I get a decent response rate on OKCupid and Pof. I've been on more dates than I can count, kiss closed a zillion, f-closed a zillion, and had a few meaningful relationships all from online dating. I left a comment in another thread saying I do alright, and subsequently have been getting PMs asking for advice, so here you go.

edit: you can get plenty of advice and profile critiques over at /r/okcupid and /r/pof

My advice for all profiles in general consists of these main points:

The persona that does best (for me) is whimsical and funny with just a sprinkle of seriousness. So try to write with a whimsical and funny voice. It actually might help to get drunk and watch some stand-up comedy before you write your profile to put yourself in a whimsical/funny mood. I'm being completely serious about that. Drinking will make you whimsical, and stand-up comedy will make you a little funnier.

But, more specifically...

1) Be as funny as you can, as often as you can throughout your profile and in the messages you send. Girls love to laugh, and so they love funny guys. If you read 100 girls' profiles, you'll see some variation of the phrase, "I love to laugh" or "I love a good sense of humor" about 700 times. Humor is like a social aphrodisiac. Be funny as much as you possibly can, but MOST IMPORTANTLY, try not to sound like you're trying too hard. Make an active effort to not try too hard. It's hard to put into words guys who are obviously trying too hard; it's one of those things you can only call out when you see it. But I'm sure you've seen it before. Don't sound like you're trying too hard.

2) Never describe your qualities. Rather, demonstrate your qualities. What does that mean? It means don't use adjectives or broad, vague descriptors like, "I'm funny" or "I'm adventurous" or anything that literally any other guy could say. Those are descriptions, and they are meaningless, because anybody can say them. The alternative is to demonstrate/illustrate/show your sense of humor or your sense of adventure with a funny joke, witty line, or story about something adventurous you did. Don't just say you're funny; BE funny. So instead of, "I have a good sense of humor," you should say something like, "If George Carlin and Mitch Hedberg had a love child, I would be the result. Minus the whole drug addiction thing from Hedberg." Or, instead of saying, "I like adventure," you should say something like, "I went sky diving last month. This year I'm training to climb Mount McKinley." Or whatever you do that's adventurous. I don't even know if you think you are funny or adventurous. These are just examples. Bottom line is: any guy can describe qualities, but only a handful of guys can paint the picture of those qualities. Girls are going to like the latter guy better every time.

I'm going to give more examples of demonstrations versus descriptions, because it's really important. Say for example you want to describe yourself as "mirthful and blustery." One time, I actually read a girl's profile in which she wrote, "I'm really good at getting out of awkward conversations by saying things like 'OH GOD. HELP ME. THIS IS SO AWFUL. I WISH I WAS DEAD.'" I thought that was perfect. It SHOWED she's "mirthful and blustery," it SHOWED she's funny, and it SHOWED she can't stand boring conversation--all in one relatively short sentence without describing herself. She didn't say, "I'm mirthful, blustery, funny, and I hate boring conversations." She proved those things. You should aim to do the same. Tell a story about when you were mirthful and blustery. Demonstrate, don't describe. Don't write a resume about yourself, paint a picture of yourself.

Chuck Palahniuk has a good essay on how to write with engrossing detail. It's for fiction writers, but the principles apply equally to writing your profile. Read this: http://chuckpalahniuk.net/features/essays/the-devil-in-the-details

I can't stress the importance of that enough. Paint a picture of yourself. Don't describe yourself. This alone will set you apart from 99% of the guys out there. Setting yourself apart is one of the most important factors of success, because she's reading many profiles in one sitting and they all start to blur together before long.

3) Be concise. This goes for your profile and your messages, unless you think you're REALLY REALLY REALLY interesting and funny. The reason is, girls are browsing hundreds of profiles and getting anywhere from 10 to 90 messages a day (not an exaggeration). They don't have the time or patience to read a novel length snore-fest from some guy on the internet who they have absolutely no investment in. Therefore, your goal should be to be short, sweet, and to the point--that goes for both profiles and messages. You want to make maximum impact with minimal words. DO NOT get wordy (unless you're awesome and know for a fact you are enthralling with your words). If you've written something, chances are you need to cut it in half, and even then it'll be too long. That's actually an exercise writers do to improve--they write, then they cut it in half. Concision is key.

4) Don't sound like you're trying too hard or desperate. This one is hard for me to elaborate on. You kind of just know it when you see it. Phrases like "I'm looking for true love" or anything remotely similar are phrases that send up "I'm trying too hard" flags. You want to sound casual, as though you're just here to meet cool new people, and if a romance blossoms from that, that's a nice bonus. And remember, you're going for whimsical and funny, so trying-too-hard phrases like "I want to meet the girl of my dreams" (unless it's in the context of a hilarious joke) do not fit that whimsical/funny persona.

5) Be interesting/original. Like I said, girls are browsing hundreds of profiles. You have to make yourself stand out. That means you can't say something every other guy in the world has already said. So when you write something, ask yourself, "Has she probably heard this line or a similar one before?" If yes, delete, rewrite, and repeat. If you're not sure what's too unoriginal, browse profiles for about 40 guys, and you'll start to see the same thing get written ooooover and oooover again. If you browse enough women's profiles, you'll notice the same thing too (I actually comment on this in my profile). But look at guys' profiles so you can see specific examples of what lines, descriptions, and phrases are overused. Then avoid them.

6) Demonstrate that you're decisive, purposeful, and have passion in life. Aside from humor, these are the hot-button qualities girls find attractive in guys. "Decisive" means you shouldn't be throwing out contradictory phrases, regardless of how true they are, that try to cover a bunch of qualities. For example, a lot of people say something along the lines of, "I like to go out and have fun, but I also like to stay in and chill." There are so many problems with that line. 1) It's more boring than watching paint dry. 2) It's unoriginal; everybody says it. 3) It sounds like you're writing for a horoscope. 4) It doesn't actively demonstrate decisiveness, and 5) it demonstrates the opposite of decisiveness. #4 and #5 are really the point of the example. So you want to choose one--"go out" or "chill." You may like a bunch of things. You probably do like to go out and stay in equally as much. But you sound decisive and passionate when you pick the one you like best and state that one. So that phrase should be changed to something more like, "Life is short, so I'd almost always rather go out and meet new people, ask homeless guys for money, or play match-maker in a retirement home." (See how I threw some humor in there for good measure? Because if it wasn't clear, GIRLS LOVE FUNNY.) Oh and most importantly...

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7) Leave hooks. Like the cliffhangers at the end of episodes of LOST (or whatever suspenseful show/movie you're familiar with), and like I did at the end of the last paragraph. The purpose is to spark their interest and make them want to find out more. This means you can't tell them everything, be too specific, or be too much of an open book. I mean, you can be specific and say things about yourself, but every once in a while, you want to be somewhat mysterious to grab their interest. So for example, instead of saying something like, "I had a great time travelling to Mexico because we met a guy named Pedro who gave us a tour of his hometown, and we almost got trampled to death by a stray bull." Say something like, "If you ever go to Mexico, be wary of tours from Pedro, especially if there might be bulls in his neighborhood. Trust me on this one." That will leave them thinking, "What the hell happened when he was in Mexico to make him say that? Sounds like an interesting story..." And then they'll be that much more likely to message you or respond to your messages.

Remember, girls like guys who are "mysterious." So you create an aura of mystery by not disclosing too much and by leaving hooks instead. Tell interesting stories, but don't give details about yourself. That way she'll think she knows a lot about you (because your stories paint pictures), yet nothing at all (because you leave out personal details).

8) Pictures: don't take a cell phone picture of yourself in the bathroom mirror. I didn't know guys actually do this. It's fucking ridiculous. Girls agree.

Only post good pictures of yourself. What's "good?" Preferably pictures that have a positive vibe, pictures in which you're smiling, having fun, or where you're in a social setting (around other people and it looks like everybody is having a good time). Girls like guys who have "social proof." You demonstrate social proof by showing people having a good time around you. Nobody likes a boring loner. It's okay to post a picture of yourself alone, but only if it makes sense -- like a head shot that you didn't take yourself -- one that was cropped from another picture, or maybe taken professionally. Never post a picture you took of yourself unless it's really really funny or demonstrates a good part of your personality. Girls hate it when guys post self-taken pictures. Seriously. I know I said "most importantly" a few times now, but this next one is really probably the most important...

Look at all these hooks! Hooks everywhere! But seriously...

9) Use proper grammar and spelling. A lot of women use grammar/spelling to instantly screen out people. They'll immediately click away from profiles that don't use proper spelling and grammar. Girls want guys who are educated and well read. Whether or not your shitty grammar/spelling is symptomatic of idiocy is irrelevant. Enough girls use it as a screen to make it important. It's a simple fix. Don't ruin your odds by being lazy and/or actually stupid. Edit your shit to sound halfway smart.

If you have any questions or criticisms, message me I don't care.

Just kidding, I love you.