I have crippling AA and it's bogging down my confidence. I've been at it for a year now.

Zaxneo · 2014-01-24T20:39:25+00:00

Hey man, for what its worth, I felt the same way my first semester of college. What's helped me get over AA was to first approach guys i didn't know and start a conversation with them. Eventually I came to realization that approaching a girl for the first time is exactly like approaching a guy for the first time. And in all honesty, whatever the horrible scenario that you imagine is going to happen when you talk to a girl won't happen. People are naturally inclined to be polite, at least from my experiences. Anyways, the seddit community is rooting for you man, you can do it!

montrealite · 2014-01-24T20:53:09+00:00

Here's an idea out of left field:

Make it a game for yourself to do the worst approach you can come up with. Try to fail intentionally with every approach. Make it hilariously bad.

You'll find that the worst case is never bad at all.

$0.02

TonyDAbsolute · 2014-01-24T22:58:00+00:00

Quit telling yourself you have "crippling AA." You are perpetuating this behaviour. Tell yourself, "I'm confident," "I'm attractive," "I'm never afraid of talking to girls."

And of course practice more.

a_nus · 2014-01-24T20:46:36+00:00

Think of everyone as humans, just like yourself. Some people you approach might even have as much or more AA than yourself!

Don't look at anyone as 'superior' to you, because no one is.

Some of us naturally have more AA than others. It's not our fault, we didn't choose to have it, it just is. So don't put yourself down for it either. Practice and expose yourself. The first 100 times might be hell. However slowly but surely you'll condition your brain to not be intimidated by approaching women.

Tombstone31 · 2014-01-24T21:16:32+00:00

First thought - some people naturally have very little or no AA, some people have a lot. I personally used to have a lot, but I got over it. You're not at a disadvantage, necessarily, because having AA can be a side effect of some very beneficial personality traits, such as a finely tuned social awareness. It's just that your struggle will be different than the struggle many other guys face.

So, for me, the only way to get over the fear was to face it many, many times. No amount of reading or affirmations helped. Instead, for me, the standard approach games are what really, really worked:

Give a friend $100 (or $20, or whatever), and every time you approach, you get $20 (or $5) back.

Do 3 warm up sets that don't "count."

Play a game with your wingman, where you take turns approaching. No hesitation allowed. Your wingman approaches, you wing, and when you're done with the set, it's immediately your turn to approach. As soon as you see a set, you go. (My wingman and I used to only do non-mixed sets of 2-3 girls to reduce the excuses not to approach - so, as soon as we saw such a set, we had to approach).

It will fucking SUCK for a long time, but it WILL get better. And maybe you'll even get to a point where you take pride in your ability to approach and open any set. Finally, having wingmen who you like, who support you, and who encourage you can make a big difference.

whatwhatwtf · 2014-01-25T03:06:51+00:00

The problem with this whole thing, you know, this "thing" of the community and socializing and the pressure you put on yourself if, once you start down it, you perceive this huge gap from where you are to where you want to be, and that fuck, sometimes it is overwhelming and you look at it all and you try to do it and when it crumples into a big fucking heap at the end of the night of sarging you feel like shit.

Well I am here to tell you, it's a road of pain. The way I see it you have two maybe three choices you can go do it — Maybe you will put the work into it to get good, and take it as a challenge. But it's a hell of a lot of work and it is shit getting your dick kicked in the dirt and let me tell you what no one tells you; at the end, sometimes it is for shit. Because when you finally meet the girl and you want to have a relationship, it's a shit one because she loved you because you were a player, she hates you for being a player, she'll always be jealous and taint the relationship with that, and when you do settle down she won't believe it and insist you change and when you do finally get into a groove with each other, you'll mellow out and change and she'll resent you for it. The road of the player is often fucked up and it's not what you think, but I can't explain it properly but if you go there hold on to the thought; you are allowed to live your life on your own terms, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Your second choice is keep going down the road but do it half ass like you are. This is shit too, because you'll do it because it hurts to go forward and it will hurt to go back and you'll hate yourself for it. This road of pain sucks, because you're just standing there with your head fucking down and your shoulders slumped. And maybe you'll meet some chick, and you'll be desperate and she'll make your life miserable by being in charge of every aspect of your life, because you'll always be looking at the hot waitress at applebees, because you're a fucking dude and that's what we are programmed to do. But hear me, she'll make you pay for every fucking glance. But whatever this is the way it is for most guys... You don't want to make waves so you be cool and mellow, and even though she wants to be in charge she hates you for letting her be.

Your third choice would have been to build a fucking time machine and roll back the clock and hope to god some one clued you in on women and you could go back to the beginning and get in shape and get a reasonable normal chick before the go baggage central on you. Fugghedaboutit. Unless you got a degree from MIT this ain't gonna happen and besides the best you can hope for is 60/40 in a relationship. You know this guy. He's your neighbor down the street a college buddy whatever. The menu is all you can eat but it is always the same blah blah blah. Those relationships always end up the same — You just want to get along, she'll secretly hate you for putting up with her shit, shit will get boring after she stops having sex with you after you lose half your life and all your hair working your ass off, some smart secretary will smell the whipped in you, offer to give you a couple humdingers and soon you're in divorce, paying alimony to the first and in a few years the second.

So your last and final choice my friend is the one you should have made in the beginning, one that your father and brother and men around you should have told you years ago, but because we are a society raised by women have not allowed. You shall not make be ashamed of your wants and needs as a man. You have permission to go and talk to anyone you want. You do not need any of this other "stuff" — Your anxiety is based in the "thing" of having to go over with some expectation and idea of having an experience, when it should be the thought that you just want to do ie I wanted to come over and meet you and see if you are cool.

"This" all this community stuff, ugh it is ugly, it is beautiful, it is tough, it is horrible and sometimes it is true — and there is some necessity, what is necessary is this — You should be able and capable to know thyself, you should be able and capable of sharing complex ideas and emotions to other people. You have to be able to connect with people on either, intellectual, emotional or physical level. Even the most mellow introvert who likes to cocoon in warm wraps and lock the door and sit on the couch away from others, if this is who you are, embrace that, covet that, define that and learn to unabashedly share that, the trick is just finding the other.

Or fuck, just get popcorn for one and say fuck all that other shit.

suppermick · 2014-01-24T21:37:16+00:00

Find a good wingman to throw you into the deep end of the pool. You already know how to swim. "have you met Ted? "

ThePUA_Baddie · 2014-01-24T22:04:41+00:00

I use to be like that in highschool. But now I'm going to a college where the majority of students are girls so first year I literally had to befriend the girls or not hang out with anyone. And since it was the first year everyone wanted to make friends so eventually I got use to talking with girls and having them around me that it wasn't a big deal anymore and I'd just talk to them like any other person.

What I suggest you do is to start hanging out with a lot more girls and getting some girls in your social circle. Or trying to enter a social circle that has some girls in it. Are you social? If you aren't that social and you truly have the worst AA imaginable what I recommend you do is start cold approaching girls out in the day. Do you have a mall close by or some place public where you can be anonymous? If you really want to remove all the social pressure you have when it comes with talking to girls then you will do this.

But honestly man, the best advice I can give you is to not worry if the conversation dies. Just have fun with it and talk to people. Some girls won't be willing to have a conversation with you for one reason or another or they may keep their responses short. If you're a guy with some positive successes with women in your life you'll realize that you have a decent amount of social skills and if one or two girls don't want to talk to you it's not even a big deal. So go out there and get more field experience, surround yourself with women and most importantly just have FUN with it. Make yourself laugh when you talk with these girls, enjoy the moment, do it because you're having fun, not for the sake of carrying a conversation.

MrStinky · 2014-01-25T01:49:12+00:00

Here you go. Now don't say I don't love you

2014-01-25T04:51:02+00:00

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thehigheststatusmale · 2014-01-24T21:30:24+00:00

alcohol. caffeine. piracetam.

you have limiting beliefs and you need some reference experiences to fix them.

EffectiveExistence · 2014-01-24T21:07:33+00:00

What is AA?

Dakunaa · 2014-01-24T21:09:05+00:00

Do an activity which forces you to interact with women, like a dancing class. Once you get over the first hump it'll all get easier.

BitingInsects · 2014-01-25T03:48:15+00:00

Classic, start with less attractive girls and work your way up throughout the night.

torquesteer · 2014-01-25T05:09:22+00:00

First of all, badminton is an opportunity to be social. Don't blame it or use it as an excuse. But I kinda get where you're coming from now.

Second of all, realize that AA is a very real thing that everybody deals with, but the reason for it is completely illogical. That is to say, the fear within you can never materialize, so the fear is irrational. More on this later. But it's there and it doesn't go away by itself so let's talk and do something about it.

To overcome it, you have to take action. There is no shortcut to it, but even if there was, you want to take direct action. I'll talk about some situational approaches later, but they are way less effective. What you want to do is swallow your fear, look at the girl, and take the first step toward her. What happens next is pure aggression, like evel knievel rolling his bike toward the ramp. There is no stopping. You are in it to win it.

You make contact, and at this moment, you will feel like you are in the air. A few seconds of absolute fear are replaced by pure unadulterated adrenaline. You will die. And when you land, you will be reborn a new man. From the girl's perspective, you are absolutely vulnerable, and she likes a man who's willing take risks.

I said that the fear is irrational, and you will see why. The girl doesn't know or care about your anxiety. She's not out to intimidate you, she doesn't even know you exist yet. She's just being herself, and now she is mildly surprised and fairly intrigued. Yes, the first few times you will stamper. It's not the end of the world. Just say you wanted to meet her. Nothing more, nothing less.

Most of the time, it's fairly anti climatic. You ask if you can sit down or if she'd like a drink, and she'll say she has a bf or she's busy. It's not a reflection on who you do, or how you performed. She's just not interested at that very moment. Just let her be.

Sometimes she's intrigued and she says hi enthusiastically. You can definitely tell when she's interested. Then you say something along the line of "okay let me tell you more about myself..." It's not a job interview but at this point you are in the lead and don't relinquish it unless you have to. Start opening up. It's now or never. Talk about the most interesting in the room at that moment--you. Say whatever is on your mind. It doesn't have to be right, but it has to be real and genuine. You are letting her experience your emotions.

There are times you are in some weird situations that bring you together with her. These are situational approaches, like being in line for the bathroom or at the bar. I wouldn't try too hard in these situations. Say hi and introduce yourself, but since you didn't take the leap of faith, there is no reason for her to do it also. Look for an opportunity to pull her along to whatever you feel like doing, but don't force it if it's not there.

Do this enough times it becomes second nature. It becomes a habit that you'll find impossible to break. The thrill itself is so rewarding that you'll be out there looking for more daring and risky ways to approach. You'll do less asking and more telling. You won't need any type of permission any more to approach. At times, you'll use your "boss" voice "hey you, come here!" And she'll respond to that more positively anything you've done before. But that takes practice and it's not something you can fake.

So there you are. That's the journey ahead of you. Not everyone can approach. But if you find that you can and must, then you'll realize the amount of untold powers that it brings. Powers that you would only miss out if you let fear govern your behaviors.

aintnothnbutathang · 2014-01-25T07:38:16+00:00

Mark Manson actually has a good post on this, I forgot what he calls it but basically for people like you and me what works better than "just do it" is gradually desensitizing yourself to social anxieties.

Here's an example:

make eye contact with 5 people every day
smile at 5 people every day
smile at 5 girls every day
say "how are you doin?" to every cashier you checkout with

For some people, this is the right amount of difficulty to start with and it's easy to gradually increase the challenges from there without ever stressing yourself out too much.

Mark Manson explains it better in his post, you should read it: http://postmasculine.com/improving-quickly

thepresley · 2014-01-26T00:14:58+00:00

The best thing that worked for me was the 3-second rule. See something you like, and approach within 3 seconds. Tell them why you're talking to them, and what you want. If it fails, just keep trying. Never give up!

lemahl · 2014-01-25T03:57:49+00:00

Are there any girls you have a lot in common with? (plays badminton, likes the same music or movies, comes from a similar place or culture you can get nostalgic about) Conversations are meant to ebb, but they start up again when you have a real connection. It's easier to talk about things you'd naturally talk about anyway.

2014-01-25T04:32:43+00:00

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bloodbag · 2014-01-25T07:03:10+00:00

Yesterday I went cliff diving...I have a fear of heights. I went out drinking afterwards, and had no problem with talking to girls all night.

Go challenge yourself, overcome something, free yourself from something else first

Shalayda · 2014-01-25T07:52:14+00:00

This is what worked for me. Just talk to people to talk to people. The more social you are when you're out the easier it is. You'll always feel a little anxious, but from talking to so many people you'll likely have tons of positive reinforcement. People like to shoot the shit for the most part. If you're at a bar getting a drink say what's up to the person next to you and start a little conversation. From there talk to other people you cross paths with.

Take baby steps. Start with saying hi to people. When that becomes easy start with small talk after saying hi, etc,. You'll get there!

KitsBeach · 2014-01-25T10:49:38+00:00

Hey man. I'm not a dude, we can talk if you want. I like astronomy, some video games, talking about other people's academic passions, any of their passions really. I also like animals and I'm starting to dabble in extreme sports. See? Just a person :)

(But seriously, if you want to practice talking to a girl, drop me a line. It won't be the same as approaching but it's something, which isn't nothing right?)

bababastard · 2014-01-25T19:13:41+00:00

I had the same problem, and I still do depending on my mood. What helped me was noticing the way I acted when I wasn't trying to pick up girls. I just did whatever was going to be fun, and regardless of whether I want to find someone to sleep with, I still want to be engaging and fun to be around. So if I was out and saw people having a good time (male or female), I'd try to get in on it. I don't think it ever ended badly. Most people are happy to cut up with a stranger when they're already having fun.

Or, another example: you're at a bar waiting for a drink, and you overhear two people talking. They give you an opening to say something funny. Take it. Doesn't matter that they don't know you, or that you weren't part of their conversation. Funny is funny. But just say it to be funny, not with the expectation that the interaction will continue beyond that. (Maybe it will, but that's not the point.) That works for more than just being funny. Is it interesting, relevant, etc.? If you'd say it to a friend, say it to a stranger.

I guess this sounds like outcome independence. Don't get bogged down with lingo and memorizing routines and all that. Stop looking at each interaction as a test to see if you can get laid. Have as many interactions as you can, with the goal of having fun. If you're nervous, it will show, so take away any reason to be nervous. You have literally nothing riding on the success of any particular interaction. Think of it like a slot machine that doesn't cost money to play. Or maybe a scratch-off. These aren't very good analogies, sorry. Point is, there's no penalty for failure. Anything negative you experience as a result of failure, you do to yourself.

cody_au · 2014-02-01T18:45:44+00:00

I was expecting you to say you approach a lot but still struggle with AA, which is an extremely common complaint.

But it seems you have AA so bad that you haven't even approached anyone yet.

You might need to pay for professional help. Someone to go out with you and forcibly get you into sets. Something of yours (money) on the line to make sure you stick to your commitment to find the girl that is waiting for you somewhere out there.

Guys with the worst AA in the world are literally still approaching. They are approaching girls, while shaking so violently they are spilling their drinks. They are almost on the border of tears and shitting themselves. They are doing it and making complete fools of themselves.

If you can't even force through it enough to do that you're not even at the starting line. You're at home watching the race on TV.

Blueburn67 · 2014-01-25T03:50:49+00:00

Ask yourself what is stopping you. Realize any obstacles and focus on how you'll overcome them. Ain't a thing but a chicken wing!

2014-01-24T22:41:18+00:00

MAN THE FUCK UP.

Every time I go out and get too scared to talk to girls, I go hope and talk to myself in the mirror. "MAN THE FUCK UP" I say. Over and over until the testosterone is pumping and I'm mad. Does fucking Hercules or James Bond have approach anxiety? Of COURSE they do. But they man the fuck up and get er done.

leftajar · 2014-01-24T23:02:38+00:00

Dude, you need to experience a fearless, fun-seeking state.

This might sound hardcore, but here it is: try drugs.

Get drunk. Try MDMA (ecstasy). Hell, do some shrooms so you can figure out why you're afraid of people.

(Obviously, don't do all this stuff at the same time!)

You'll find, on some drugs, you just feel great. It spawns all kinds of new, empowering behaviors. What it'll do, is SHOW you, that these behaviors are already within you, already within your capability. They're there for you to access. The idea is, we want to give you a reference experience of what it feels like to feel great and be successful with women.

Point is, it's time for something drastic. I've made permanent gains from using drugs, and you can too.

n8dawwg · 2014-01-24T21:49:33+00:00

Dont put girls on such a pedestal. They are just people, well actually think of them less than people and that you are superior to them and you should have no trouble at all.

2014-01-25T01:00:40+00:00

I don't know what to do.

Yes you do. You approach.

not_2_smart · 2014-01-24T23:24:53+00:00

Alcoholics anonymous? African american? Quit fucken abbreviation shit because there are so many different options that all mean different things.

Title	I have crippling AA and it's bogging down my confidence. I've been at it for a year now.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	96
Comments	60
Date	January 24, 2014 8:05 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1w247v/i_have_crippling_aa_and_its_bogging_down_my/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/i-have-crippling-aa-and-its-bogging-down-my.1364922 https://theredarchive.com/post/1364922

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