Trauma, high libido, insecurity question

sunglasses90 · 2022-12-06T17:26:15+00:00

There’s nothing in here that indicates there’s anything for you to be insecure about. Most women don’t orgasm from sex alone. Is he interested in learning about how to please a woman sexually? Not through porn which is not realistic. Can you show him what to do and guide him? If my guy is touching me I will sometimes guide his hand and apply his hand with the right pressure to stimulate things. Sometimes he’s too hard or too fast and I just want nice gentle pressure down there that I can work with.

anothergoodbook · 2022-12-06T16:19:54+00:00

I come from the point of view of not having sex until marriage (or at least a firm commitment of marriage) so I will approach as if I was speaking to a situation like that.

Sex is part of the deal. It is not just OK to expect sex, it’s actually (from a Christian perspective) mandatory in a marriage. In fact I think any monogamous, romantic relationship is at its core a sexual contract. You agree to not have sex with anyone else so the expectation is that this person will be fulfilling those sexual desires (there is a limit obviously but I’m talking in general).

A man’s porn use reflects on him not on you. Porn is a controversial subject on the best of days. But my take is that it’s easier. It is far easier to jerk off while watching porn than put in the effort to have a healthy, vibrant sexual relationship.

I would say if your goal is won’t work on yourself (which is the only thing you can do). I would try practicing gratitude. Focus on the positives that he has especially with sex and expressing that to him.

Scared-Tea-8911 · 2022-12-06T19:19:38+00:00

“Everything’s perfect except the bedroom” - very rarely is this true. It sounds like he does not always take your needs or wants seriously, that he cannot accept constructive feedback, that he cannot communicate openly about serious topics, and that you and he have different views on monogamy. ON TOP OF sexual incompatibility/an inability to both get in the mood at the same time. One year in should be the “honeymoon phase” still… if you are having intimacy issues now, I really don’t know where that leaves you in 5-7 years… it may be an uphill battle.

One other thing to note… this one man’s reaction to you, or even other men’s reaction to you, does not determine your value. Do YOU think you look sexy and hot? Are you happy with your appearance? If you are having confidence issues/insecurity… driven by this man/relationship… I think you are choosing a hard road to stay on. If it costs you your peace, it’s too damn expensive. 💕

notusingthisforlong1 · 2022-12-06T17:10:58+00:00

You are not the problem! You're a loving girlfriend trying to engage in sexual intimacy with your boyfriend. I think the problem is porn and lap dances are sexualized acts where he can objectify and emotionally distance himself from the objects of his desire. It doesn't matter if the stripper is having a good time or if the woman in the video actually likes what's happening to her, they are paid to pretend to turn men on. But in a relationship, he has to see you as a person. Some men who grew up using porn can't understand a woman's needs as being as important as his own or don't find sex where they can't objectify women to be as fulfilling. Honestly, there is something wrong with him if he can't get aroused by his gf in sexy lingerie. I'd be willing to bet it was early expose to porn that's messing with this.

If he isn't priortizing your needs after you've been open about what you want in your relationship, you will need to move on. Men don't suddenly change years down the road.

LateralThinker13 · 2022-12-07T17:32:11+00:00

He told me he just wasn’t a very sexual person but then I find out he likes getting lapdances at strip clubs (he hasn’t been since we met but wouldn’t consider it cheating because he says it means nothing) and watches porn (idk how often) and even exchanges porn links with his friends (idk details). This makes me feel like there is something lacking in me

No. This suggests low-T coupled with porn addiction. It ain't you.

EDIT: question for you. Instead of asking what he finds attractive and getting a BS answer, ask him a harder question. Ask him what about yourself you could improve. Because we ALL have things that need improving. Be willing and clear that you want/will accept an honest answer, if you can. If you can't... then the issue might be partially with you.

Lumpy_Secret_6359 · 2022-12-06T19:29:15+00:00

men are attracted to novelty. he is probably just so used to you that u dont turn him on as much as someone new. maybe wear a wig and change ur clothes and try some roleplay where ur a different character or something

mistressusa · 2022-12-06T21:46:25+00:00

He's into kinks that he knows you are not into and does not expect it from you. The sex you two have is vanilla sex for him. If you can accept that, you two can still have a beautiful future.

Realistic-End-1644 · 2022-12-06T17:04:53+00:00

Oh Lord Here comes the typical sex story

cringe_but_not_a_sin · 2022-12-07T03:20:21+00:00

I'm sorry that you're struggling in this area. Yes I think if you had a perspective and mindset shift you will feel better and things will be easier. My reply will be long because this issue is very similar to how I used to be and I have studied it up and down.

Here is the root of the problem 1. Recognize that women don't want sex, they are actually seeking validation. 2. Having less of it makes sex with you more valuable and enjoyable for him

1: biologically speaking, women risk a long term consequence (babies, physical harm, etc) when they have sex, so men should woo them and impress them enough to earn sex from them.

When a woman is chasing a man for sex, it seems like something is wrong with her.

And there is. You are not after the physical act of sex, you are psychologically seeking validation. It may come from your past of CPTSD that you're seeking other peoples approval. When you chase him for sex, you look like you're saying "sleep with me to prove I am sexy and valuable." Which implies that you don't think you're sexy and valuable.* That is the key turn off and mindset shift you need to make.* You look like you're saying you don't think you're attractive unless he sleeps with you, and that's way too outcome dependent, too much pressure, and a turn off. When you recognize seeking sex as a woman is a cry for approval, and stop that, you'll grow in confidence. Learn to be so confident that even if he never sleeps with you again, you still know you're desirable, attractive, and the prize. And confidence is what makes you the sexiest of them all. More sexy than anything you can wear or do. When you stop chasing him for approval, he will have to chase you. Start treating yourself as if you're valuable, take care of your looks, and body, and have this aura about you that he is lucky to be in your presence. And anyway, you don't really want sex, you want to be desired and pursued, which is the opposite of what you get when you ask for sex and he merely complies and you get mediocre subpar sex.

It's a common thing in economics that the more available something is, the less valuable it seems. When you make him have to chase you and earn it, it's actually more enjoyable for him too. You can make sex seem rare and a prize he had to win even if he will want it everyday. Don't you want to make sex more enjoyable for him? So when you back off he enjoys it more. And, I think men would prefer to be with their wife more than porn or strip clubs, but, if you're making it difficult for him by prioritizing your orgasm and seeming disappointed or insecure he won't enjoy sex as much with you, and it's safer for him to seek an outlet with porn stars.

Use a little bit of dark psychology and pretend you don't want it. At the same time, be as attractive as possible. Act like a prize. Have your face and hair and clothes be pretty and done up. Look joyful and easy to please. You'll look attractive and he will want to touch you. Hell wonder why youre so happy and confident and want some of that himself. Men get with women because they want our happiness. When you seem insecure or miserable he blames himself. Remember that you are the prize and it's his privilege to even have a chance with you. This will increase your confidence and shift your mindset about sex.

I think women prioritizing orgasms is just a psyops from liberal media. They can't get anything else out of a man and they only get sex so that's why they want orgasms. Your orgasm comes from the way he romances and pursues you. Eventually if you act easy to please and he enjoys sex with you enough and values it enough he will learn and want to please you too. Right now, consider it unnatural and self defeating to prioritize your orgasm. The goal is more enjoyable sex, more confidence, more pursuing. Your relationship cannot be perfect everywhere else, or he would be giving up his outlets to prioritize sex with you. Your insecurity and subtle dissatisfaction with sex is why he doesn't want to sleep with you.

I think if you follow my advice, you'll actually have MORE sex, more enjoyable time, but more importantly, you'll be more confident and happier regardless of the outcome. You'll feel like the prize regardless of how much sex you're having when you make this mindset shift. I learned about this amazing understanding that women seeking sex are after the wrong thing from a femininity youtuber.

Edited to add: If you really do want orgasms, I suggest you masturbate. When you can have an orgasm anytime you want, you will be more relaxed and not pressure him so much. Again keep in mind you're after being pursued and desired, not actually sex and orgasms. Because if you were really after the physical act of sex, you could just use a dildo, and if you're after orgasms, you can have that any time. You're after validation, and if that's the case, your real behavior should be what builds your confidence, not in pursuing sex. That i think is why it's creating a self defeating trauma loop when you pursue sex instead of appreciating how valuable and attractive you already are. Like Marcus Aurelius said, anytime you want to stop wanting something, reduce it to the most base description. Sex is nothing more than a guys fleshy digit thrusting in and out of your hole for 2 minutes. You're telling me you want that? I'm saying no you don't, sex is not that magical. It's just a physical movement of his body part in yours. All along, you're after the emotional validation, which you will have a much easier time solving now that you know the root of the issue.

homesweethome22110 · 2022-12-07T02:15:04+00:00

A relationship without sex is just a friendship, and you end up roommates at best. This may be hard to hear - though you likely already know this - he doesn't care about your needs and is selfish. In other words, cut your losses and DROP HIS ASS ASAP

AutoModerator · 2022-12-06T15:33:20+00:00

Title: Trauma, high libido, insecurity question

Full text: I (f 35) have been dating an amazing man (30) for a year. Everything is perfect except for in the bedroom. He never tried to make me orgasm and would play with me for like two minutes. I explained to him many times that I don’t orgasm through penetrative sex. He just didn’t seem to get it. On top of that whenever I initiated he wasn’t in the mood, so slowly my self confidence eroded. I am told I am attractive and past partners are always turned on by me and ready to jump my bones. When I asked him what turns him on and what he’s into he just says “you”. Now, the bedroom skills have improved a lot and he is working on prioritizing us having sex, so I am happy with that. However, my self confidence is still bust. He told me he just wasn’t a very sexual person but then I find out he likes getting lapdances at strip clubs (he hasn’t been since we met but wouldn’t consider it cheating because he says it means nothing) and watches porn (idk how often) and even exchanges porn links with his friends (idk details). This makes me feel like there is something lacking in me-I could be wearing the sexiest lingerie and shaking my ass in front of him and it still wouldn’t guarantee he would get in the mood. I know he doesn’t owe me sex but it would be nice to know I could playfully get my partner in the mood. I think I need to change my mindset and perspective so would love any advice. I can tell he is really trying to make out sex life better and he is perfect in every other way. Also I have cptsd and think I’m stuck in a trauma loop because of this.

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TheBunk_TB · 2022-12-07T12:06:09+00:00

He might be stuck in a "dopamine cycle".

coupedeville70 · 2022-12-07T13:23:14+00:00

I think there is a woman named Jennelle Gordon.

link to her intimacy retreat, this could be a fun trip or relationship ending. Take him there and tell him to give up porn.

https://snipfeed.co/ofactors

livn4summr · 2022-12-08T06:05:15+00:00

Is he on any medications? Those can seriously impact libido, and if that's the case: porn may be all that gets him going. Conversely: is depression a possible culprit? -That's also a mood-killer!

Title	Trauma, high libido, insecurity question
Author	hungrytreelover
Upvotes	18
Comments	45
Date	December 6, 2022 3:33 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ze9orn/trauma_high_libido_insecurity_question/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/trauma-high-libido-insecurity-question.1142696 https://theredarchive.com/post/1142696

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