How do you maintain confidence without letting it become arrogance?

Bhorzo · 2013-04-09T11:57:39+00:00

Confidence is about how you treat yourself, and how you think of yourself.

Arrogance is about how you treat other people.

Confidence is about raising your own value.

Arrogance is about lowering other people's value.

Bhorzo · 2013-04-09T11:25:05+00:00

Cocky funny works if it's cocky AND funny. You have to make sure it's actually funny as well. Otherwise it just comes off as arrogance. I had the same problem when I started.

For example, instead of "Don't I always look suave?"

Say "Thanks, you're still not getting in my pants though"

Remember, make damn sure it's funny as well. Also, you feel like you're falling into an area that isn't right because you're coming off as arrogant. If you want to come off as confident you have to give value to those around you and not just yourself.

lrknx · 2013-04-09T15:25:24+00:00

It's very easy. Stop talking about yourself. When people ask about yourself be humble. If somebody complements you, don't start talking about yourself. When you said "Don't I always look suave?" it did sound a bit arrogant. Put yourself in her spot. Imagine there is a girl that you want to complement. You really like her new coat for example. You say something along the lines of: "I'm loving your coat. I was looking to buy a jacket made out of this fabric myself. It looks so rich". Now what would you like to hear from her in return? "Thank you :) You look great tonight yourself" or just "Thanks" or even "ha ha yea, you can borrow it some time if you want". But what if she says: "Don't I always wear great coats?". WTF. What do you even say to that? This does absolutely nothing for the conversation or her confidence. You will either shrug it off or thing she is an arrogant cow.

Confidence rarely come out of your mouth and it does not begin with "I".

gooie · 2013-04-09T16:48:17+00:00

Confidence and arrogance aren't the same thing of different magnitudes. Unlike big vs huge.

When we say to be confident around girls we mean be comfortable with who you are and what you can do. Whereas arrogance is when you think you are better than everyone else.

You can be happy about your own abilities without having to put other people down. That is confidence without arrogance.

cypress_fruit · 2013-04-09T14:46:39+00:00

Arrogance, Confidence, and Cocky-Funny parable style / aka taught through story and examples

Arrogance:

(Tends to deflate other peoples esteem while boosting their own because of a fear of seeming inferior and will protect against it at any cost.)

Bob: Today is review day. How do you think you will do?
Peter: I'm going to get a big raise because I do great work.
Bob: Didn't you lose us that one huge account?
Peter: No way, I'm not stupid, it had to have been someone else that fucked that up.
Bob: You were the only person working on it.
Peter: Bob, I'm just too good, I am going to get a huge raise. I doubt you will though because you don't bring in as much money as I do.

Confidence:

(Tends to assert their actions and thoughts as correct until proven otherwise while having enough self-esteem to raise others. This balances things out so that they don't seem to have the perspective of being superior.)

Bob: Today is review day. How do you think you will do?
Peter: I should do alright. I feel I had a pretty successful year. How about you?
Bob: I'm not sure. I don't think they like me much. Didn't you lose us that one huge account?
Peter: I almost did. It could have gone really wrong but the skills I learned in college sure helped me out of that jam. Also Rupert over in the other division pulled some information for me.
Bob: You were the only person working on it.
Peter: At the end there, I was. It was rough but it turned out well. Good luck to you Bob, I think you will do alright.

Cocky-Funny:

(Tends to assert their actions and thoughts as correct until proven otherwise while having enough self-esteem to raise others. This balances things out so that they don't seem to have the perspective of being superior. This is generally done in a different style than confidence only. It is done by teasing in a way that pokes fun at arrogant responses that could be used while remaining only joking and not deflating peoples ego to inflate their own. A more fun loving kind of confident that is in a funny and joking way.)

Bob: Today is review day. How do you think you will do?
Peter: I will probably be promoted to president, haha. I did pretty good this year. How bout you?
Bob: I'm not sure. I don't think they like me much. Didn't you lose us that one huge account?
Peter: Well you do drive a Prius :P. I did almost lose that account but Rupert that crazy dude got me some numbers I needed.
Bob: You were the only person working on it.
Peter: Well they did have to put someone useful on the project. I mean they couldn't really put Jason on it. I mean the project doesn't even relate to sports and beer, haha. Nah, Jason is cool but boy does he talk about sports and beer a lot.

Source: http://redd.it/1b5lup

JustCallMeDC · 2013-04-09T16:31:40+00:00

A point that I'm not sure has been made clear here is that it's not always WHAT you say but HOW you say it. You could say "don't I always look suave?" And look like a total dick, but you could say the exact same words with a cheeky smile and you're in.

nofap08 · 2013-04-09T17:05:21+00:00

I have two questions for this very interesting thread.

What is value and how do I get it?
How do I give value without being a suck up or coming off as a try hard?

Berserkeruuu · 2013-04-09T18:16:08+00:00

This takes time to learn. Think of arrogance like a house but built out of straw, sure you got a house but it won't stand properly, nor can it give adequate shelter to yourself or anyone else with you. Maybe it can be good for a bit but in the end it won't work out for you. Confidence is a brick house a good foundation it can take a beating, it can protect other people as well as well as yourself. The thing to remember when acting is cocky is being funny. You can get away with being cocky because it's funny at the same time. And like a lot of people said here if you are truly confident and secure you won't have trouble looking at other people and saying you are amazing...I am amazing too, lets hang out! :D. Arrogance would be like I am amazing and you are lucky to be with me. If you truly love yourself and have true confidence you won't hesitate to see the good in people and call out the bad. It takes self awareness to catch this, are you being real with yourself? Example: When somebody gets rejected do they say/think "oh your loss". Why is it there loss? You may be a great person but that doesn't mean you are a great person for them. Your pride kicks in to protect you from the fact that maybe you aren't amazing and you are not entitled to everyone's love. Confidence would go "guess I am not her type" and would instead respect that she is her own person and that your flavour just isn't her thing. You got to find the girls who do love your flavour (no sexual innuendo mean't). That's why no matter how good you get at game you won't get every girl. It's a lot like selling, the best salesmans don't make every sale do they? The difference between a good salesman and a bad one is that the good one can sell to 5/10 people while the bad one can get 1/10 people. Anyways, sorry if I went off topic hopes this help ya!

TehGinjaNinja · 2013-04-09T13:18:02+00:00

I thought I was being cocky-funny.

You were, well played.

later she said "you're really arrogant today"

I would have read that as a shit test and replied with an Agree and Amplify like, "Yes I am, and you like it."

So what is the line? What kind of confident behaviour is endearing and what kind begins to irritate people?

There is no line. Confident behavior will always irritate some people, because they find it threatening. Most people will respond positively to it though, so it's a good baseline to maintain. Also, even when people behave in an irritated manner, that doesn't mean you should back down to make them more comfortable. Gauge the situation and the individual in question.

An employer? Yes, you may need to tone it down a bit. A woman you're flirting with? Don't back down. If she doesn't like it she'd ignore you, so it's probably a shit test.

There are some rules I follow based on reciprocity. Don't insult someone unless they've insulted you first. Don't get too pushy (a little is ok) with someone unless they are getting pushy with you. It's really a matter of calibrating to the individual.

Remember being confident, even to the point of arrogance, isn't a bad thing. I got one woman, a married woman at that, because when she called me on my arrogance, I told her my arrogance was justified.

ishkabum · 2013-04-09T15:25:14+00:00

To me, it's about little things. Sometimes just saying something, loud enough that you mean everyone to hear, instead of muttering briefly or letting people talk over you. Making eye contact with everyone as you say something. Ending a statement with a drop in pitch instead of a raise or some weird tone.

One thing that screams "LOW CONFIDENCE" is over-use of qualifiers, like "I'm not trying to say that blahh, but-" .. "No offense, but-" .. "This is just my opinion, I don't know, but-" etc. That bugs me. Just say it!

Also, it's way more fun when people have enough confidence to go ahead and give someone some shit, make a joke about them, make fun of them... You'd be surprised what you can get away with as long as it's funny. Makes it way more interesting when someone has the balls to make some remark that is on everyone's mind, but usually people don't want to be the one to say it. Be that person, make it funny.

LegitAnswers · 2013-04-09T16:38:31+00:00

You're becoming too cocky. There's a reason why it's called "cocky-funny". Once you leave out the funny, you're just a dick. But once you leave out the cocky, you just turn into a goofball that no one will respect. Either way, you have to get the right medium.

tegurit34 · 2013-04-09T16:55:11+00:00

First of all, don't value her judgment over yours. Her's is a data point, but yours is your core of decision making.

Second, does Mark Manson ever have a relevant and amazing piece for you: http://postmasculine.com/courage

dylan93able · 2013-04-09T17:29:49+00:00

be humbly confident

Anon59538327 · 2013-04-09T18:16:11+00:00

I think a lot of people in the pickup community get this wrong. You can be very nice, non-negging, not cocky and funny and still be confident as fuck. Just have some self-respect, people will notice. If you want to explore this topic in depth I highly recommend the works of Nathaniel Branden.

losesomeweight · 2013-04-09T18:28:24+00:00

It's simple. Don't put yourself below people, because if you don't have confidence, you are. But, don't put yourself above people either.

(Bhorzo's comment was also really good)

SirByron · 2013-04-09T18:41:38+00:00

Arrogance is the diffident man's pretense of Confidence.

jinbaittai · 2013-04-09T22:22:20+00:00

In the example you've posted, since you kept up this "I look suave" act for the rest of the night, that would come across arrogant. I would try to scale back a bit, and try to make it much more clearly a joke - "Are you saying I don't usually look suave?" Then wink and give her a light nudge with your elbow and laugh. Then go back to your nice normal self.

You don't have to MAINTAIN a cocky attitude to come across as confident. Just be a little bit bolder - smart ass remarks here and there, but tempered with a normal level of humor. Don't lose your niceness - it, along with your newfound confidence, will get you a lot further than coming across as a cocky asshole.

2013-04-10T05:00:50+00:00

Attraction, rather than promotion. Those who promote are often thought of as arrogant.

ben0wn4g3 · 2013-04-09T12:26:56+00:00

Good responses here. Stuff I already k ow but don't do enough. Will be making an effort to raise up people's confidence.

dangz · 2013-04-09T17:34:13+00:00

I asked this not too long ago. Here is the response I got http://www.reddit.com/r/askseddit/comments/147vj1/how_to_be_confident_and_not_arrogant/c7amty0

aviator104 · 2013-04-09T18:39:18+00:00

Smile. The infectious one. Like something cool is happening right now.

nuetrino · 2013-04-09T19:42:58+00:00

It may be jealousy on some peoples part. Keep up the great work you'll get there!

Indigo_Sunset · 2013-04-09T20:20:11+00:00

answering in such a way as to look for validation may be the wrong tack here.

maybe : her>you look suave you> suave and deboner. (yes, deboner, not debonair ;p ) a mild agree and amplify response.

good luck and live the dream.

Bitchfuckme · 2013-04-09T16:51:06+00:00

Heard this from someone else: "Confidence is knowing you are the best, arrogance is saying you are the best"

2013-04-09T13:44:40+00:00

[permanently deleted]

theboucherent · 2013-04-09T14:25:31+00:00

simple. just don't be a douche.

dylan93able · 2013-04-09T17:29:37+00:00

if you truly artnt arrogant then it shouldn't be that hard...

Title	How do you maintain confidence without letting it become arrogance?
Author	lrknx
Upvotes	107
Comments	95
Date	April 9, 2013 10:46 AM UTC (13 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/1bzd2d/how_do_you_maintain_confidence_without_letting_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-do-you-maintain-confidence-without-letting-it.1350307 https://theredarchive.com/post/1350307

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