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Boyfriend becoming less generous after several months?

April 17, 2022
87 upvotes

After a few months dating and then a few months officially in a relationship, my boyfriend has started to ask to split the bill - a few times in the past month. At first I was taken aback that he asked; then I was taken aback by how often he asked - in the past month, about half the time he paid, and half the time he asked me to split, and 1 time I paid the dinner bill because I invited him to a spontaneous dinner and felt I should pay since he hadn't planned for it. Previously it was not like I never paid - I would pay for small bills as a token of appreciation, like ice cream after dinner or coffee after lunch (side note: I believe it was The Rules that said paying for little things is fine). I chose to do so, I was happy to and it felt right, and he was appreciative. Haven't had any small bills lately.

I know he makes more than me, a moderate income, but I don't know how much exactly as he has not told me. I also know his income is significantly increasing soon due to a large raise and another income source. The timing of this with starting to ask to split the bill feels weird to me. He knows roughly how much I make (not much, I'm working on it).

Having spent some time with him and his friends, I've realize that the married and unmarried couples he is friends with split things 50/50 (as far as dinner bills go at least). It could be that he assumes the natural progression of a relationship means going 50/50. This is his first relationship.

He is so far the kindest, most attentive and considerate man I've dated. He seems to genuinely like and respect the women in his life (me, friends, coworkers). He's often giving little gifts/surprises to make me happy. He's always trying to spend more time with me. My friends like him and I like his friends. We have similar values overall. Everything was going really well but I am feeling unsure and resentful about this. I feel like...his generosity was not real? Or maybe he thinks he doesn't have to treat me anymore because he knows I'm invested now? We've been intimate but I haven't gone "all the way" yet.

I feel myself losing attraction for him. It's disappointing spending an hour or more getting all dolled up for a date, then splitting the bill like friends. He tells me I'm beautiful but I don't feel like putting in the effort to make myself beautiful anymore. He can always tell that something is off with me but he can't tell what, and I just tell him I'm tired.

Is there salvageable here or do I need to break up with him? I don't want a relationship full of resentment, I don't want a partner who eases his burden by adding to mine. Sorry this is so long, I just had a lot to get out.

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Post Information
Title Boyfriend becoming less generous after several months?
Author fogplum
Upvotes 87
Comments 13
Date April 17, 2022 12:07 AM UTC (4 months ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/boyfriend-becoming-less-generous-after-several.1112371
https://theredarchive.com/post/1112371
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/u5arwt/boyfriend_becoming_less_generous_after_several/
Comments

[–]oscine23 41 points42 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

When I was dating my ex-husband we split almost everything. We were young and unestablished in our careers, so it seemed logical. Never gave it a thought. Then we moved in together and we split bills. Never gave it a thought. Then the marriage and babies came and we both had good career jobs. Still splitting bills. But as he made more than me, we continued to do 50/50 and I was so used to it. I didn’t realize it was unfair until I mentioned it to my mom and she said, “What’s this 50/50 bullshit?” Lol We were headed for divorce by then.

So, because we never talked about it, I unwittingly boxed myself into this arrangement that did not benefit me at all. We’re divorced now and he makes twice what I do and yep…we’re still splitting everything. I screwed myself (I did my own divorce bc I was broke).

The moral of the story is talk to him now and get a feel for how he envisions the relationship financially and save yourself a headache if you’re dealing with a cheapskate.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]oscine23 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Well, some would say that his change in behavior is your answer and to be done with him. But if you want to have a conversation, simply ask him why he has become less generous and see what he says.

[–]NotSoSmartChick 31 points32 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It’s time to make it clear that you’re not interested in dating someone who prefers to split the bill. He can choose to resume paying for all dates, or he can decide that he’d prefer someone who doesn’t mind paying her own way. Just be prepared for him to choose the latter.

If he walks, it doesn’t make either of you right or wrong, just financially incompatible.

And for the record, I’m with you - I expect the man to pay when we go out.

[–]seraphinelysionFDS Specialist 121 points122 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Everything else aside, resentment is a relationship killer. If you're feeling resentment, there's really no coming back from that unless he addresses the problem, which means you will have to tell him in the good old fashion cOmMuNiCaTe way. It'll be up to you whether having that talk is worth it to you.

[–]super_thinker_ 29 points30 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

This. Any time resentment bubbles up in a relationship it’s a bad sign.

Resentment usually means 1. You have a need that isn’t being met 2. You have a boundary that’s being crossed 3. You need reassurance 4. You need space.

It sounds like it could be all 4 in this case, OP. I don’t think this guy is worth the anxiety.

[–][deleted]  (1 child) | Copy Link

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[–]super_thinker_ 14 points15 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I can’t tell you what to do but I’ve been down that road many times. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said “if he doesn’t innately feel the desire to treat me/invest in a relationship, no words are going to change that”. When a man’s truly ready for a relationship, that masculine need to provide is there and it’s strong.

[–]basuragoddess 74 points75 points  (3 children) | Copy Link

Personally, I feel that splitting the bill is not a thing until it comes to actually splitting real bills, as in living together or engaged. He should still be courting you at this point, and a decrease in effort is never a good sign. Like you pointed out, you get all dolled up for a date, spending your time and money to prepare, and suddenly he does not see the value in that 50% of the time. It’s not a good look.

I would definitely have a conversation about the mismatched values here. You know that you’re worth an extra $20-40 for him to feed you when y’all are out. If he can’t afford it (read: if he doesn’t prioritize spending the money to date you), then the best option is to probably walk away.

[–][deleted]  (2 children) | Copy Link

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[–]basuragoddess 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

That’s the risk we take. These men’s opinions ain’t shit. He’s gonna say nasty stuff if y’all break up anyway, if that’s the type of man he is. There’s just no avoiding it.

[–]Dontstopmenow2021 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I get it. Honestly, I would bring it up in a non threatening, non judgmental way. Not like "hey I'd like you to pay for the dates" but more in a "I'm sharing how I feel". I had such a conversation with my partner. You can even make it sound like it's a love language (which is somehow)....like "It's important for me to have a partner who is willing to pay for dates, it makes me feel appreciated and, although it sounds old fashion, it feels like my partner has my back". I even went as far as saying that I do put some efforts in the way I dress and doll up and it's really nice to feel that I played my part and my partner is playing his part. Now thankfully my partner's ex did teach him how to treat a woman (on that front at least)...so hopefully it goes well and he's receptive. If he's not, you did your best and you're just not compatible.

[–]snowwhite224 28 points29 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Automatic turn off for me!

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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