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Is there a benefit to not adding men on social media, to "keep the mystery" and require them to invest time and effort into getting to know you? What are your thoughts?

August 27, 2021

I've noticed a trend of men 'orbiting' me on instagram. Men I meet in real life through friends will follow me on Instagram the day after meeting me, after finding me on mutual friends' follower lists. They will not reach out or barely reach out, but they keep liking every post and watching every story without a word. I find it bizarre. I don't post much at all, I don't post any thirst traps, just cute, wholesome pictures of my friends and myself and places I go. For context, we're in our twenties.

With men I meet on OLD, on the other hand, it takes much longer to add each other on Instagram and we spend a while getting to know each other in person first. And well, they like me and keep pursuing without change after we follow each other on instagram. I've had men tell me I'm "mysterious" and they seem to like that. With the guys I meet in real life who immediately follow me on IG instead of asking for my number...it's like they're getting to know me through my Instagram profile (though it presents such a tiny fragment of who I am) and maybe already getting their fill, so to speak.

I know that there's a benefit to NOT adding men on social media to protect your privacy and potentially safety. I go through my follower/following list every so often and delete straight men that I'm not actually friends with.

I know that there's also a benefit to adding men on social media so that you can vet them.

At the risk of sounding like a PMAB, is it better to avoid adding men on social media specifically for the purpose of 'keeping the mystery' and requiring them to invest time and effort into getting to know you? Or are the men that do this weird shit not that interested or serious in the first place, so it doesn't even matter? What do you ladies think?

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Post Information
Title Is there a benefit to not adding men on social media, to "keep the mystery" and require them to invest time and effort into getting to know you? What are your thoughts?
Author fogplum
Upvotes 117
Comments 38
Date August 27, 2021 8:20 PM UTC (11 months ago)
Subreddit /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/is-there-a-benefit-to-not-adding-men-on-social.1065349
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/pcv9o0/is_there_a_benefit_to_not_adding_men_on_social/
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[–]gingerandlimeFDS Newbie 57 points58 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I'd be curious in getting some perspectives about this as well. I've definitely seen more low effort nonsense from people who were super fast to add me on social. Not that I've necessarily experienced across the board better things from people who weren't on social media or didn't add me quickly, but if they add me before even asking me out or after one date, it's never been a great sign. My personal feeling is that if someone feels like they have that level of access to your life and they're a low effort person, they'll feel like that's "enough" somehow, like you're saying. But I don't think it's because of anything about your or my social media, it's about their mindset.

[–]fogplumFDS Newbie[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

That's a really good point, a guy adding you on IG right off the bat could be indicative of character traits of laziness and low effort, so he wouldn't even want to deal with the effort of pursuing once he has some kind of access to you.

[–]Risas1239FDS Newbie 56 points57 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Satellites use hot women in their follows to have access to Hot Girl TV and get social clout by getting you to like their pics back (make it seem to other girls like tons of hot girls like them). If they were interested they would have reached out. Doesn’t seem like you’re attracted to them, so just delete them. They’re not your friends.

My rule is, if I haven’t had a one-on-one hang out with the person, they shouldn’t have access to my insta.

[–]fogplumFDS Newbie[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Satellites use hot women in their follows to have access to Hot Girl TV and get social clout by getting you to like their pics back (make it seem to other girls like tons of hot girls like them). If they were interested they would have reached out.

Damn. That explains it.

[–]ApprehensiveGiftBoxFDS Newbie 51 points52 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't know about strategy but I don't have any men on my private social media. I post pictures for myself to look back on, I don't want to risk nasty scrotes jerking off to my pictures (had several male "friends" admit to it, I'm scarred for life) or just generally being weird in my comments. I detest orbiters. I only add a guy after he becomes my boyfriend. I haven't seen any explicit benefit or extra interest from a guy in waiting to add him though.

[–]Platipus6FDS Apprentice 49 points50 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Social media is contributing to this voyeuristic/entitled mindset where women don't have boundaries.

He can snoop through all your shit and you don't know he was there. It's gross and paraphillic. imo it's led to the rise of burglaries, rapes, violent sex, home invasions, digital stalking, harassment and intrusions into women's spaces.

Men who do this don't respect women's boundaries and don't have the balls to ask you what they want to know. They want the cheap, easy, entitled option of spying on you while anonymous. It's depraved and cowardly.

Only interact with men who want to get to know you by interacting with you. Who aren't afraid to be known as well.

[–]eru378FDS Newbie 8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Love this answer. Real-world in-person actions and connections are what truly counts.

[–]pozzalovahFDS Apprentice 23 points24 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Avoids confusion and low effort and fake intimacy like likes /comments.

[–]LightningxxxFDS Newbie 16 points17 points  (9 children) | Copy Link

Honestly? I may be wrong, but before going on dates with guys from OLD, I add them on Instagram to vet their profile, see what kind of people comment on their pictures and how they engage with them, what kind of stories do they put up (to figure out their mentality). Your social media says a lot about you.

It does make me a bit unnerved that they now have access to my pictures, but then again they could save those pics from my dating profiles too. So honestly I add them just so I can scrutinise their Instagram before meeting up with them. I would want insight on this too.

[–]thepsychopathhunterFDS Newbie 12 points13 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Agreed! To the OP, I would suggest making your profile private if it’s not already. But, if a guy adds you, add him back briefly to scope his IG, gather intel as to whether you want to date him (e.g. a huge red flag is that their following list, likes and comments are filled with IG models/nude women/many girls their age - that means they already have a harem and are used to rotating women). It’s a huge time saver and you get emotionally disinterested early on when you see that and you can defriend them quickly to protect your privacy moving forward. It’s an automatic turn off.

[–]purasangriaRuthless Strategist 21 points22 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I've refused to date men after seeing his entire feed was Instagram fitness models 20 years his junior. I'm not competing with the soft porn on his Instagram feed. Of course I didn't tell him why; there were other red flags as well.

[–]TMac0601FDS Newbie 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Let them tell on themselves to you and other women after you who are smart enough to check.

[–]purasangriaRuthless Strategist 11 points12 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Make a different account just for this purpose and rarely post to it.

[–]Noemie_MathildeFDS Newbie 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

No selfies, just some pictures of a sunset and dogs that you googled.

[–]purasangriaRuthless Strategist 6 points7 points  (0 children) | Copy Link


[–]shockingupdateFDS Newbie 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If he’s not a recurring character in your life yet, probably not a good idea to add him. I got tired of friends of friends/former dates/exes orbiting my accounts so now I don’t add anyone I don’t plan on linking with regularly. Why use social media with people you don’t actually want to socialize with, you know?

[–]fogplumFDS Newbie[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Same, I'm tired of it. It's time to downsize.

[–]purasangriaRuthless Strategist 10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

When I was doing OLD, I never added them on social media. I refuse to add men that I'm dating on social media, bc i feel that it gives them the right to look into my life and check up on me, what I'm doing, etc.

Unless we're in a committed relationship, then I'll friend him. But I've had bad experiences with that in the past, with men accusing me of being online when I'm literally asleep just because the app is open on one of my devices, so it shows me "online" when I left the window open on my computer, even though the computer is asleep. It gives abusive and controlling men a way to keep tabs on you.

Men use social media as my a way to stalk and control. If he wants to know me, he can do so by setting me in person. He doesn't get too orbit on social and make up his own (probably false) narrative.

[–]DivineGoddess1111111FDS Newbie 9 points10 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Cynical me says they want to see if you are someone they can take advantage of. Mental health issues, oversharing, etc. My social media says very little about my actual life and my views. It's all home decorating and cats.

[–]MissouriBlueFDS Newbie 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don’t use social media. It adds nothing to my life.

This solves that cyber-stalker issue.

[–]Interesting-Bat3992FDS Newbie 16 points17 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

Never added them, including both HS and college. Even now in uni. It's called stalking. It's creepy. It's downright dangerous and terrifying. Don't.

[–]fogplumFDS Newbie[S] 7 points8 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

I mean it can be dangerous if the guy in question is dangerous, so follow your gut. But lots of guys do this and it's kind of just gen z culture. I've never accepted a follow request from someone who gave me the creeps. I've never felt afraid, it's merely annoying to me.

[–]Interesting-Bat3992FDS Newbie 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree with what you say. I'm gen z as well, and most of the guys only want material to fap, ridicule, orbit, gossip, harass, stalk and share the material with their "bros". If they have not made the effort to get to know me and not tip off my creep radar, why should I let them peep into my life and relationships? It's creepy to find out that Jason and Jackson know about my genre preference from a bookshelf in the far distance and my best friends upcoming trip when we both have no clue who the hell these people are.

[–]ComprehensiveAmoeba9FDS Apprentice 13 points14 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

It depends on how long you’ve known each other and how close you are in person. For example, if he’s a childhood friend it would be weird if he didn’t already have you on social media but on the other hand, if it’s someone you’ve met on OLD or an acquaintance you don’t know too well yet at work then I wouldn’t be friends on social media until you two are exclusive. I got in a relationship with someone from OLD and we didn’t add each other on FB, Instagram, etc until after three months when we called the relationship official and we both knew we would be committed to each other.

[–]fogplumFDS Newbie[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I got in a relationship with someone from OLD and we didn’t add each other on FB, Instagram, etc until after three months when we called the relationship official and we both knew we would be committed to each other.

This is how it went in my last relationship too so this behavior is new to me.

These are acquaintances I don't know well, though not from work - they're friends of friends. I think I'll just let follow requests sit there from now on.

[–]90860008FDS Newbie 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I think it depends really on what you have on your Instagram and how much access you want to give them to your life. I personally add guys I’m talking to for quite some time or taking somewhat “seriously” from old just to vet them further in terms of lifestyle, friendships, etc. many of them also have their full name on their instas so I use that to do a deep search on them lol. Whereas when you look at my Instagram, there aren’t many full face pictures of me, nothing “incriminating” such as sexy pictures and my name isn’t even on it so it’s hard for them to really get too many details about my personal life

[–]dancedancedance7FDS Newbie 4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I don't add anyone who I don't 100% want to. Who cares if it's rude, it's your insta, not a business communication. You are under zero obligation to respond.

[–]what-i-dont-knowFDS Newbie 8 points9 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

Is your Instagram public or private? If it’s private you add who you want. You don’t have to worry about random men looking at your photos.

But I only add men I’m officially dating. I don’t like having random men following me.

[–]fogplumFDS Newbie[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It's private but I felt the pressure to accept them because we run in similar circles and it would be perceived as rude not to. But I'm allowed to have a no boys allowed policy haha.

[–]imarriedmybookshelfFDS Newbie 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Idk if its considered strategy or just the way i am but i am super lowkey on social media. All my accounts are on private and i have a username on ig. I also keep my posts below 10 there and post every like...5 months or so so people dont get sick of me i suppose. I also dont add captions or comments or anything they could possibly allude to as my interests or emotions. No crypticness no emotions. Also i filter out those asking for follow requests. If its people i dont know i dont accept.

[–]nolongerhumeFDS Newbie 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

It seems weird because it is. They want access to you and your life without actually interacting with you. Socializing takes skill, effort and mutual participation. Social media allows people to skirt those requirements.

If it's not integral to your job and how you make a living, I really recommend deleting any social media that you can't participate anonymously in (reason why my reddit and twitter don't have any personal identifiers). At the very least, make them private and don't add distant scrotes who you don't communicate with on a regular basis outside of social media. If you wouldn't intentionally share your pictures and stories with them through text or in person, then why let them have access to it?

If they ask for your info/handle in person just say, "I don't have -- whatever social media account--" even if it's a lie. If it were a more delicate situation (such as at work) I would tell them to write their username for me and say "I would look them up". Then throw it away forever. Or just be straight up and honest with them. Whichever way deters them the fastest, use your judgement.

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[–]MrAndMrsCremgroblinPickmeisha™️ 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

What’s your age?

I’m 21 and I feel like adding people on social media is the norm even for just acquaintances- your number is more for closer people.

I feel like you should add men on social media- it’s a good way to judge their relationship status on who’s liking/commenting, and you can see what type of accounts they’re following.

[–]honeybeerollFDS Disciple 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I personally do not let random men I've only met like once follow me, cuz it's obvious they're only doing it cuz they think I'm hot. These straight up orbiters and lurkers gross me out. It even grosses me out when my friends have orbiters. These guys aren't interested in dating you. They're following you cuz they think you're hot, cuz maybe they want to get an ego boost/have a little fun flirting w/ you over DM eventually, or maybe cuz they'll see if you're DTF at some point. Granted they're following many women for these reasons.

It makes sense when dating to take a bit to add each other on social media. The best scenario is to get access to his immediately w/o giving access to yours lol. Or create a 2nd account where you have like 3 posts and no selfies, and then provide him access to your real account only when you're very sure about him.

[–]PinkBlair99FDS Newbie 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

I’m not interested in men who have social media. (But I’m 42, YMMV.)

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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