Would you walk away if you found out "your child" was not biologically yours?

loganizer · 2012-04-12T19:40:26+00:00

Tough call. Best to avoid it with paternity testing of all your children at birth.

CthulhuChild · 2012-04-12T19:58:40+00:00

Depends on the age of the child and my relationship with the mother.

If the child was very young, I might leave. Being raised by a single parent may not be ideal, but I don't think it's fair to say that because I might be a good father, I should start raising other people's children.

If the child is a bit older and has only known me as his father, leaving would do terrible damage to that kid's life. The situation we're in may not be my fault, but choosing to leave means I am choosing to hurt the kid. It may be "fair", but it isn't just.

In the latter case, if my relationship with the woman was otherwise great, I'd probably tough it out. It would be a terrible blow to my trust, but if I could make it work, I'd try. If our relationship had been rocky before, I'd end it; a child deserves both parents, but they don't deserve to be caught between warring parents.

Last, if the woman and I were already on bad terms and broken up, I would seriously consider appealing to remove her custody of the child. Lying about parentage to entrap a man demonstrates a lack of moral scruples that makes her unfit to raise children.

It will ultimately be a balance of what is best for the kid, and what is fair to me, with the weight on the former.

dicipres · 2012-04-12T23:33:58+00:00

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mikesteane · 2012-04-13T00:38:45+00:00

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SkyrimNewb · 2012-04-13T00:37:34+00:00

One thing a lot of posters are not mentioning- sometimes there's more than one kid in the question, and those kids might be your biological children. There's no way to change your behavior towards one kid without hurting all of them.

rightsbot · 2012-04-12T19:36:17+00:00

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dicipres · 2012-04-12T23:43:29+00:00

No good solution, all routes are extremely painful.

AnnArchist · 2012-04-13T04:03:05+00:00

I would paternity test my wife. . . so this wouldn't happen to me.

SpawnQuixote · 2012-04-13T00:20:24+00:00

I would fight for sole custody if there was any bullshit involved like deception or fraud. If amicable, I would fight for 50/50.

But that's me. Other men should have the right to have their own opinions too.

2012-04-13T03:13:43+00:00

I'd drain my bank account, take as much of my property from the household as I could in one pass and become a ghost.

ThePigman · 2012-04-12T22:25:19+00:00

No. It's not the kid's fault.

Bobsutan · 2012-04-12T20:44:12+00:00

I have two children. Being the source of half of their DNA is not really what makes me their father.

What makes me their father is the sleepless nights feeding them bottles, changing their diapers, and rocking them to sleep. Comforting them after bad dreams and reassuring them that daddy is here and they will be safe. Playing silly games with them on long car rides. Teaching them to read and listening to them proudly read their first halting words to me. Family nights spent playing board games together. Rushing them to the hospital in the middle of the night when they're very sick, and waiting and worrying. Playing ball and cooking hot dogs in the park. Walking them to class on their first day of kindergarten. Knowing that they believe their daddy knows everything and can do everything, and trying my best not to disappoint them.

Those things make me their father, not the contents of their DNA. If you would walk out on a kid who loves you, looks up to you, and wants to be with you, who has never known any father but you, whose entire world would be shattered by you leaving... if you would walk out on your kid because of he doesn't have as much DNA in common with you as you believed, then fuck. you. you. piece. of. shit.

Hamakua · 2012-04-12T23:00:03+00:00

I asked myself this question long ago, and the answer is "yes" I would leave, cut all ties, whatever. I do want children someday, but I do not wish to adopt and I do not seek to take care of other people's children.

The idea of paternity fraud makes me physically sick and it was "the first thing" that got me paying attention to the MRM.

SkyrimNewb · 2012-04-12T23:51:56+00:00

I actually recently went through this. I was introduced to my 6 year old child about 2 weeks ago. I kept her under my wing an decided to keep her no matter what. Luckily the paternity test came back and I'm the father.

DevinV · 2012-04-13T04:45:14+00:00

Likely, but since I am definitely a modern man I would test at or around birth and it would never become an issue that would require a difficult decision.

tango646 · 2012-04-13T17:55:59+00:00

A lot of you are stating what about adoption, well that is different because you go in with a different mentality. Its not trivial, men have feelings we fucking feel , we are not machines. I've known several men who found out their children wasn't biologically theirs, its fucking devastating! Many went into deep depression, one found out when his daughter was 16 and he was never the same, I know people will react in different ways but Jesus man "Its trivial" WTF. The thing that pisses me off is that the women knows and will take that secret to their graves. How many women would come home from the hospital realize they had the wrong kid and say fuck it! DNA doesn't matter one child is as good as the next?

I have two kids and got the dna test done myself at a early stage I will never ever be cuckold. Knowing the child is not yours ie adoption dating a single mom etc and finding out the child is not yours are on two opposite spectrum of the emotional scale.

Trivializing it is another way of saying " just man up" I believe that is the reason Paternity Fraud is not a real crime.

2012-04-12T20:25:02+00:00

Yes. As soon as possible and cut all ties. No reason to waste the child's time or yours.

pocketknifeMT · 2012-04-12T22:03:27+00:00

I assume you don't have children currently?

Apparently brain chemistry changes once you believe you are a father. Perhaps that will change your tune?

that is my current speculation on the matter.

hardwarequestions · 2012-04-12T20:24:24+00:00

i'd heavily consider it, yes. the ultimate decision would depend on a number of factors, many of which others have pointed out...age of the child, existing relationship status with the mother, stability-level, etc.

what i can say with certainty is i would never hold another man in bad regard if he chose to do so. judging a man for not wanting to affiliate with a child someone defrauded him into believing was his when it wasn't is akin, to an appreciable degree, to judging a woman for aborting a child who was the product of her rape.

hardwarequestions · 2012-04-12T22:25:31+00:00

I'm assuming when you say the kid isn't yours, you mean it is your wife's and you were in a committed relationship at the time the kid was conceived, meaning she must have cheated on you. (Unless you used IVF and the doctors screwed it up and she didn't know either, but minuscule chances of that.)

The only possible way that this is different from a regular old adoption scenario is your new distrust in your wife.

Doesn't make the kid any different, and doesn't make the kid any less yours after you've spent so much time loving them, does it?

2012-04-12T23:27:59+00:00

Personally, i feel like the mother would have to suffer the most. I would be the father to the child. Not the biological asshole who cheated on me with my wife, but instead the MAN to take care of this child. As for the wife? well fuck her off. If she cheats on her SO, she's not fit to be a mother. Being a mother requires INSANE amounts of time, trust, patience, love, care, and unconditional love and sacrifice. A cheating mother no matter who she is would never be the characteristics fit for a mother.

Now it comes down to how old the child is. If i was ignorant of the father of the child, and this carried on for lets say 5+ years, i would stick around. I would never tell the child the truth of his whore mother, but id be man enough to continue my job as a father to this child. regardless of course if im his biological father or not. the other case is if hes extremely young, under 2-3. it would be tough for me to leave this child with a cheating mother, but i probably would. i would feel awful that the child would suffer the consequences, so this may change my decision.

But all in all, i believe in humanity, regardless of family or not should take care of each other. Being a single father is much less of a damage to the child then a single mother, so i would not mind raising the child.

MockingDead · 2012-04-13T00:42:31+00:00

I would. But first I would have a talk with the kid. Tell him/her that I love him, but his mother lied to me and lying like this to partners is never acceptable. I would then split.

pippisyk · 2012-04-13T00:33:31+00:00

The feminist philosophy here is simple:

It's her child when she wants control over it.
It's your child when she wants control over you.

2012-04-12T20:34:25+00:00

Depends on the situation. If the relationship was bad and for some reason I wasn't emotionally invested in the child, maybe.

As I said it depends on the situation.

Memyselfsomeotherguy · 2012-04-13T08:52:54+00:00

Most definitely the mother.

Title	Would you walk away if you found out "your child" was not biologically yours?
Author	SkyrimNewb
Upvotes	17
Comments	122
Date	April 12, 2012 7:34 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/s6nky/would_you_walk_away_if_you_found_out_your_child/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/would-you-walk-away-if-you-found-out-your-child.1024120 https://theredarchive.com/post/1024120

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