First Cold Approach Since the Divorce. Thoughts?

iXbrian · 2018-03-07T18:30:33+00:00

yeah you stood there interviewing her.

try and answer this, where in the interaction did you try and build attraction?

Doc_holidazed · 2018-03-07T18:59:45+00:00

Nice, you have a great foundation. This was a pretty normal interaction that didn't go anywhere probably because she just wasn't attracted to you / in the mood / had a boyfriend / a million other reasons that don't matter. Your reaction after she left shows you came from the right place on your approach -- you showed up as a man and did your job by saying hello, and your life is no worse because she walked away. In fact, it's better because you made the approach and screened out a chick.

Anyway, what you did is commonly referred to as "interview mode." You asked all the questions. At some point, you need to go for what is called a "hook", meaning you get her interest. This is the core of game. You hook by triggering investment from her, normally in the form of positive (or negative) emotions. You need to give her a reason to start investing interest in you. Sometimes just having the outward confidence of saying hello will establish this, or her physical attraction to you, but most of the time you establish a hook point through game.

For example, she says she likes helping people. You can say exactly what you said, but add an opportunity to hook... "I'm in touch with that emotion, I love being able to help people through my career... [I work as a school teacher, and there is nothing better than helping a struggling student get to that light bulb moment]." This statement is said with enthusiasm and confident eye contact. If it hooks, she'll probably ask you a question or show some kind of interest (referred to as throwing IOIs). If she doesn't care, you continue to interview until you find something else to try and hook on.

Some guys hook by spiking a negative emotion, or through a tease, or a joke. "My ex was a nurse and she always pretended her life was like Grey's Anatomy. If I learned anything about the medical field, its that you are all divas." You attempted to make a joke with the "you are like a hero line", and who knows, some girls might find that really funny and be hooked by it. You use questions to probe for something to hook on.

Some guys hook on humor, brutal honesty, being weird, being fun, being too cool for school, teasing, etc... the list goes on. What hooks depends on a) the guy and b) the girl.

How you hook all comes down to style, and how good your game is. Furthermore, two guys can say the exact same thing to a girl and one will hook and the other won't.

The TLDR: you asked all the questions. Offer something interesting to the conversation about yourself to get her interest. She walked away without knowing anything about who you are and what you are about.

ImJustSo · 2018-03-07T20:46:32+00:00

Interview in a coffee shop is never a good vibe, but all you need to do is start up the banter, tease, then flirt.

When you start seeing signs that she's interested, then that's when you give her what she wants, which would be a date. You tossed the date option out there before she got a chance to like you at all.

You'll see a bunch of advice around here about showing intent with compliments or being forward, but I just think you need to make a girl like you. I don't ever show intent directly, but I do with my eyes, my tone, and my flirting. Eventually they start suggesting things themselves, "We should hangout again sometime!" or "Here take my number!" or they just say something subtle like, "Big plans this weekend?" outta the blue, so you know it's time to say, "Duh! I'm taking you out for drinks!"

ksm6149 · 2018-03-07T22:57:42+00:00

A big advantage that you have over a lot of the guys here is the approach confidence, especially after a divorce. Speaking from secondhand experience, I know how much of a hit a divorce can take. So the fact that you were able to approach and shrug it off after something like that is the main thing to acknowledge and commend here. Good on ya mate. Keep it up and you'll see results soon enough

danielinthebox · 2018-03-08T01:58:32+00:00

It was a very platonic conversation she didn't have a clue what you wanted or why you were talking to her. You need to make your intent clear. The conversation was way too safe

TruthSFree · 2018-03-08T21:12:46+00:00

You put comfort first. You looked for commonalities before even establishing you were interested in her or caring if she was attracted to you. Imagine a strange woman, starts interviewing you about your job which you are probably happy enough to talk about and then trying to get your number so she can date you. Here's a video I hope this helps.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9s4LPcwqBA&t=176s

sinbad2011 · 2018-03-07T18:25:29+00:00

Great job. Start talking to every girl you see now that you're divorced. you need to get back into the dating game. So, have no expectations and approach.

Do not focus on their negative reaction...that would be reactive. Focus on what you can improve. Couple of things I would improve... 1. I think being more man to women would have been good. 2. talk about things you find fun. do not be afraid to be random. 3.. Also, you gave up too easily.

Dating973 · 2018-03-07T21:13:58+00:00

It was really good in that you worked up the nerve to approach and followed through at the end to try to get her to go on a date (most ppl don’t do one or both of those things so, really, great job). Reading that, it seemed a bit formal and you probably needed to get your personality out there a little better - instead of asking real, almost like job interview questions, maybe ask joking questions instead (like ask her if working there is like -insert corny tv medical drama here-, or ask her something ridiculous but provocative like “so I hear all doctors are pricks”, and see how she responds, etc. Something that’s arousing and flirty...it’s hard to tell based on the transcript what your body language and other cues were like but next time I’d aim for more flirtatious.

Cevar7 · 2018-03-07T23:51:59+00:00

Like the other people said it was an interview and people don’t really like 1-sided conversations too much. I have a book sitting right next to me and it’s called the science of making friends. It’s funny, because the chapter I just read was talking about how you shouldn’t interview people and should try to add plenty to the conversation.

Also, you asked her out on a date way too quickly! Haha.

agonzale · 2018-03-08T03:30:51+00:00

I wasn't there so I can't judge. Yes you did fall into the interview thing...but for her to turn around and walk away without saying a word...that's her bad, not yours man. That's very rude. You were being polite and doing something your supposed to do anyway in a respectful manner, and she should have turned you down with the same level of respect. But whatever. If you do this long enough you get use to shit like that.

what_tf_is_juice · 2018-03-08T13:46:39+00:00

Asking to get coffee sometime while you're already getting coffee sometime, is that a thing?

Dating973 · 2018-03-07T21:16:08+00:00

I like what the person said above me actually - gotta get the banter going and only when you feel that out as being positive then go for asking for phone number

PeperoParty · 2018-03-07T23:39:15+00:00

Did you forget to include anything from your conversation? If not, she's just a bitch. No1 should just turn their back on someone else without saying anything. Just keep doing what you're doing and you'll run into a nice girl.

wolflion20 · 2018-03-08T01:24:37+00:00

The “what” questions are good, they build an emotional response. When you offer to take her out always have something specific. Sell her on the idea.

Title	First Cold Approach Since the Divorce. Thoughts?
Author	TotallyWorrie
Upvotes	50
Comments	35
Date	March 7, 2018 6:02 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/82qas1/first_cold_approach_since_the_divorce_thoughts/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/first-cold-approach-since-the-divorce-thoughts.1442783 https://theredarchive.com/post/1442783

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