easy choice of allowing your threat regulation and survivor brain to hi-jack your personality when you're stressed, fatigued, and burning out and feeling irritable.

I'm defining love using triangular theory of love model.

At the beginning of your relationship you might have felt infatuated and deeply passionate about your man. You guys shared a lot of similar goals and values in wanting a family together with a child. And eventually made a powerful investment into each other when you had your child together. You guys were in love at one point based on your passion, your intimacy and similarity, and your decisions and commitments to each other.

Now, you're unattracted to your husband and starting to feel like you guys do not share as much similarities and is actively questioning them.

Despite the loss in attraction and questioning compatibility, you can still love your husband by being committed to him even if you don't feel like it. If you want this relationship to work out and eventually go from surviving, coping, to thriving - you're going to need to commit yourself to the relationship (regardless of your feelings - please do not be a sperg and neglect your needs and self-care by being literal with this) and be extra committed to improving your relationship skillsets until you're reaching mastery.

And if after all of that, you can at least say you gave 1,000% percent. And if you ever end up in a new relationship, you'll have killer skills at building and maintaining long term relationships and your child will have seen that you put in effort.

That was pretty long, but if it can help you sustain your relationship and raise your child in a healthy two parent household that deeply loves, cherish, respects, and is devoted to each other and is resilient to setbacks and overcame challenges to build a great relationship - I would be happy.

I'm aware of maybe one or two married RPW who brought their husband to r/marriedredpill .

With their support, from what I can remember, it helped their husband express more alpha behaviors and traits and renewed their women's attraction in them again.

I do not know if that will be a solution for you, but based on the 3rd dysfunctional captain from that post - it may be something to consider along side reading the RPW wiki.

Title	The over-functioning - resentment cycle
Author	Luscious-Grass
Upvotes	39
Comments	64
Date	April 25, 2022 2:50 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ubmw6w/the_overfunctioning_resentment_cycle/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/the-over-functioning-resentment-cycle.1113483 https://theredarchive.com/post/1113483

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