How do you deal with not getting to see your kids everyday?

PrettyCoolBear · 2021-08-19T22:18:59+00:00

We're on the 50/50 thing, but one of my boys recently turned 18 and moved in with me full time. It has made my "off weeks" much better.

We have an arrangement where the parent who doesn't have the kids that week gets to have the kids over for dinner on Wednesday nights, so we don't ever go a full week without seeing each other. That helped a lot too.

But I will warn you: Those first few months (hell, the entire first year) of separation- even when we were on 50% parenting- were the most painful time of my entire life. Never cried so much than when the kids had to go back to their mom's. The loneliness was unbearable. We're 2-and-a-half years in now, fully divorced, and it's a lot easier now.

biobeerz · 2021-08-19T21:01:13+00:00

I was in a similar place last summer. Things were awful between my wife and I but the idea of not seeing my son every day was unimaginable. I ultimately decided to divorce (official last week).

I'll be honest, there are times when it really sucks. Today was my son's first day of school and he's going home to his mom's house instead of mine. I'll call him to see how his day was but it's not the same as having him come home to my house. We're mostly amicable so it's not awful but definitely not ideal either. I do my best to do all my chores/run all my errands when he's not here so we can really enjoy our time together.

On the positive side, I'm much happier now that I don't live with my ex. I'm eating better, I'm sleeping better, I'm significantly less stressed. I can plan my life however I want. When I have my son we do things that in the past we may not have been able to do. I do my best to find stuff that he's interested in so we can explore his interests.

Ultimately it was the right decision for me, but there are definitely positives and negatives that come along with whatever decision you make.

anonymizered · 2021-08-19T20:34:42+00:00

I’m in the same boat. Strange how a lot of us read certain posts and it’s like, “ARE YOU ME??”. I just have to decide when to serve my wife. Papers are filed.

I don’t know how it will turn out. I keep telling myself the kids will be alright, I will be alright. My therapist keeps saying the same. But yeah man. It’s going to be scary and it’s unfortunately beyond our control. We hope our wives magically become logical, but what we have to really do is just promise ourselves to keep staying awesome for the kids for whatever time we end up getting.

hadrianviceroy · 2021-08-19T21:54:23+00:00

I don't know how service members in navy/abroad etc do it, but if they can do that I know I can go without short periods. Also it seems to make the time you are with them more important.

brokebastard2020 · 2021-08-20T01:06:43+00:00

Add another one that feels your situation, been a miserable last few years but I stuck it out for the kids. Last month I found out she has been cheating for the last 3 years, made the decision easy I’m out now. 20 years down the drain…

MNCPA · 2021-08-19T21:39:57+00:00

Someday, your boys will be men. At that point, you wouldn't be seeing them everyday anyways. This thought probably doesn't help you.

One of the things that I learned from my divorce is that it forces an early end to childhood. This is a cost of the journey.

I don't have any good advice, but I try to think about my kids grown up. Holidays are split between the households, similar to if they were adults and had to split the holidays with the in-laws.

Knave7575 · 2021-08-20T01:49:23+00:00

1) Make sure you fight like hell to get 50%

2) Assuming you have the 50%, it is not as bad as it sounds. You spend your off days working out, catching up on your job, and doing chores. When the kids are around you get to be 100% there. I think I spend more quality time with the kids post-divorce than I ever did pre-divorce.

Grousers · 2021-08-20T02:10:41+00:00

I like using FaceTime when the boys are not with me. Seeing one smile is worth it

dpch · 2021-08-20T03:05:21+00:00

Dude, at the start it's horrible and brutal. The silence after so many years of coming to a home bristling with energy and life, it's just the worst.

Eventually, the time alone lets you rediscover yourself and it becomes less bad. You can focus on what you guys are going to do when you get your boys back. I used to take the time to check out nearby hiking trails or locations to get an idea of what to expect when I bring my kids.

timepass1977 · 2021-08-19T20:28:49+00:00

Why are you assuming she will have the kids by herself? Is she abusing you? If yes, there are other avenues for you.

ThrowAwayRAOoops · 2021-08-19T21:09:25+00:00

Yup, it SUCKS. It sucks less than being in a shitty marriage to someone who doesn't care about you but it still sucks. It changes things quite a bit for everyone but the most for the kids.

Micro_Peanuts · 2021-08-19T23:49:24+00:00

1). Quality of time is better than quantity of time. You may now get to see your kids less, but when you do see them you now have the opportunity to have much better quality time with them, that you are in complete control of, with no outside person (your ex/wife) affecting or messing up that time. Take me for example. I grew up in a house where my father was there every evening and weekend, but he was so overrun by my mother that he was to busy/exhausted to have a relationship with me. I saw him a lot, but barely know him to this day. My own daughter on the other hand, I only see her once every couple of weeks, but I have a WAY better relationship with her than my dad had with me.

2) Honestly, it's brutal not having my daughter around all of the time, and I've had to adopt a stoic view of things (stoicism is very helpful), knowing that I couldn't ultimately control how things turned out, but I did my best and that is all I can do. After pushing myself as hard as is beneficial, I give myself grace, knowing that even though things didn't end up the way I wanted, I've done my absolute best in the situation, all things considered and that is all that anyone can do.

DeletedLastAccount · 2021-08-20T00:45:31+00:00

Coming from the other angle completely I honestly wish I understood how some people CAN.

I'm fortunate in that my ex wife called me the "manipulative, impulsive, and non contributing" one (honestly everyone going through a divorce probably meets that label in almost everyone else's mind, to the point of being a non-statement) and left the kids and I.

How does one deal with that?

Good on you for at least WANTING to be there. That in itself will mean a lot to your kids.

pegleg_legal · 2021-08-20T08:11:28+00:00

Oh, it's such a great tradeoff to spend less time with my kids without her there or the risk of some shit or even tension. Way better quality time.

Title	How do you deal with not getting to see your kids everyday?
Author	womenthro
Upvotes	16
Comments	19
Date	August 19, 2021 8:21 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/p7mt2y/how_do_you_deal_with_not_getting_to_see_your_kids/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-you-deal-with-not-getting-to-see-your-kids.1057779 https://theredarchive.com/post/1057779

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