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Thoughts on a guy who does everything right on a first date except...walk me to my car?

October 9, 2021
53 upvotes

Met on OLD. We're in our mid twenties. To be fair I mentioned earlier that I was parked on the street close to the restaurant, but it was late night when we left. He held doors open, paid for dinner, great conversationalist, respectful, didn't try to get physical at all. We set a date for next weekend and he texted me after dinner that he had a lot of fun and was looking forward to next weekend and wants to have a phone call in between. He seems very interested in me and also very earnest. I get the feeling that he hasn't dated much and is not experienced.

What do you ladies think of this? I think he would be happy to walk me to my car if I asked, but I don't like that I would have to ask. A big issue with my ex was that after the initial courting period, during which he walked me to my car after dates, he stopped doing so and was resentful of doing it when I asked.

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Post Information
Title Thoughts on a guy who does everything right on a first date except...walk me to my car?
Author fogplum
Upvotes 53
Comments 10
Date October 9, 2021 6:06 PM UTC (10 months ago)
Subreddit /r/askFDS
Archive Link https://theredarchive.com/r/askFDS/thoughts-on-a-guy-who-does-everything-right-on-a.1076550
https://theredarchive.com/post/1076550
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/q4qlzu/thoughts_on_a_guy_who_does_everything_right_on_a/
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Comments

[–]ASeaOfQuotesFDS Specialist 147 points148 points  (2 children) | Copy Link

I personally wouldn’t call it a red flag, but more of a yellow. It’s possible he didn’t walk you to your car because he didn’t want you to be uncomfortable or feel pressured by an implication to kiss him goodbye or something else. It’s possible he was anxious and overlooked this out of first date nerves. It’s possible you two said goodbye preemptively and he felt like you didn’t want him to walk you to your car. Or he could just be a dunce who didn’t want to make an extra 5 mins of effort.

I’d mark it down as a yellow flag and continue to vet his behavior. Personally I’d ask him the next date to walk you to your car, and assuming he does and this second date went well, if there’s a date three you shouldn’t need to ask again. And if you do, that’s an upgrade to a red flag.

Dr. Annie Kaszina on the FDS podcast episode about narcissistic abusers talked about a 3 strike rule. These can be all sorts of things, small things, innocuous things, and for you you have to figure out what they would be. Not walking you to your car can definitely be strike one.

[–]sewingmachinesavior 26 points27 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

I agree with all of this. I am one who does want to be walked to my car. But not all women like it/feel safe, so it’s also personal.

[–]fogplum[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Thanks, great advice. I will ask him next time and see if he keeps it up without asking if we continue seeing each other.

[–]pancakeCEO 85 points86 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Not a red flag IMO. If I just met the guy, I would strongly prefer that he doesn't walk me to my car. I don't care how well the date went. He's a stranger. I don't want to feel cornered. I'll ask if I need a chaperone.

[–]NotSoSmartChick 14 points15 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

If he did everything else right, at the end of the next date I’d say something like “would you mind walking me to my car? It's just something I’m used to.” It lets him know there’s a standard that’s been set by his predecessors that you expect him to live up to. I also think saying it that way is better than saying it bothered you the first time. And never EVER tell him that an ex used to, then stopped - that’ll let him know that you’re willing to accept less effort once some time has passed.

[–]fogplum[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy Link

That approach sounds perfect, establishing a standard that I'm used to. Yes, I won't reveal anything negative about my ex/past relationship.

[–]Optimal_Grapefruit_5 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Wouldn't consider it a red flag, you did say you parked close by and maybe he didn't want to seem creepy or overdo it. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt for now, but next time do ask him if he can walk you to your car if it's important to you.

[–]orangechickengeneral 2 points3 points  (1 child) | Copy Link

He should have asked you if you'd like that or not.

[–]fogplum[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy Link

Yes, that would have been ideal.

You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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