How Do I Handle This?

stonepimpletilists · 2015-12-11T18:04:55+00:00

EDIT:this subs founders comment here links to some great examples

You need to have your shit together, just like /u/jacktenofhearts told you last time.

You have a bluepillprofessor wife, basically a woman who acts like a man(leadership) and until you have your shit together, anything you do will be a massive, failing shit test.

I get hesitant telling what I think here, you have a history of just taking the first advice on here, and rolling with it, and not thinking it through first. Now that the disclaimer is out of the way.

She gave you enough rope to hang yourself with, and you were hanging from the tree pretty quickly. Roll up your arms, suck it up, and learn followership. She's clearly the better man than you, and she knows it.

I would argue you can still have vision, and bring her on board, but you gotta be smart. Clearly, you want to be the man. Leading the household, the rock and oak from which she can lean on, and get wet from. You know you aren't there yet, either in hard skills or mentality. I'm assuming she would like it, but feels you're totally incapable. She has probably hamstered you into being the oldest child in the house.

Roll with it honestly. word this however you want (this is going to be very shitty wording) but the idea is:

~~I am not a great man in my own judgement. I'm miserable because of it. I have a great wife, and a great life, and it's something I need, so I will get there. I need your help.(got that hurts to write)~~

Got I hate to read that over. Maybe don't say that, but internalize that message and act as if those are the points you are focused on.

She's going to be a control freak, she's going to be a battle axe, and theres been enough examples that she full on knows that whatever you do will be inadequate (even if it isn't the well is poisoned) Like it was said before, either one of you will buckle, or you will divorce. Don't fight the losing battle. Divorce is on the table at any time you wish, so no point bringing it to a head when you don't have to.

Learn to lead.

Go full retard on this. Like basic training. completely throw away your time distractions. no games, no drinking, no porn.... whatever it is you do that isn't 100% on task to your mission (man up) Sleep 6 hours a day because you have to wake up early to plan whatever tasks your day has. Study late at night, so when you take your daughter to the clinic, you know her blood type, her allergies, basically able to answer any question or problem, and before she has a chance to speak up. Nothing is too insignificant, nothing too small a task to perfect. Can't workout because someone has soccer practice? 5AM workout then. My most alpha married friend still does that every day, his kids are 5 and 4, he pulls an 8 hour day, and still has time for daycare, school visits, and generally has that house on an excel spreadsheet of a well oiled machine.

Basic training, primary leadership qualification course, most of these type of things last about 10 weeks, or 3 months. Aim for that, and readjust as needed. Ask for help if you don't know something, but give it a sincere try yourself first, and come with a "hey, picking up wine for the party, is there something I should be thinking of here?" not just a "hey, so what am I doing again?"

For the next three months, your job is to be god, all seeing, all knowing, planning three steps ahead, and with complete situational awareness. No ego, like an internship for the household.

situational awareness. That was the word I was looking for. Every action that you take, think about how it affects the players around you. It's not just a bottle of wine. it's remembering last time cindy was at your place, that she got sick off red wine, and your wife lost 'social points', and ends up taking it out on you in an emotional outburst. Maybe you don't know exactly what might be needed here, but you do remember that last time, cindy was acting shitty at the dinner party, so you know it's not about the wine here. Nothing wrong with an incendental conversation like a woman would have. Talk about the last dinner party, she'll talk about the parts she remembers as important, thats how people talk about things. Make notes of things, because when they come up, you'll know where her mind is at.

This signals that you are aware of these things, and while you may not have the answer, you know where to get it. You know your limitations, and you show growth. Forget about how this makes you look subordinate to her, because until you have your shit together, thats the only way this will work. Learn to follow, because it's how you learn to lead.

I know it sounds like you're dancing like a monkey to impress her, but it isn't. Right now she's just better than you, and you both know it. So learn, watch, ask. Steal every ounce of value from her. Not just her, anyone in your life with their shit together. Watch, learn ask, mimic.

And for the love of god, don't ever look for an 'attaboy' for doing anything right. Think of it like the baseline of leadership you should have had all along. No one gets thanked for what they are supposed to do. If she ever gives a 'thank you' or an appreciation, just look confused. Think of it like she thanked you for breathing, it's what you're supposed to do.

As far as the romance part, you've never talked about a problem there, so I wouldn't change anything. no punishing her for being hotter than you, no dread other than 1-5.

then after all this

At some point, you'll start to slowly take control of the house from her, a task here, a task there. One day, you will know you are there when she comes to you, hat in hand with a problem she knows you are the one who can handle, and she can't. Thats the day (maybe a month, maybe a year from now) where you notice you've slowly been leading the house, and are now the captain.

thoughts

Never talk about the red pill again. If she brings it up, shrug. We aren't your excuse, this is YOUR MAP
When you can't think of something to say that adds value, don't say anything. This mostly comes in handy when she's emotional or mad. Let her punch herself out, see if there is a genuine complaint, and rectify it. If it's just her running her emotional mouth, just be the rock, let it bounce off
Accept that divorce is a real possibility. When I said before that you're not doing this for her, internalize that. Assume you will be divorced by the end of the year (next year) and your goal is to use this lull to build the best man you can. She's now the jaded cop waiting out her pension.
Don't apologize if you fuck something up. Talk about what went wrong, what should have happened, or maybe it was out of your control. Do it as if you are giving yourself an 'after action report' out loud. You're not explaining or rationalizing it to her, you're just stating facts. e.g. yeah, I didn't think about what one of our houseguests would want, that's what a good host would do. Being the social butterfly is where you shine babe. Here, I have (solution showing you understand what is done here) you can slap the shit out of me after they leave, kiss on forehead, plan in action (I don't know if you know how to self decpricate as a joke, so whatever works here) Don't let her brow beat you. Hey, you've seen where things went wrong, you noted it, and it's not happening again. End of conversation The point of this is to grow, and to have her as part of the process. It's not a power game
If you didn't fuck up, but she thinks you did, don't cower, don't agree, AA and AM that shit. she expects you to walk on water, tell her that it isn't happening, in whatever manner you see fit. You are your own judge, not her, she's merely facilitating your journey
Ignore emails, texts, basically any non face to face conversation about emotions. If it's important, it's face to face important, and anything you say will be fucked up by emoticons and run on sentences. I'm sure theres some way to mention the text I've crossed off above without it sounding as bad as it did, but I can't think of it right now. Your MAP doesn't involve her, so nothing from this point out involves you stepping back into the role of 'REDPILL fuckup'. The example I think of here when someone is running their mouth to me about how shitty I am, sit there, listen to it all. Then just reply with "Noted" and end the conversation. Take value from it if any, but you still have to have frame.

Don't ever admit anything about your MAP, except for maybe the vision of it. Why are you getting up at 5AM? shit to do today babe. Fog, fog, fog.

Why are you up so late with the (childrens medical papers, whatever)? Hmm(shrug) was it that late? Fog every attempt for her to see how you're making the special sauce, because all it's doing is building a case for her to shit on you for.

whinemoreplease · 2015-12-12T08:09:41+00:00

At this point, having read this, you should just dump her. I'd bet money you could do better. sidenote: that thread was more entertaining than a lot of tv shows.

/u/Vampiresquidina's sole redeeming trait, from what I've gathered, is that she's hot - and that's probably going to go away soon. she's shamelessly described herself as a harpy and has demonstrated that she's an unpleasant person.

expect better.

edit: Oh. I forgot to mention the main reason you should be ditching her. She is so completely self centered on her own wants, that she isn't at all capable of, nor does she give a fuck about, your happiness, satisfaction, or well-being.

the reason she wants to stay married has nothing to do with you being happy.

strategos_autokrator · 2015-12-11T21:20:32+00:00

I wrote this post about how to lead a woman that doesn't let you.

Talk less, act more. If she is running her mouth, don't engage. Stay strong, maintain frame. It is the only way she will trust you frame.

enfier · 2015-12-11T22:35:35+00:00

It doesn't matter what you say. You could give a speech worthy of an Emmy, you could say nothing and shrug, you could tell her to shut the fuck up and get out of your face or you could spend 3 hours rationally explaining exactly why you need the Captains hat and how great you've been doing. It makes zero difference really. Well some of those options take a lot less time and effort than the others. I'd personally delete it and say nothing, as those words change nothing and they are more about your wife then they are about you.

All that matters is what you do. If you are handling shit, then eventually this is going to come around. Growing pains are to be expected and your wife is going to lash out like this again. Personal change is hard and both you and your wife are going through it.

I know she's reading this. For your wife: Do you want to live in a house with an extra kid or one with a leader? You can't take a fucking break right now because you can't let go of control. If you want to be in control, then you will always be on the hook. It doesn't matter if you can do it better, if you want a vacation from responsibility and to just enjoy the moment you have to let go.

Next up for OP, is stop qualifying yourself to your wife. You don't need to convince her. It's not important. Don't waste your breath. Stop asking us what to do, she's reading it and it's making you look weak. A real captain wouldn't be on his cell phone Googling "how to navigate a boat" in front of the crew. It destroys all confidence. You'll need to decide for yourself and then do it. Talk to the guys on IRC, get BPP's cell number or something, but stop coming here to solve your problems.

cholomite · 2015-12-11T17:20:15+00:00

You need to shut the fuck up, stop worrying about your wife and her feelings and just handle your shit, and keep improving. Why are you worried about running your mouth like an idiot? Are you really that much in your wife's frame that she can turn you into a blubbering idiot and there's nothing you can do? Also, I think you need to cut off this whole "red pill couple" cutesy bullshit. If I were you I'd delete this username so your wife can't read your posts and see through your shit. Come back with a new name and start fresh if you want. Every post you make that your wife is aware of just further solidifies you as a beta in her eyes. She doesn't want to get fucked by a guy who had to learn how to become alpha on the internet. She doesn't respect you enough to let you be her captain. Stop talking and earn her respect through your actions.

alpha_n3rd · 2015-12-11T17:51:52+00:00

What is there to say about her email? Nothing. Nothing at all. It's just a bunch of shit testing and hamstering.

rurpe · 2015-12-11T20:58:03+00:00

I don't need another Daddy to take care of me...I need a partner who will roll up his sleeves...or are you going to put on a newspaper hat and play pirate captain?

She wants a leader not a boss. Here is the difference: http://i.imgur.com/VAqJVbU.jpg

What is you mission? What are you doing to lead?

TheOakenshield · 2015-12-11T23:10:26+00:00

So much for First Officer, huh?

Dude give it up. People on this forum have wasted to much time and energy on you. This is the third time you've come on here like this and you aren't listening. Half the guys here would trade you wives. You have a few choices:

Keep playing Captain and I honestly believe your wife leaves and finds a better man.
Quit playing Captain and let her lead.
Quit playing Captain and actually be one.

irateMD · 2015-12-11T17:50:41+00:00

I'd have a big Jolly Roger flag on the wall, and the kids and myself in pirate garb when she gets home.

When the kids are in bed, make some time to have a conversation.
- You love, value, and respect her.
- You appreciate that she stepped up to the plate when you were neglecting your responsibilities.
- You were lazy. You can't be lazy any more.
- She has earned your respect through all the work she has put into the marriage.
- It is your job to earn her respect.
- You don't expect her to bow to you, you want a partner, but you do expect her to honor and support your commitment to self-improvement.
- You will address small issues as they arise and try to kill any covert contracts, and you expect her to do the same.
- You can see that she feels that the terms of the relationship were changed without her consent.
- What does she want to do now?

Consider all of the above, even if you don't say it. Consider her perspective, particularly the legitimate complaints without getting defensive. Don't DEER. If you have time, read a bit about fogging and negative inquiry. Do not walk away - this isn't the time for dread. This is main event, multi-day mega shit test territory. The worst part is that she has some legitimate gripes about the past decade. All you can do is deal with what's happening now and going forward.

Agree with /u/cholomite that you need a new reddit account for the red pill.

She wants it to work, but she sucks at conflict, so you have to be twice as good. You can do it as long as you own your shit.

marxistbacon · 2015-12-11T17:06:31+00:00

I don't see any specific question here. What I see is a guy who can't handle conflict, is looking for valid "excuses" to DEER with, and who basically doesn't have any idea what he wants to accomplish, let alone accomplish it.

Sure, your wife is using aggressive power-bitch talk with all the "What I need is..." and put-downs about you playing like a little boy. And so your first response to that is that you are stuck and can't deal with it? Damn, that solid frame is a veritable house of cards.

Decide what YOU want, and don't let her trying to shit all over it derail you. That email exchange sounds like she's having to decide what "you" (as a couple) wants and needs and you're just trying to duck and cover while she puts on your pants and sets the tone for your life.

How do I handle this when she gets home, without running my mouth like an idiot?

For starters, by not running your mouth like an idiot.

alphabeta49 · 2015-12-11T17:06:59+00:00

Everyone loves a boss who gets down and dirty in the trenches with them. Everyone hates a boss who barks orders from his high horse.

Which one are you?

P.S. Don't worry about her words. Watch what she does.

P.P.S. This is why you DON'T. TALK. ABOUT. FIGHT. CLUB.

Edit: she needs to calm her tits. Seriously. What a harpy.

exbp · 2015-12-11T18:06:03+00:00

If the RP rule is "don't listen to what they say", then that goes triple for what they type.

We'd all call you a pussy if you started a relationship argument with an email. So based on her level of shit-testing, I'd call her out on it: "In the future if there's an issue, please address me face-to-face. I'm too busy to argue via text or email".

Then I'd tell her rule #1 is action, not words. If she's got something specific then let's hear it.

FearDearg2015 · 2015-12-12T19:30:44+00:00

The problem you have right now is that you think you need special advice for your special situation. The advice is always the same, because it always works. Lift, read, STFU. That's the core message, and the rest (dread etc) is further finessing once you've got the basics covered.

I'm still not convinced that you are not a troll, but so far, we havnt banned you yet. You are only allowed to have one victim puke. This is your last warning. Stop coming in here and just spewing the stuff that she said to you and looking for answers to her challenges. Speak with a lawyer (prepare for the worst) and start acting like a fun, reliable, alpha male prize husband (hope for the best). Maybe you layed on the dread too heavy or too soon. Maybe you tried to force the dread on her. Stupid. You have no control over her. You never will. That's not the goal. Your goal is not to be some puppet master, your goal is to start owning your own shit and providing a safe environment for your family. You've been acting (and continue to act) like a teenager throwing a tantrum : "its not fair! I want to be in control for a change". You can only control yourself. Start doing that. Stop letting her control you. Don't try to control her. You cannot. Ever. If she wants to, she can line up behind you and follow you to a future of happiness. If she doesn't, someone else will, and vampiresquidina will hit the wall hard.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-12-15T07:20:37+00:00

Late to the party. Strongly disagree that now is the time to quit. I think vamp is struggling to understand and failing badly. I think if her husband put in half the work on himself that she has put in trying to understand then he would be a leader she could follow.

Also I have said before the pill is not a master/slave thing it is captain/fo. You interpret how that works with your wife. My wife is a fleet admiral in the regular navy but on my ship she is first officer. She is not a surrendered wife and it is a continual battle.

If wifey doesn't even think you are rowing your fair share it is hard to look to a slacker for leadership.

MRPguy · 2015-12-13T21:51:30+00:00

You may not be able to handle it. The relationship may never work how you or she want it to. That's simply a fact that needs to be on the table.

Title	How Do I Handle This?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	5
Comments	45
Date	December 11, 2015 4:31 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3we68b/how_do_i_handle_this/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/how-do-i-handle-this.207831 https://theredarchive.com/post/207831

Comments

Learn to lead.

then after all this

thoughts